If you’re overwhelmed with self-blame here’s a great quote from Bonnie Russell, the founder of www.FamilyLawCourts.com.

She says:

I’ve found women, especially therapists and other helping professionals, have trouble forgiving themselves.  They constantly berate themselves with:   “I should have seen it, known it, realized it,”  followed by “I wasted (fill in the blank)  years.”

I tell them to set aside five minutes, set a time and really wallow in it.

Here’s the secret: Really beat yourself  up.  Usually people can only do that for less than three minutes.  By three and a half minutes you’re glancing at the timer.  I encourage women to stay with it because it’s so unpleasant.  When the time finally dings you’re  SO HAPPY!

I assure you these thoughts will creep back later.  But the good news is when they do, most women happily say,  “Honey I already beat myself up over that, I’m moving on.”  And more importantly, they act on that and do.

Gary Egeberg, the author of The Forgiveness Myth says:

“We believe the goal is to heal.  Forgiving him can be a way to heal but not the only way.”

•  Use alternative phrases such as “making a fresh start right where I am, moving on as I keep the focus on myself and my needs.”  Happiness is a product of two things, addressing the hurt and then moving on.

•  Return the focus to yourself.   Any day you’re obsessing about the divorce, or how he hurt or betrayed you, ask yourself: “how can I return focus to myself?”  Forgiveness implies it’s finished once and for all but it’s a long process.

•  Stop referring to him as your ex. That keeps the relationship alive.  Start calling him by his given name.   When you use “ex” language you’re going back to the marriage.  When you use his name he’s another human being you can detach from.   You need distance to heal and move on.

•  Avoid those little putdowns.  Initially they’re a way of dealing with grief, but at some point they help you stay stuck.   Make changes rather than just bitching.

•  Do what you naturally enjoy, reclaim your life rather than have a pity party.  Live your life the best you can and eventually you will heal.

Author Bio: Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Believe it or not, feeling unhappy and like you’re a victim is a way of feeling alive. It may be a negative emotion, but at least you’re feeling something. And if you get in the habit of this, it becomes a way of being….always finding something to be upset about, hurt by, insulted by, injured from, etc.

One would think that no one would choose to experience pain and drama instead of happiness and peace, but people do. And from my perspective, they choose the pain because it makes them FEEL something….and when they FEEL something, they are able to feel alive.

People who operate like this do not know how to be at peace/happy and feel alive. Being happy feels boring and mundane to them – because there is no drama going on, no intensity, no excitement, and no fevered pitch to their life.

If you or someone you know lives in a state of constant drama, trauma, chaos and suffering, it IS possible to change. It’s not going to happen overnight though. It will take time, and you will have to learn how to enjoy happiness and other positive emotions, to really feel the fullness and excitement that comes with feeling GOOD.

And of course, I’m going to share some first steps with you – the first one is to begin by noticing when you are in the drama, in the pain, in the chaos, and feeling like a victim….just notice (perhaps by saying to yourself, “Oh, here I am again, in the middle of the drama and hurt. Isn’t it interesting that I keep living in this place?”).

By bringing your awareness to the situation, over and over again, you are raising your consciousness around your choices. You are making a mental note of how often this situation occurs in your life.

The second step, after noticing, is to tell yourself, “I can choose differently”. I can choose to be at peace and feel good.” Say this without judgment or criticism….just as you would state a fact. Say it with neutrality, so there is no harsh tone in your voice.

Continue to do these two things: 1) noticing, and 2) commenting on your ability to choose. You WILL see changes beginning to take place….they may be slight at first, and then gradually they will become more significant.

The third step is to recognize when you are feeling good, and really ENJOY how it feels. Allow yourself to recognize the sweetness, the simplicity, the peace, the absence of pain and drama, and begin to identify these positive feelings as desirable, enjoyable, and pleasant.

You can change this dynamic – from being someone who “hurts so good” in order to feel alive, to someone who enjoys and even thrives on feeling great.

Author Bio: Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and Life Mentor – her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise works with clients via private consultations, either in person or over the phone. With a diverse background in business, marketing and teaching, Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity. Be sure to subscribe for free to receive Elise’s blog in your inbox daily.

1. Ignoring Your First Impression. You can tell everything you need to know about a guy in the first 15 seconds.  OK maybe 15 minutes, but during those first minutes after you meet your intuition is on overdrive.  You  haven’t had time yet to rationalize  away all those red flags just because he’s good-looking or rich.   If you don’t pay attention to that first impression you will regret it.

2. Confusing Sex And Intimacy. Women who jump into bed right away are often hoping to skip the getting-to-know-each-other stage of the relationship and get intimate right away.  It doesn’t work that way.  Don’t use sex as a cheap substitute for intimacy. The act itself doesn’t take all that much time or effort, and it will allow you to fantasize a sense of closeness that doesn’t really exist.   It takes time to establish real inti macy and there are no short cuts.

3. Trying To Change Him. It’s so tempting not to see or accept who a man really is, but who he could be if only you could help him get a job, quit drinking, or move out of mom’s house.   We women tend to see guys as a pile of potential rather than for sale as is, then we waste years trying to “fix” him.   Don’t bother.  If you want to change anything more substantive than the way he dresses, forget it.   In fact forget the style change too, a lot of guys just refuse to give up those ripped sweats and pony tails.

4. Making Excuses For Him. How many times have we said to ourselves:  “Oh, he only gets drunk occasionally,” or “He loves me, that’s why he’s so jealous,” or “I know he has a good heart even though he doesn’t show it.’  I made excuses for my husband’s lack of integrity for years, including his lying, “forgetting” and eventually cheating until he finally left me for another women.

5. Taking Him For Granted. We women tend to get caught up with our jobs, our businesses, the children or grandchildren and ignore our husbands,, thinking we don’t have to make an effort to keep our marriage vibrant and alive.   If you don’t pay attention to your husband you take the risk of him finding someone who will.   This is the biggest complaint of men who leave—that their wives lost interest and stopped appreciating them.   Men are like plants, they need a lot of watering or they wilt.

Submitted by Erica Manfred Your “girlfriend in a book!” He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty

Intimate connection = Soul Mate

The idea of soul mates wasn’t much in vogue when I was doing personals dating back in the 70s. Now it has become a cliché, and like all clichés has just about lost its meaning.

My ex-therapist Jim, who is one of the wisest people I’ve ever known, used D.H.Lawrence’s books for illustrations of what love was about. He described one of Lawrence’s couples as having a deep sexual connection that was always there and that was reflected in the way they touched each other, looked at each other, and presented themselves to the world as inseparable.

Lawrence thought sex was the root of our connectedness to a mate. Of course he was a male chauvinist pig, but he did have a couple of good ideas. Plus he chose a brilliant, feisty, highly independent woman as his mate, not a wilting lily, which gives him credibility in my book.

I do believe that there is such a thing as a soul connection, but it’s pretty mysterious because it’s different for each couple. The more levels on which two people connect, the deeper their union becomes. The soul level is the most mysterious, maybe it even has to do with knowing each other in past lives (call me flaky I don’t care). And there is a power balance that must be maintained or the whole thing falls apart.

What was missing from my marriage—and from most people’s failed marriages–is intimacy—another mystery. I thought we were intimate but I was mistaking common intellectual interests, values, sense of humor, and the same outlook on life for intimacy.

Jim described intimacy to me for an article I wrote over 20 years ago—long before I even met my ex husband. If I’d looked at it before I married him I might not be divorced today:

Intimacy has become a psychological buzzword. What exactly is this elusive quality called intimacy? Why is it so difficult to find? Why is our longing for it so mixed with fear?

For lovers intimacy means nothing more than good, direct communication in the context of a sexual relationship. This sounds almost simplistic but the problems in maintaining such communication can be formidable. Intimacy is possible only between two people who have a strongly felt and accurate sense of who they are—people who intuitively feel OK about themselves (this left out me and Ira)

Most of us are hiding something, and we are terrified of being found out. When we search for intimacy, we’re trying to have verified the part of ourselves that we like the best while ignoring and repudiating the part we secretly hate. But intimacy demands that, over time, all of a person be shared with all of another person. It’s not a question of saying everything but of not hiding anything.

This includes sharing our weakest, shakiest aspects—ways in which we don’t feel as good about ourselves as we’d like the world to think we do. Of course, sharing our insecurities with someone else means sharing them with ourselves. And many people find it enormously difficult to look at themselves squarely and face how scared they feel inside. Instead, most people keep trying to find verification of that false version of themselves.

The more narrowly and neurotically focused we are, and the more incomplete we feel, the more we mistakenly believe that intimacy is the answer to identity.

Substituting sex for intimacy

Sex and intimacy tend to get confused in our society where sex is often used as a cheap substitute for intimacy. Sex doesn’t take all that much time and effort, and it allows the partners to fantasize a sense of closeness that doesn’t really exist. In a love relationship sex can deepen what is there but can’t create what isn’t there.

You can have an active sex life without intimacy and you can have an intimate relationship without sex. Sex and intimacy are often not connected at all. Intimacy is possible between any two people who care about each other. What must be there is the willingness to reveal one’s true self, mutual trust and understanding, the sharing of feelings and experiences, the continuity of a relationship that has lasted over time.

For a nation used to working hard for rewards, it is ironic that we expect intimacy to materialize instantly and effortlessly. It takes both time and effort. Two people need months or even years to achieve clarity of communication, a sense of belonging, a sharing of events and time.

Intimacy takes a lot of practice before it becomes second nature. An analogy is watching an Olympic race. When you see the winning runner win, you get an instant sense of the runner’s exhilaration. If you identify with the runner, it’s almost as though you’ve won the race yourself. But you haven’t. She has. And in order to win she’s gone through a lot of changes and continuous self-discipline. There’s no avoiding the process to get the results in athletics. Like any other worthy endeavor, achieving true intimacy takes consistent hard work.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40. She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal. She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

I’m submitting this list to a local paper so I thought I’d give my blog readers the benefit of some great advice.  Hope some of this helps you.

1. Don’t be afraid to fight for alimony for life if you’ve been married for more than fifteen years and you’re over 55. Alimony these days is supposed to be just for a few years until you get “rehabilitated, ” i.e. find a job. But if you’re over 55, and have always stayed home with the kids this isn’t a reasonable expectation..

2. If you get the house, use it for income. Rent part of the house, get a roommate, if you’re over 62 get a reverse mortgage. Too many divorcees get the house in the divorce and then find they can’t pay the mortgage, the taxes and the  maintenance. Then they lose the house and wind up with nothing.

3. Be sensitive to the feelings of your adult children. Adult children can be just as traumatized by their parents divorce as young children.  You need to break it to them gently, make sure you don’t pressure them to take sides, and don’t expect them to take care of you.

4. Acknowledge your losses. We older divorcees have lost more than younger women. It’s harder to find a man, a job and to learn to live alone after being married your entire adult life. It’s OK to grieve for as long as it takes. Just ignore those people who tell you should be over it already.

5. Go back to school. There are many careers open to older women, especially in the health care field. Check out your local community college. Some careers involve only a year of training and pay very well.

6. Take a trip. Preferably alone.  Traveling alone is one of the best ways to re-discover yourself. Finding out you have the courage and independence to travel alone will teach you that you can survive as a single woman.

7. Do what you loved to do before you got married. So many women, especially older women, have put themselves aside for their husbands and kids for so many years they’ve forgotten who they used to be.  If  you once loved to dance, or paint or ride a motorcyle, go out there and do  again. It will remind you of who you once were and who you could be again.

8. Realize you don’t have to forgive to move on. If you’ve been betrayed it can be impossible to forgive, for many years if not forever.  This does not mean you can’t move on. Just don’t focus on your anger, focus on yourself.

9. Don’t give up on dating. It’s hard to put yourself out there after being married almost forever. But that’s why God invented the internet.  Get a manicure, a pedicure and some snazzy new clothes and give it a try. There are men out there for older women, but you have to find them, they won’t come knocking on your door..

10. Repeat after me:  “I don’t need a man to survive, I don’t need a man to survive, I don’t need a man to survive.” The worst problem older women have is feeling helpless without a man.  You can figure out on your own how to pay the bills, get the car fixed and call the plumber at 3am..  The more things you find out you can do on your own the better you will feel about yourself.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History, You’re Not; Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Women who have been left for another woman describe the experience in extreme terms:  Stella, sixty-two, whose husband left her for someone else after thirty-three years of marriage was typical:  “ I cried every day for two months.  I still cry two years later.  And railed and screamed in the car and burned his suit in effigy in the backyard, every witchy, crazy, demented thing you can think of.

I drove by their house and hid in the bushes.  I could be at work, get overwhelmed and go into the mini gym and cry and walk on the treadmill as fast as I could until it passed.  I lost thirty pounds but gained ten back.  Jangled nerves, twitching eyes, hyper alert. So sad like you wouldn’t believe.  This is the guy I’d been with since age twenty-three, the only guy for more than half my life and all my adult life.  It was depressing that he was pulling away into alcoholism anyway but this was the coup de gras.”

Carol Taylor, fifty-two, who unknowingly moved her whole family to a different state because her husband had a girlfriend there, says, “I was blindsided, every emotion you can imagine.  Furious, sad, terrified, overwhelmed, guilty because I hadn’t been able to protect my children.

I don’t know why I didn’t see the warning signs, he moved because his girlfriend was in Florida.  The move really hurt the kids.  I cried for two years every day so loud you could hear me in the neighborhood.   I found Al-Anon, they got me through.  It’s a godsend and it’s free—you can go fifty times a week if you need to. “

Romantic rejection actually triggers changes in our brains according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has studied the chemistry of romantic love.  Her research was an eye opener for me.  It answered many questions about my own reactions to being cheated on, rejected, and will probably shine some light on yours.

In Cut Loose she describes how brain scans of rejected people suggest that they secrete excess dopamine and cortisol during the initial phase of being rejected.  That’s why rejected lovers get frantic and tend to relentlessly pursue the beloved.  They may also take humiliating measures to reconnect with him, anything from writing letters to storming into the other woman’s home to begging him to change his mind.

Paradoxically, along with the stress and the impulse to protest, abandoned lovers also feel renewed passion.  This has a biological basis.  Dopamine is the chemical in the brain that produces romantic love.  But when love is thwarted, dopamine-producing neurons in the brain’s reward system prolong their activities.  As the beloved slips away, the very chemical that contributes to feelings of romantic love becomes even more potent, creating protest and romantic passion, which impels the abandoned wife to go to extremes to get him back.

I certainly sprang into action as soon as my husband told me he was leaving and tried desperately to hang on to him.  All of a sudden, I felt intense love and attraction for him when previously I’d felt mostly indifference.

If you ever wondered, like I did, where the intense rage that we jilted wives experience comes from, brain chemistry goes a long way to explain it. .  It seems that love and hate/rage are connected in the brain.   The primary rage system is closely linked to centers in the prefrontal cortex that anticipate rewards.   The common response to unfulfilled expectations is known as ‘frustration-aggression.’

In short, when people and other animals begin to realize that an expected reward is in jeopardy, even unattainable, these centers in the prefrontal cortex trigger fury.   Both love and hate produce excessive energy, drive you to focus obsessively on the beloved and cause intense yearning.  They can exist simultaneously, which is why we vacillate wildly between love and hate when in the throes of being rejected.

“You can be terribly angry at a rejecting sweetheart,” says Fisher, “but still very much in love.”  This reaction explains why jilted lovers stalk and sometimes kill their exes, or even resort to suicide.  Men commit the majority of homicides while women may attempt suicide.

Luckily, many suicidal women fail to kill themselves because they’re probably making the attempt to manipulate the rejecting husband into returning.  However, many do succeed even if they didn’t really intend to die.  Even though our strongest drive is survival, the drive to love can triumph even over the will to live.

Eventually these feelings wane and you must deal with another form of torture, hopelessness and despair.  In a study of 114 men and women who had been rejected within the past eight weeks, some forty percent experienced ‘clinically measurable depression..  The expression, dying of a broken heart, is not just hyperbole.  People do actually die of a broken heart.

They expire from heart attacks or strokes caused by their depression.  These statistics probably come from a study of rejection in college students where most psychologists do their studies.  If clinical depression is that common after rejection when you’re just dating, imagine how severe it is after twenty years of marriage.  Fisher compares the process to the infant mammal when separated from its mother.  When you isolate a  puppy in the kitchen at first it protests.  Eventually, however, it curls up in a corner in a despondent heap.

It’s amazing so many of us survive, and actually bounce back to find a better life.  As severe as our response is to grief, for almost all of us the will to survive is stronger.  We’re programmed to forget and go on.  I often think of what it must have been like in earlier days when women lost so many children before age five.  Their grief was just as intense as ours would be at such a loss, but they got over it and bore more children or the human race wouldn’t have survived.  We have inherited this ability to grieve and go on.   The expression “time heals” is very accurate.

Of course, not all of us suffer equally.  How we react depends on many things, including our upbringing.  The same women who deal best with loneliness because they had secure attachments as children, have the self-esteem and resilience  to overcome a romantic setback relatively quickly.

Those of us who grew up in tense, loveless homes where we constantly had to deal with chaos or rejection, are often left with few defenses after being dumped.  Biology plays a part as well. We all know women with sunny dispositions, who always see the glass as half full.  They take everything, including being left for another woman, with more equanimity and bounce back more quickly.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Editor’s Note: Erica Manfred, author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, is answering your questions about divorce — from how to deal with betrayal, to surviving the first year, to dating again, to finding a new career. Our “Divorce Doctor” looks forward to hearing from you. Leave your questions for Erica in the comments below or e-mail submit@wowOwow.com. For more advice from Erica, visit www.heshistory.com.

Sally R. asks:

“Imagine my thrill at the prospect of starting over in my 60s. I have been married for 42 years and I’m now dealing with a somewhat different situation. My husband left me almost two years ago, and when I finally got fed up with being in financial limbo, I filed for divorce late last year. He says he doesn’t want a divorce — but he won’t offer a single reason to not get one. He tells his lawyer that unless I rescind the petition, he won’t do anything to reconcile. Although I still love him, I no longer like him and don’t see him in my future. I have wanted us to go to counseling all along but now I think it would be a waste of time. At this point, I want him to “cut me loose,” so I can move on. But the prospect of trying to find someone to date is overwhelming. I miss having someone close to cook for and with, watch movies and travel. As much as I enjoy the company of women, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life only with them.”

Erica Answers: Sally, it sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place. He’s the one who left, but he’s the one who doesn’t want a divorce. His threat about refusing to reconcile unless you rescind the petition sounds like financial manipulation. He’s made no attempt at reconciliation for the last two years – why do you think he’s serious about it now? I think you should go ahead with your petition. He’s the one who abandoned you, so you shouldn’t have any problems getting a divorce and, hopefully, a fair settlement.

Your second problem — missing couple activities like cooking for him and having a traveling companion — is a different issue. Once you put your marriage behind you, living alone will seem much less bleak. You will look around and start noticing new ways of reinventing your life. Until then you’ll be in limbo.

I can reassure you that even though you may not find another life mate, you will find men to date and even to love. Two years after divorce, 75 percent of over-55 divorcees have been in a serious relationship. Men are out there if you’re really interested in finding one. And what’s wrong with hanging out with girlfriends? I think it’s great fun.

Linda F. asks:
“How do you stop the bitterness and pain? It’s been five years and I am still lost and hurt. I was shocked one day by a call from the other woman (a convicted prostitute, with a drug addiction, criminal record and several aliases). Before this, everyone (including me) thought this was the perfect relationship. Now, I can’t deal. I don’t want him anymore, but I can’t look at anyone else. It’s really lonely. All of my couple friends have left me. Thankfully I have some strong girlfriends and a great family with two grown children. But it doesn’t help that I lost two good jobs in this terrible economy and now I can’t find work. Do you have any ideas, support or similar feelings?”

Erica Answers: Sounds like you could use a heart-to-heart with Silda Spitzer. Are you in therapy? I would start there. What helped me the most was self-reflection and figuring out my own role in my failed marriage. No, you’re not responsible for his betrayal or sleazy behavior, but there are always red flags that we ignore and denial that we use to protect ourselves.

Ironically, the more responsibility you take for the failure of your marriage, the better you will feel. Taking responsibility is empowering. You move from victim to active participant … which feels a whole lot better.

Another crucial piece is figuring out what happened. Who were you when you got married? Why did you marry this man? What changed over the years? What did you overlook to pretend you had a happy marriage? And, yes, you did overlook a lot. I guarantee it. The more you understand, the better you’ll feel. It helps to read books about divorce. Start with mine of course. I have a good list of other divorce books in my book. As far as looking at anyone else – after betrayal – it’s very hard to trust again. But is there a choice?

Love means taking a leap into the unknown. If you don’t do it, if you don’t risk your heart, you never get the rewards of intimacy. I wish I could help with the job situation, but I’m counting on President Obama to do that.

Have a question for me? I’d love to hear your questions and answer them in my column. Please ask me anything that relates to divorce, either before, during or after. I’m the girlfriend who’s been there, done that and wants to save you a lot of anguish … and a lot of cash. Keep in mind that I’m not a lawyer and can’t answer legal questions, but I’ve interviewed many lawyers and will tell you what I’ve learned if it’s relevant. I also may consult with lawyers and other experts on issues that come up a lot. OK, shoot … Leave your questions in the comment box below or e-mail submit@wowOwow.com (with “divorce doctor” in the subject line). For more information, visit www.heshistory.com or He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40.

Note: Questions may be edited for length and clarity.

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Ask the Divorce Doctor: When the Ex Isn’t Paying

Ask the Divorce Doctor: Why Did he Leave me After 30 Years?

LipStick on His Collar, Hatred in His Heart

Editor’s Note: Erica Manfred, author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, writes a weekly column at www.wowowow.com.

She answers reader questions about divorce, everything from how to deal with betrayal, to surviving the first year, to dating again, to finding a new career. If you have a question for the “Divorce Doctor,” e-mail submit@wowOwow.com. For more advice from Erica, visit www.heshistory.com.

Thebbs B. asks:

Is there anything I could do to legally force my ex to honor the divorce agreement he signed – without having to come up with a large sum of money for an attorney? I do not have enough money to hire an attorney to prove to a judge why I desperately need him to honor what should be a legally binding divorce decree. (The amount of money that he’s NOT sent to me over the years is approximately $66,000.)

Erica Answers: The answer to this question sucks, but in my state, New York, and in many other states there’s nothing you can do without an attorney – unless you represent yourself, which is certainly worth a try. A divorce is a civil action, and like any civil suit, you can’t collect without an attorney. Not paying child support is a different matter. You can go to jail for that, even though few parents actually do. Visit the court clerk and Legal Aid for help and try representing yourself. You may well be able to get an order to collect the money owed. What have you got to lose? There is probably something you could have done at the time of the divorce, though that’s very little comfort now. But other women could learn from your example: Ladies, if your husband is a sneaky sleazebag who’s unlikely to pay alimony or other monthly obligations to you, get as much as possible upfront in the initial settlement and don’t depend on monthly payments. They’re much too hard to collect.

Linda S. asks:

My partner and I separated last year right before my 50th birthday. Two of our three children (ages 22 and 17) live with me. I have a great support system with my friends; however, I am concerned about meeting new people. All of my friends are married or in long-term relationships. I also had to quit school to look for a job due to the recession. My concerns about meeting new people and finding a job are stressful … So is not knowing about the future. How do you deal with uncertainty and meeting new people?

Erica Answers: It’s really rough to face the world alone after being part of a couple for 20-odd years. If you’re referring to meeting people as in “people of the opposite sex,” don’t despair. You’re in a good age group — right in the middle of the baby boom. There are lots of men in their 50s and 60s looking for you. Put on your sexy jeans and test the waters with Internet dating. You won’t necessarily find Mr. Right No. 2 this way, but you will get some dating practice, which you probably need after being married for most of your adult life. As for finding a job, that’s more difficult. Did you finish school? If not, make that a priority even if you have to borrow to do it. In this job market, education is key. As for uncertainty, none of us really know what the future will hold. We pretend that we do but then death, divorce or another tragedy hits and life is up for grabs. If you see uncertainty as an adventure, an opportunity to reinvent your life rather than only a source of stress, meeting new people will become a welcome challenge.

L. A. asks:

How can I be a good friend to someone going through a divorce?  I have never been married, therefore, never divorced. I have a friend who went through a divorce a few years ago. She doesn’t seem to be over her ex-husband (who left her after two decades for her best friend). At times, she is so emotionally fragile I worry about her well-being. I don’t think she’d hurt herself but she may pursue a not-so-great relationship with someone for the companionship. She also is still attracted to the same type of man – self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable. I’ve pointed out mutual acquaintances that I think would make good partners, but she’s not really interested. I know I can’t force her to like someone, but she describes someone who appears to be very kind and caring as not her intellectual equal. I want to point out that the last “intellectual equal” she dated treated her terribly.

In short, how do I be the friend she needs? How do I know when to be a shoulder to cry on versus when to be a dose of reality? Or when to tell her that she needs to toughen up? Is this even my role? (She sees several therapists each week.)

Erica Answers: This has got to be one of the most frustrating questions there is. How do you help a friend who won’t help herself? Being walked out on after 20 years for your best friend would make anyone emotionally fragile. I think you need to walk a fine line between taking care of yourself and taking care of her. At this point the friend she probably needs is a fun friend, not a shoulder-to-cry-on friend. She has therapists for that. She needs a buddy to hang out with, go to movies and out to dinner with, have a good time with, to get her mind off her troubles. Reassure her that you care about her but try to avoid the heavy heart-to-heart talks. If she brings up the kind and caring guy who’s not her intellectual equal, feel free to point out that the last “intellectual equal” was a rat, and then drop the subject. Don’t try to talk her into seeing the world your way. Hopefully eventually she will recognize that we can’t change other people, only ourselves. It’s a hard lesson but it sure makes friendship (and life) a lot easier.

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Editor’s Note: Erica Manfred, author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, writes a weekly column at www.wowowow.com.

She answers reader questions about divorce, everything from how to deal with betrayal, to surviving the first year, to dating again, to finding a new career. If you have a question for the “Divorce Doctor,” e-mail submit@wowOwow.com. For more advice from Erica, visit www.heshistory.com.

Jane W. asks:

Why did he leave? My husband just told me he wanted a divorce after 30 years of marriage. He said he didn’t love me anymore, he hadn’t loved me for years, he’d just stuck around until the kids were grown. I was stunned. I had no idea he didn’t love me. We never fought, we agreed about everything, we enjoyed raising our kids, we had fun together. I was looking forward to a wonderful retirement together. OK … so we weren’t exactly passionate, but after 30 years, isn’t that normal? I am mystified and devastated. How could this happen out of the clear-blue sky with no warning?

Erica Answers: Actually there was a warning — you never fought. I just interviewed Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, which is based on her study of 373 couples over 23 years. Predictably, 46% got divorced. According to Dr. Orbuch your question is very common. She says it’s a myth that good marriages don’t have conflict. A lack of conflict means you’re not dealing with things that matter. The key is how the couple deals with conflict. “In general you don’t want destructive conflict with yelling and interrupting and withdrawing, both destructive,” she says. “Happy couples learn how to fight fair.”

Of course that answer is no help now that it’s too late. Or is it? Will he go to counseling with you? A friend of mine is in your situation and her husband has agreed to counseling, where all the anger he’s been storing up for 25 years is coming out. It’s extremely painful for her but she’s hanging in there. Maybe they’ll get back together, but even if they don’t at least she’ll know why her marriage broke up. She won’t make the same mistakes again.

Linda S. asks:

Is there sex after divorce? I’m 58 and my husband of 25 years left me six months ago for a younger woman. I’ve been crying nonstop since he left, but recently stopped crying long enough to surf Internet dating sites. There are some attractive men out there. After years of disinterest in sex (with him), suddenly I’m on fire. Every time a man comes into my office, I start thinking about what he’d be like as a sex partner. Is this normal? Should I start dating so soon, even though I’m still angry and hurting? If I do, should I have sex? I’m afraid I won’t be able to resist

Erica Answers: I went through the same thing after my husband left, although it took a little longer. I was stunned at how those sexual feelings started flooding back after so many years of death below the waist. The danger of sexual experimentation before you’re really over your ex is getting hurt yet again. I fell madly in love nine months after my husband left, and when it didn’t work out, I was devastated. Yes, sex is an escape from the relentless pain of grieving — and it’s a real ego booster to find that men are attracted to you, that you’re still a sexual being. But you’re exquisitely vulnerable at this stage.

Don’t set yourself up for more suffering. We women aren’t great at sleeping around without emotional connection. I’d say go ahead and start dating, have sex if you can’t resist, but protect your heart — take it very slowly. And protect your body — practice safe sex.

Here are some wonderful insights and advice on living alone from Florence Falk, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of On My Own; The Art of Being a Woman Alone

You were divorced and alone, how did you manage to get through the initial period of intense loneliness?

First you must distinguish aloneness from loneliness.  We live in a culture that works to diminish a woman’s sense of self.  We are still stuck with the archetype of spinster which resides in the collective unconscious.  It’s very different from the archetype of the bachelor.  A spinster is seen as a dried up, desiccated, a throw away figure, while the bachelor is seen as debonair and eligible.   Until women grow comfortable and can stretch out into themselves they carry a lot of shame.

It’s very important for women to also meet in communities and understand they’re not alone.  When I give talks I let women know I’m not an aberration because I enjoy living alone.

How did you turn aloneness into a positive?

Aloneness is a neutral state.  You need to take away the coloration—which is almost always negative. When I say aloneness, people hear it as loneliness as if they were interchangeable. The distinction matters.  Aloneness is part of the human condition.  One of the ways we get in touch with ourselves is to really enter aloneness—from there you find your way into solitude.    It is frightening at first, but it gets easier.

How do you reach that state?

Everyone has had the experience of peace walking on the beach, reading, taking yoga, when there’s a lot of silence around you with no distractions.    Our culture is endlessly fueling us to be distracted; it wants us to buy more, use the cell phone, stay temporarily occupied and temporarily satisfied.   You’re bucking that.

You need to figure out what you need in order to feel more comfortable and in connection with yourself.  Solitude is the other side of relationship.  The more you grow into yourself, the more connected you are, the more you’re able to be a good friend and lover.

Women are afraid they’re empty inside.   They come up against, fear and shame and guilt—what did I do wrong so this man left me?    After mourning and grieving the relationship, you need to move into meditation, into a more spiritual life, into doing what you’ve never done before.  If it feels scary, you may need to tiptoe into the experience of aloneness and solitude five minutes worth at a time.

Who has the most trouble with loneliness after divorce?

Women who don’t know how to be alone.  There are women who have never developed an inner life and who are believers in the myth that someone else will complete them.  Those women never look at themselves introspectively; they’re always looking outside themselves to be saved.  When we do that we’re diminishing our own value and asking someone else to do something for us only we can do.

How do you suggest women start learning the art of solitude?

Find and pay close attention to what it is that you find truly comforting outside of food and drink.  Practice yoga, or whatever calms you. Listen to music, take a walk, play with your dog.   Try sewing or knitting.

Do something creative, which is not just about art, it’s about how you’re living moment to moment.   A lot of women love to garden or cook.   Extend the definition of creativity
It can be the simplest thing.  One woman loved idea of going home, making a nice meal, setting the table and making it beautiful for herself.   She created it for herself.

Help other women who are less fortunate, who don’t have resources.  Let’s use our nurturing gifts to help other women.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

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