In my morning reading, I came across an article in Forbes Woman that struck a chord. It concerns Stacy Morrison, former Editor-in-Chief of Redbook, speaking about her divorce and its aftermath in her new book, Falling Apart in One Piece: An Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce.

This isn’t the stuff of celebrity media fodder – Tiger Woods or Sandra Bullock and their much publicized personal woes. Nor does it resemble similar scandals in the political arena, as we saw last Spring with revelations of indiscretions from South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, or former presidential candidate John Edwards, shown the door by wife Elizabeth earlier this year.

There is no love child, no serial infidelity, no single cause to point to for this particular marital meltdown. Rather, there is something potentially more universal.

While I have not yet read the book (and this one, I certainly will), it appears that what distinguishes this story is something rarely aired when it comes to divorce: the gray area of “I don’t know why.” Furthermore, the “successful woman” is subject to the double-edged sword of envy by others as one who seemingly “had it all,” yet she still faces what many of us must – divorce in a haze of disbelief, divorce without answers, divorce with costs beyond imagining, and a dizzying aftermath of coming to terms with a new reality.

More prevalent than we know?

While the gray area of “not knowing why” offers no trappings of a flashy cause célèbre like flagrantly broken vows, it may be what millions of us experience. Our children ask “why” and we search for responses. We murmur platitudes and try to accept them. We sweep our own grappling for comprehension under the proverbial rug. And many of us struggle with the (professional) requirement for a “public” face, whatever the reality of the private one.

Reading an excerpt from Ms. Morrison’s book, I experienced a sort of jolt back in time, nearly nine years. My own story was – and is – considerably different from hers. But I recognize the feelings she expresses: a kind of shattering and bewilderment, life as you define it spinning out of control.

Dealing with no answers

We may be easily caught up in snippets of sensationalized scandal, gawking and moralizing, or secretly satisfied to witness a lifestyle we’ve coveted suddenly fraught with problems.

I suspect in Ms. Morrison’s journey there is both more substance and more relevance, to men and women both. There are vital questions about caring for our children as single parents, as well as navigating the terrain of  “I don’t know why.” After all, without explicit signs or obvious infidelity, how do you reconcile the disappearance of love? The discarding of shared history, merged families, parental responsibilities?

How can you ever “fix” what you cannot identify? How do you deal with the disintegration of everything you’ve come to recognize as “normal?” How do you move on?

Motherhood: Impossible expectations

It’s difficult enough managing marriage, work, and children with two parents and a support system. When one of the adults drops out of the picture, life implodes. The parent who takes on daily responsibilities – man or woman -  is left holding the bag. Generally, this is the woman. The massive changes required – whether or not she was (once) the primary breadwinner, or even a good breadwinner – are frequently taken lightly or dismissed altogether. By friends, and potentially the family court system.

While the cargo in that bag I just mentioned is the most precious of all – our children – it doesn’t lessen the enormity of the task at hand. On the contrary; expectations of motherhood (already impossibly high) are now overloaded even more. There are new challenges, not the least of which is helping our children to navigate traumatic emotional territory, as the composition of the family unit changes.

Worse, our own expectations as mothers are no longer remotely achievable. Most of us must, inevitably, find another reality. A sometimes frantic, figure-it-out-as-you-go approach that makes our previous juggling act look like a vacation in the tropics. And we do it. We just do it. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And at great cost, on all fronts.

As for why my own marriage of more than 10 years ended? I have only guesses, and knowledge that we “looked good” from the outside. Clearly, I didn’t see what I didn’t want to see.

Reinventing ourselves

Those who go through the end of a marriage must reinvent themselves. It may involve a journey of small revelations and behavioral adjustments, or something more dramatic like a new career, a new city, or even a new country in order to start over. Certainly, there is inner work that takes place – or should – to rediscover the post-marriage self.

Even with a well-established reputation, Ms. Morrison’s path wasn’t an easy one. Juggling single parenting – for the primary custodial parent – will inevitably affect the tenuous balance of work and life, and for most of us, career will suffer in some way in order to parent well. The author goes on to say:

“… until we stand up and speak the truth of our lives to the people we work for and the governments we support, then we’ll continue to shoulder the impossible.

While Ms. Morrison has come out the other side very differently than I have – most notably through her ability to successfully co-parent with her ex – many of her words hit home. Her excerpt leaves us with this thought:

“Five years later, I can honestly say that my divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I am at peace, and not just with my divorce. With myself.

I have much admiration for this statement, and I understand it. Personally, I cannot say my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me, nor that I am at peace with it. I still have no answers, not only regarding the end of the marriage but for the years since. Where I wholeheartedly agree with Ms. Morrison’s experience is in this – I am, indeed, at peace with myself.

©DAWolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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When you found out your spouse was cheating, were you obsessed with thoughts of revenge?  Throwing all his clothes in a heap on the lawn…slashing his tires…or forwarding copies of his cyber sex sessions to his entire address book?   Maybe your fantasies were more devious – perhaps they involved some Superglue and the bathroom throne.  Or maybe that paste could attach a certain ‘member’ to the inside of his leg…

Well, for anyone who has experienced heart-break of infidelity, a new book called The Down and Dirty Dish On Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold To That Lying,Cheating Bastard offers new insights into how people plan, carry out, and savour revenge on an ex.

Let’s clarify something right away: this is NOT a “how-to guide” on revenge tactics  - though it does include some outlandish revange stories by real people (and famous personalities).  Instead, author Eva Nagorski not only dives into the history of adultery and revenge, she examines the psychology/genetics of people who desire retribution.  She provides experts’ commentary on both the merits and dangers of revenge.  And she also explores how people can ‘keep a lid’ on their vengeful feelings and move on.

Written in the tone of a chick-lit novel, The Down and Dirty Dish Revenge was inspired by Nagorski’s wildly popular blog, That Girl Emily.  In this blog, Nagorski took on the psyche of Emily, a 35-year-old fictitious suburban housewife, who found out her husband was cheating.  So ‘Emily’ exacted 14 days of purchased billboards in Times Square that announced that he was not exactly “well-endowed”; drove his desecrated car through the streets of Manhattan; and had the famous Katz’s deli in New York City make a sandwich in Steven’s name–”The Cheatin’ Steven.”

Again, ‘Emily’ was a fictitious character; Nagorski was actually hired to write this blog as part of an advertising campaign for Court TV’s, Parco P.I.. But Nagorski says her character resonated with so many readers – and so quickly - that she felt compelled to ’stake-out” the world of revenge more closely. She says she hopes her book will help lift the veil of shame people have for their angry, vengeful thoughts.   Cause most people have them; but whether or not they act on them and how far they’ll take them, are other matters entirely.

What do you think of Nagorski’s concept?  Too sensational, borderline insane?  Too much focus on men being cheaters instead of all the female perpetrators?  Might the best revenge be just to be caught reading this book in public? Here’s the book trailer…

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Submitted by Delaine

Since separating almost three years ago, my leisurely reading has been very limited and very serious. We’re talking non-fiction and self-help only.   This was for a couple of reasons.  First,  the idea of anything make-believe or romantic repulsed me (I guess experiencing infidelity can have that effect).  Secondly, I had work to do – not only in terms of piecing me and my life back together, but in terms of rising into the role of single mom of three kids AND my new career as an author.  Truly, I felt like Delaine-The-Avid-Reader, who I’d been since I was a teenager, was gone.

But all that changed recently…yessiree, it did.  And you can laugh or roll your eyes if you want, but it was all because a friend of mine gifted me Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga Series: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  That’s right – this pushing-forty, no-time-for make-believe divorcee got hooked and swallowed by characters and a storyline geared at ’young adults’.

Now immediately I have to mention that I KNOW I’m not the only woman in my age group to catch the “Twilight Saga Fever.”  Four of my other mom-friends were consumed by it before it hit me; I kept hearing mini-swoonings about this ‘Edward character’ - how badly he craves Bella, how he looks at her in THAT way, how the mere smell of her totally undoes him…  And I’d thought, “What the hell?  He’s a vampire ladies. AND he’s young enough to be your son!”

But damn…as soon as I met him myself, I snuggled in for as  long as possible.  And I can’t help but laugh – for it appears I needed a 17-year-old vampire instead of a White Knight to revive my romance-dead imagination.

Oh, it wasn’t just Edward that had me devouring each 600-plus-page book like a food-starved prisoner at a buffet.  The plotline had so many arches and twists that I often sat there shocked that my predictions were way off.  Cause so many books are just so…predictable, don’t you think?  There again, maybe it’s cause stories about vampires and werewolves have never been my first pick.  Heck, the only other vampire book I’ve even read is Interview With A Vampire.  Ah, but perhaps the time has come for that to change. *grin.

So if any of you are looking for an entertaining and EASY read (Meyer’s writing isn’t decorative or heavy), or, if perhaps you just want to escape from the insanity of your life right now, I’d recommend this series with a great big gushy smile.  And as for what you might think of Edward well…let’s just say the inside of your closet door makes a great place for Edward’s (Robert Pattison’s) poster.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Here are some wonderful insights and advice on living alone from Florence Falk, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of On My Own; The Art of Being a Woman Alone

You were divorced and alone, how did you manage to get through the initial period of intense loneliness?

First you must distinguish aloneness from loneliness.  We live in a culture that works to diminish a woman’s sense of self.  We are still stuck with the archetype of spinster which resides in the collective unconscious.  It’s very different from the archetype of the bachelor.  A spinster is seen as a dried up, desiccated, a throw away figure, while the bachelor is seen as debonair and eligible.   Until women grow comfortable and can stretch out into themselves they carry a lot of shame.

It’s very important for women to also meet in communities and understand they’re not alone.  When I give talks I let women know I’m not an aberration because I enjoy living alone.

How did you turn aloneness into a positive?

Aloneness is a neutral state.  You need to take away the coloration—which is almost always negative. When I say aloneness, people hear it as loneliness as if they were interchangeable. The distinction matters.  Aloneness is part of the human condition.  One of the ways we get in touch with ourselves is to really enter aloneness—from there you find your way into solitude.    It is frightening at first, but it gets easier.

How do you reach that state?

Everyone has had the experience of peace walking on the beach, reading, taking yoga, when there’s a lot of silence around you with no distractions.    Our culture is endlessly fueling us to be distracted; it wants us to buy more, use the cell phone, stay temporarily occupied and temporarily satisfied.   You’re bucking that.

You need to figure out what you need in order to feel more comfortable and in connection with yourself.  Solitude is the other side of relationship.  The more you grow into yourself, the more connected you are, the more you’re able to be a good friend and lover.

Women are afraid they’re empty inside.   They come up against, fear and shame and guilt—what did I do wrong so this man left me?    After mourning and grieving the relationship, you need to move into meditation, into a more spiritual life, into doing what you’ve never done before.  If it feels scary, you may need to tiptoe into the experience of aloneness and solitude five minutes worth at a time.

Who has the most trouble with loneliness after divorce?

Women who don’t know how to be alone.  There are women who have never developed an inner life and who are believers in the myth that someone else will complete them.  Those women never look at themselves introspectively; they’re always looking outside themselves to be saved.  When we do that we’re diminishing our own value and asking someone else to do something for us only we can do.

How do you suggest women start learning the art of solitude?

Find and pay close attention to what it is that you find truly comforting outside of food and drink.  Practice yoga, or whatever calms you. Listen to music, take a walk, play with your dog.   Try sewing or knitting.

Do something creative, which is not just about art, it’s about how you’re living moment to moment.   A lot of women love to garden or cook.   Extend the definition of creativity
It can be the simplest thing.  One woman loved idea of going home, making a nice meal, setting the table and making it beautiful for herself.   She created it for herself.

Help other women who are less fortunate, who don’t have resources.  Let’s use our nurturing gifts to help other women.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

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My book, He’s History; You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty, is a very candid account of my marriage and how it ended. An Amazon reader gave me a review which took issue with my telling the truth about my husband “without providing him a forum to defend himself” because she thought that would hurt my daughter. I wonder if she thought I should have given him a chapter in the book to tell his side of the story? 

Hey, if we were speaking I might have done that. As it is, I got to exercise the prerogative of the writer—I got to tell my side of the story without consulting him. Is this fair to my daughter? I think so, for the reasons I outline below. I’d love to find  out what you think?
The review was entitled: Dirty Laundry. She gave me one star (I think you have to give at least one star)
    
September 17, 2009

Ms. Manfred takes great care to write about keeping children out of the fray in the case of divorce. Good advice. It’s too bad she doesn’t heed her own counsel. She wrote a self-help book incorporating the story of her life. She wrote about her husband’s alleged adultery without providing him a forum to defend himself. All of this is memorialized for posterity for her child. Why would she want to hurt the one person she claims to care for the most? Ms. Manfred could have written this book without interjecting her own experiences, but then, she couldn’t have exacted revenge on the father of her child.

Here’s how I responded:

If I had written this book without injecting my own experience it would have been a different and much less helpful book. If you take a look at all the reviews they all mention that the inclusion of my experience gives the book the authenticity that makes it so valuable. In fact, I’ve heard from many readers that my book made them feel understood, that I could empathize what they were going through because I’d been there, done that, made the same mistakes they had made but managed to recover. There is no way I could have given readers that kind of reassurance without including my story.

As for my daughter, I wish I had such a book written by my mom about her marriage to my dad. What an incredible gift that would have been. As is, I know little of what she thought or felt during their unhappy marriage. Of course my daughter is free to talk to her father for his side of the story–but this book is part of my legacy to her and I believe it’s a valuable legacy. Who was it that said, “the truth shall set you free?” Knowing the truth can only give her insight into her past. By the way I changed her first name and we have different last names so her anonymity has been preserved.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

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