Some in the media are trying to second guess Oksana’s reasons for not filing a domestic abuse charge at the time of the incident. Some people find it quite curious that a woman would not call the police and even more curious that she has now chosen to release the disturbing tapes of Gibson’s tirade.

Those second guessing her motives are doing so because they have never been in the shoes of an abused person. Why didn’t Oksana call the police in January when the abuse took place? I can’t speak for her but I can speak for other women who’ve been in the same situation and there are a number of reasons a woman does not call the police.

• Love
• Fear
• Shame
• Low Self-esteem
• Finances

Only Oksana knows why she didn’t call the police. The sad fact is that her reaction to his abuse is not abnormal.

Why has she now released the tapes?

More than likely she has realized what she is up against in a custody battle with Mel Gibson. Oksana had filed a restraining order asking for temporary custody of their child. Whether she gets what she requests from the courts is up to a Family Court Judge.

If you’ve been in Family Court you know that a judge has great discretion when handing down an order. Unless you can prove that your child is in danger a judge will more than likely not deny a mother or father access to the child.

From what I’ve heard on the tapes I’m of the opinion that Mel Gibson isn’t fit, at this time to parent any child. For Oksana to prove that he is a danger to not only her and himself but the child also she had to prove to a judge that the situations was extreme.

Releasing the tapes has done that. This is a mother tying to protect her child. Not a woman trying to extort money as some have suggested. She is battling an emotionally fragile man who is wealthy and well known. Her chances of protecting her child via the Family Court System were small when going up against Mel Gibson.

If you’ve been there you know what I’m talking about. In Family Court the person with the money, the one who can hire the expensive divorce attorney prevails in court. In her shoes I would have released the tapes also. He has money but she has something far more damaging.

In this case you have the Family Court System and the court of public opinion. The outrage over the Gibson tapes will influence how a judge rules in this case. Mel may have money and status but he can’t go up against the Family Court System AND the court of public opinion.

I imagine Oksana knew this and to protect her child has used it in her favor. I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same.

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Growing Up and Growing Apart II

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Imagine: you’re on Facebook and you see that one of your friends has changed their relationship status from ‘married’ to ‘single.’ It’s always complicated to let people know about your divorce, and Facebook gives you a way (for better or worse) to let everyone know. Isn’t that easy?

Think about how easy it is to put information on Facebook, transmit it, and show it off to everyone you know (or everyone with eyes and a computer, depending on your privacy settings.) Social networking sites, like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and even World of Warcraft are becoming the new way through which divorces often start and gather momentum.

Photos, updates, and posts provide very concrete evidence of what you are doing, and the fact that you’re showing it off to the world may cause some pain to your spouse if you are the leave-er and he or she is the leave-ee. Privacy is important in protecting the other person’s dignity – and there can be hell to pay when you hurt someone more than you have to.

Technology is redefining our lives and so it is with online social networking. Self disclosure in cyberspace is now being used as evidence in some divorce cases as proof that one spouse is at fault, lying, or less fit to be taking care of the kids.

According to an article in USA today, research by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers conveys that, over the last five years, 81% of divorce lawyers have either utilized or encountered evidence from social networking sites. Facebook is the most cited, appearing in 66% of cases using subpoenaed Internet evidence.

Now, the problem here is not the sites themselves. Marriages break up for the most ancient of reasons, power struggles, lack of kindness, loss of love, hurt, money problems, infidelity and the like. The Internet doesn’t cause marital problems (people do) but it can make matters worse.

Infidelity is without doubt, easier because of the sheer access to so many potential lovers. Gambling takes on new forms (like a poker addiction) found in one’s living room computer. But anonymity is not what one likes to think, because the Internet also makes it easier for the offending spouse to get caught.

The double life you try to lead on the Internet might just come back to haunt you. Lawyers know how to find information you’ve posted on social networking sites that you thought had been kept hidden. Sage advice: Like driving a car, it is a good idea to know about the power of technology before using it and finding yourself in trouble.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children.  Order your copy today!

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Mel Gibson has outdone himself and the only “Leathal Weapon” around seems to be his mouth. The Gibson, who came under fire in 2006 for anti-Semitic remarks, had a few choice words former girlfriend Oksana Grigoriev according to RadarOnline.com. The bad news for Mel? Oksana was recording the tirade.

What was said? See below but be warned, it isn’t censored and it isn’t pleasant.

• “You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of ni**ers, it will be your fault.”
• “You’re an embarrassment to me.”
• “How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice?”
• “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”
• “Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… fucking fake… fucking fake.
• “You are the most synthetic person… who the fuck are you?”
• “This is my last message. I might be the father… Well, fuck you… You psycho cunt…Because I don’t care.”
• “Do you understand me? I’m done.”

Since Mel and Oksana split it has been tit for tat when it comes to claims of bad behavior. Mel has said that Okasana was violent with the baby…shaking the 10 month old during an argument the two had.

Oksana has said Mel punched her in the face, breaking teeth and giving her a concussion.

Oksana has claimed that Mel wasn’t paying child support leaving her to live on credit cards and borrow money from friends.

Mel has said he pays the appropriate amount of child support and put her up in a multi-million dollar home all while she was refusing to allow him to see his daughter.

Both were in court today, Oksana requesting a restraining order to keep Mel away from her and the child. Mel requesting an order that no further tapes me released to the press.

Let’s look at the situation from Oksana’s perspective. If her allegation of domestic abuse is true then I understand her concern about Gibson having anything but supervised visitation with their child. Was she motivated to tape his abusive tirade out of fear that, that would be the only way she could prove in court that he is dangerous?

How about Mel’s perspective? The man has proven himself to be an anti-Semite, racist, misogynistic fool. Even the worst kind of fool can love their child and maybe this recent rage was prompted by her trying to keep him away from his child.

I know from experience that someone interfering in your relationship with your child is infuriating. I also know from experience that who we are, our character and belief system determines how we respond to such a situation.

If this recent tirade by Mel is in response to Oksana blocking access to his child it says one thing, the man lacks character. There is no “Braveheart” there!

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It was the USA and England today in the World Cup. The Game ended in a 1-1 tie thanks to Clint Dempsey of team USA.

Some are calling it a goalkeeping blunder; I’ll call it an honest mistake.  England was up by one goal when Robert Green, in the 40^th minute of the game let a ball slide right off his hands and into the net. Score USA!

It was Clint Dempsey who made that end of the game goal for the USA.  Opinion is, the only reason Dempsey made a goal is because Green made such a  “blundering” mistake. I disagree. The only reason the ball got past Green was because Dempsey kicked the hell out of it.

Good news is, the USA was not expected to win against England. They tied and that means they are still in the driver’s seat.  Those boys are still in for the ride.

Did you watch USA-England? What did you think of Dempsey’s shot and Green’s mistake?

For your viewing pleasure, the fella that got it past Green…

Name: Clint Dempsey

Position: Midfielder

Current club: Fulham (ENG)

World Cup Team: USA

More World Cup Eye Candy

Mikkel Beckmann

I have no interest in soccer. Not, that is until World Cup time. Every four years my disinterest comes out of hibernation and I’m all about soccer. Or, all about soccer players.

Starting today there will be 32 teams…boys in shorts, competing in the World Cup. I can’t think of a better reason to tune in and enjoy the view.

Sure, there are other reasons to watch the World Cup. There is…

Lots of drama,

Lots of emotion,

Lots of intense play,

Lots of pointless nationalism,

And lots of flag waving

For me it is all about the “eye candy.” And in honor of all those delicious soccer players who will entertain me over the next month DWO will be posting our “World Cup Daily Eye Candy.” Our solute to the game and the guys who play.

For your viewing pleasure…

Name: Mikkel Beckmann

Team: Randers (Denmark)

What we like about him: It is all in the smile!

Should I wait to date until my divorce is final?

That is a question I hear often. As far as I’m concerned adults can deal with their dating life in anyway they see fit. BUT I do feel strongly that much thought should be put into whether or not dating is something you want to add to the stress and emotion of divorce.

We are all human and what better comfort during a stressful time than the attention and affection of a member of the opposite sex? I had a friend tell me that the best way to get over my ex would be to get under someone else. An attractive thought but my divorce was so adversarial I shudder to think what my ex would have done once a third party became involved.

And that is what you have to think about if you date before the ink is dry on those divorce court orders. How is your soon to be ex going to respond and do you want to introduce an innocent person into what is and could become a more stressful situation.

There is always the possibility of ending up in Gabrielle Union’s position.  Gabrielle is currently dating Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade has been thrown into the middle of the NBA stars divorce to Siohvaughn Wade. TMZ is reporting that Siohvaughn Wade is suing Gabrielle for $50,000 in damages caused by emotional distress on behalf of the couples’ two sons, Zaire, 8, and Zion, 2.

According to the Chicago Sun Times, Siohvaughn is a claiming that Gabrielle “engaged in sexual foreplay with Dwyane Wade” in front of the two boys while they were on an unsupervised visit with their father. Wade has spoken out about allegations, saying,

“I am shocked that Siohvaughn has brought this baseless and meritless lawsuit in the name of our children against Gabrielle Union. I am deeply saddened and disappointed that Siohvaughn has used our sons once again as pawns and is now lashing out at Gabrielle, who is an innocent party. It is clear that this is a desperate attempt to retaliate against me for seeking sole custody of our children and requesting that the court have her undergo a psychiatric examination.”

There is a slew of additional allegations in the suit, including neglect, the suit claims Wade introduced Union to the boys and said, “that is why your mom and I are going to divorce.”

Wade, now 28, had been with Siohvaughn since the age of 15.

OK, so not many of us aren’t going to be sued for $50,000. Few of us are going to date an NBA star but there are a lot of crazy, soon to be exes out there so why take chances?

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We all know the latest…Sandra Bullock has filed for a divorce and adopted a baby. What about Jessie though, what do you suppose that cad things about all this?

Below is a statement released by Jessie James after the People Magazine interview with Sandra.

What do you think, a man repentant or a man pretending?

“My whole life has been full of hard decisions. The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart. Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life,” James said.

“I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days (sex rehab) are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about. I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together.”

This says it all to me, “The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest.”

Let? He is going to “let” his wife divorce him? These are the words of a man who thinks he is in control of everything…except of course his ability to be faithful. Some news for you Jessie, she could divorce you whether you “let” her or not.

On the other hand, you didn’t have to agree to her following through with the adoption of Louis Bardo on her own. You could have fought for the right to parent the child. One has to wonder what your motive is for not fighting for those rights.

If you gave up your parental rights to Louis in hopes of garnering favor with Sandra Bullock you may have made a mistake. All you’ve done is show her you are willing to give up your son. Not exactly the route to take if you want to show what kind of man you are.

Not many women are going to put much faith and trust in a man who gives up parental rights to a child, regardless of the circumstances. My personal opinion…you want Sandra Bullock to respect you, fight like hell and show her that you may have made mistakes but you aren’t a man who will turn his back on his child.

Now that is a man who earns respect!

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I often tell women who are going through a divorce; especially one that causes the pain Sandra Bullock is experiencing to distract themselves by staying busy.

What better distraction could there be than a 3-month-old named Louis? I’m thinking Sandra Bullock is going to be way better off with a little baby than a big baby. I can’t think of a better replacement for Jessie James than Louis Bardo Bullock?

I remember holding my boys when they were newborns. It was soothing, all seemed right with the world. Imagine the comfort and self-soothing effect Louis will have on Sandra during this sad time in her life.

Sandra has a lot of love to give, plenty of time on her hands and a hell of a lot more resources than most single mothers. Some will say that a new baby while going through a divorce is added stress during an already stressful time.

I would disagree. While going through my own divorce, my children saved my sanity. Having to focus on them and consider their needs distracted me from my own problems.

Her response in this week’s interview with people magazine when asked about Jesse James and the Nazi photo tells me that Sandra may have made a bad choice in whom to marry….”The photo shocked me and made me sad,” Bullock tells People. “This was stupid, this was ignorant. Racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, homophobia, anything Nazi and a boatload of other things have no place in my life.”  But she didn’t make a bad choice in deciding to become a single mom.

I love this! This is a woman who is afraid, sad and mothering a new baby on her own. Her self-esteem is high enough though that she is willing to face her fears alone rather than allow a “boatload of other things” in her life.

Sandra Bullock is better off financially that most of us single mothers but she has something we all can have that will get her through a hard time, she has backbone and convictions.

That is all any single mother needs when facing whatever life throws her way. Sandra and Louis, they are going to be just fine.

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Something has gone seriously awry in the world of the “other woman.” They have forgotten that they are the “other woman.” A title that comes with no entitlement, no power, no rights and damned sure no claim to an apology.

Heads up ladies, if you make the choice to shed your lacy thongs and spread your legs for a married man, your expectations should not be high. It would be foolish to expect a high return on the investment you make in that man.

In fact, you should have no expectations at all. You see, you are not the victim; you are the victimizer. You may not be married, you may not be breaking any vows but you are taking something that doesn’t belong to you and the last I heard, a thief is a thief. The belief that any of Tiger’s mistresses are owed an apology is quite the narcissistic view on entitlement.

When I hear stories about some mistress demanding an apology from the married man she slept with I have to ask myself, “what the hell?” When did women and men become so unaware of the fact that wanting someone doesn’t mean going after than someone regardless of who you hurt in the process. When did men and woman become so willing to plow down the feelings of others just to have what they want? When and how did we as a society get to the point that we no longer understand that it is NOT OK to sleep with another person’s spouse?

Jamie Jungers, one of Tiger’s mistresses told E! Online that his public apology was “crap,” “hurtful” and “rude.” Some insight for you Jamie…sleeping with someone else’s husband is “rude” honey. Carrying on an affair is “hurtful” to those who actually have the right to expect fidelity from the man you are sleeping with. In addition, any woman who crawls into bed with a married man is looking at “crap” every time she passes a mirror.

Then there is Joslyn James, the ex porn star who claims to have been impregnated by Tiger twice during their affair. Seems Joslyn has suffered loss of income due to not being able to work due to the emotional stress of learning exactly who Tiger Woods was. How about we put two and two together? Doing so shows, plain as day who Tiger Woods is. And why Joslyn or anyone else who sleeps with a married man is surprised when that man shows them who he really is, is surprising to me.

You can spray a little perfume on it, paint it’s face and doll it up but it is still a home wrecker…not a victim. Please, someone, explain to these misguided women that they’ve earned nothing but a few negative labels and the right to now fade into the background where they belong. You may not ever get an apology but fade away into obscurity and I’ll send you a hearty THANKS…skanks!

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Understanding the Pain and Rejection of Infidelity

In he book, Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities, Elizabeth Edwards writes about her reaction to husband John Edward’s affair.

According to Edwards she “cried, screamed and went to the bathroom, and threw up”.

“I spent months learning to live with a single incidence of infidelity. And I would like to say that a single incidence is easy to overcome, but it is not,” Edwards wrote. “I am who I am. I am imperfect in a million ways, but I always thought I was the kind of woman, the kind of wife to whom a husband would be faithful.”

If you’ve experienced the betrayal of infidelity I’m sure you can relate to her story. Some may even be able to relate to her desire to save her marriage. And, know in great detail…

What has to happen for any marriage to survive infidelity:

I. What any victim of infidelity is really feeling:

You act out of character and out of control

Doing all those things Elizabeth Edwards said she did: sobbing, screaming and then throwing up. Most normal people find themselves not just feeling, but also acting, out of character.

You have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Flashbacks, replaying the discovery scene repeatedly. Obsessing about what you did wrong. Obsessing about what your spouse and his lover did together. Uncertainty about the future. Feelings of anxiety, panic and depression. These are all due to the discovery that your spouse has been unfaithful.

II. What has to happen for the marriage to survive?

The one who has strayed has to acknowledge and take full responsibility for the affair.

The choice to be unfaithful was your husband’s alone. Infidelity is a choice. Period. You could have been the worst spouse in the world. If that was the case, your husband could have gone to counseling and figured out if his marriage was viable or not. But, one person in the marriage made the choice to lie, deceive and break the marriage vows. It is that person who bares the responsibility and has the most work to do.

The one who strays has to recognize the seriousness of the betrayal. He has to really “get it.”

The husband who says, “this meant nothing to me,” or “It was no big deal.” doesn’t get it. The husband who strays has to see that this breach of trust can be a deal-breaker for a marriage and that he is responsible for repairing the damage.

The one who strays has to rebuild trust in the way the partner needs it.

Husband who stray and want to come back home long to be able to say, “I’m sorry.” and move on. That’s not how it works. The unfaithful husband has to be willing to do whatever his wife needs to move forward. The unfaithful husband usually has a lover on the side giving warm-fuzzies, while the wife at home is furious and can hardly speak in a civil tone of voice. It’s hard to choose to do the hard work of repair. Most cheaters are not willing to do what it takes. They would rather avoid the discomfort of dealing with an angry, betrayed wife. If this is your husband, don’t ever take his avoidance as a sign of strength.

III. What can you do to prevent affairs from happening in your marriage?

Agree not to drink alcohol alone with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

Alcohol is involved in a big percentage of initial cases of infidelity. Alcohol decreases our resistance, makes us lose our inhibitions and make bad choices. And promotes situations that encourage straying.

Maintain a partnership with each spouse helping the other achieve his or her goals.

Trouble brews when one person is the main breadwinner and begins to see his partner as dispensable. Alternatively, when one partner does all of the emotional work in the relationship there is the same danger. Marriage is a partnership and both spouses should put forth equal effort in reaching those goals.

Create an accountability group.

Stay in regular contact with a small group of girlfriends who share your moral and spiritual standards. Find a group that values marriage and have strong marriages themselves. Support each other in living up to the standards you’ve set for yourself and your marriage.

Don’t push issues under the rug that should be addressed.

Keeping the peace is not worth it if serious issues are unresolved for either partner. If one person in the relationship always gives in, the other partner doesn’t have to do their share of the work in making the marriage good for both of them. Get counseling before problems become irreparable.

Often in midlife divorces of prominent people, the wife is simply not willing to give up all the rewards of being married to a successful person. Giving up the big house, the parties for a life of insecurity are more than they are willing to do. I’m sure Elizabeth Edward’s cancer has also influenced her decision to try to work this out. The Edwards’ marriage outcome has everything to do with how willing John is to do the work of repair that Elizabeth needs. Stay tuned…especially now that John Edwards has acknowledged the child born of his affair.

Update: Elizabeth and John Edwards Separate

• Did your marriage survive infidelity?
• What advice would you give Elizabeth Edwards?
• Could you accept and stand by your husband if he fathered another woman’s child?

Suzy Brown is a midlife divorce recovery expert in Kansas City, MO.
Author: Radical Recovery: Transforming the Despair of Your Divorce Into an Unexpected Good
Host of www.MidlifeDivorceRecovery.com
Speaker, Director of Midlife Divorce Recovery Boot Camps
Founder of R.A.D.I.C.A.L. Women: Women who are (R)ising (A)bove (D)ivorce (I)n (C)onfidence (A)nd (L)ove

816-941-4911
suzysuccess@kc.rr.com

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