Then it turns out that she spends the night with the girlfriend who still remained single because there is no other solution. They either go to conquer into the night, or may go to the movies, but whatever the program may be the end is always the same, it is guaranteed that next morning she wakes up alone in bed…
In fact, it is natural that we don’t want to be alone and also that always those things hurt most in life, which are missing. If we don’t have a job that causes the pain, if we are sick we pray to recover as soon as possible, if there is a broken pipe and we have no running water for three days, we pray for not having to take a shower again at our friend’s in another district, if there is no love in our lives, the passion and the lack of the feeling of belonging to someone troubles our soul. It is useful to see that not only singles have problems, isn’t it…???

But still this lack is the most painful of all… What is the mystery of love that keeps us all detained, and without which life seems so mechanical and lifeless? And how is it possible that life immediately becomes rose scented, a rainbow appears in the sky and the warm feeling in our hearts helps to endure the unbearable, to survive the unsurvivable?
Frankly, I don’t have the faintest idea. Since people existed they have been trying to put their thoughts into words about the feeling, in vain…

Sometimes I’m pondering about how much is missed during such a miserable, pathetic state, when we’re moody, aimless, bored and don’t care about anything… I mean, how many possibilities!
How many possibilities to acquire a better education, to earn more money, to build up a nice career, to find ourselves in a good hobby, to achieve excellent results in your favorite sport, to everything that suddenly will be missed when the One enters our life. When we have to show him that what more is in us apart from that Crazy flame… Because, for sure, if beyond our wonderful devotion we cannot present anything else but our fluttering eyelids and puckered mouth, it is almost certain that we’ll be able to stand our ground in love only as much as in other fields of life before… I’m not saying that the magic of puckering cannot last for a while, but in absence of real content, there is no real chance of establishing a long lasting, harmonious relationship. Because if passion has cooled down a bit what are you going to talk about? It is impossible to converse about our non-existent career, hobby, favorite books…

I know that at the time of heartache it is difficult to concentrate on receiving further education in order to rely on more than one opportunities, learning at least one foreign language so that we can speak in the world, or achieving tiny results in any kind of sports (just for the sake of our own amusement) in order to be able to present a little success for ourselves, from which we can feed our self-confidence and self-esteem. And of course, it makes a difference how we introduce ourselves to the love of our lives…

I can not repress the philosopher of religions in myself! For a little note, I must share the thoughts of my favorite philosopher, Hegel, with the dear readership. He maintained that the person who has a strong aim in life, who can stick to one’s aim throughout a lifetime and is able to fight for it, this person will be less worn out by the games of emotions. Personally, I agree with him. You can not live only for love. We need real goals in life that make us nobler, more human, more valuable.

Always Muhammad Ali comes to my mind as the person who realized the above idea. He was preparing for one of the most important matches of his life in Africa, when one of his many wives threw the door open, almost breaking it, and hysterically attacked him: Ali! What about us? Everyone is talking about your affairs, I don’t know what to think about our marriage. Tell me, tell me what you want?! Ali looked up with shining eyes and all he replied was: I wanna be a world champion…

One of the characteristics I cannot stand in divorced people half of divorced people (half because the other half quickly get over it, ie…Dumpee vs Dumper) is the compulsive need to hold on and not move forward. I am not saying that they cling to the marriage or the ex (though some do and boy is that fun) but instead of getting over it, it is almost like they would rather stay wallowing in their pity and misery than move on and embrace their future (a future that does not include a focus on their divorce). And quite honestly I find these people pathetic.

Some of the “can’t get over it” types swear up and down they have moved on yet their actions CLEARLY state the opposite. Now I will give some the benefit of the doubt and say that it is possible they are so caught up in their nonsense that they can’t see the forest for the trees. But really someone should point it out to them.

So here is me pointing it out……

If there is any part of your life that still focuses on the woe is me, the ex did this to me (because you can’t take any responsibility for the problems that were are taking place even though it takes two to get married and two to get a divorce), or discussion about your divorce/ex is still taking place on a regular basis, you are NOT over it. And while I like to joke and the rest of this post will focus on the ridiculousness of those who won’t get over it (and the products that encourage them), in all seriousness if you are one of these people, you really should consider getting help. I am not an advocate for counseling (I’ll explain that another day) but I do believe that if you cannot let go and get over your divorce and more importantly move forward without focusing on the past (a future focusing on your past is not moving forward), you have a problem and it needs to be addressed for the betterment of yourself as well as your friends and family and most importantly children, if you have them. Your focus on the negative is only going to hurt people no matter which way you look at it.

As I like to say to my children–”it takes much more energy to be mean, angry and bitter than it does to just be happy.”

Back to the point –

As most mornings go, last Monday I sat drinking my coffee, smiling at my goofy husband while he chuckled his way throughFark. Although he knows I am listening to him and slightly curious as to what is entertaining him, he also knows that some of the topics he finds amusing are not worth mentioning to me because I will find them ridiculous. But it wasn’t long before he came across an article that he just couldn’t help but roll his eyes and say,”take a look at this craziness.”

Now with that comment he could have shown me any number of articles. It could have been some Florida-tagged article where just about anything happens or it could have been an article that seems relatively normal but people have added their commentary and turned it into comedy. Instead here is what I saw — “Ten Bizarre Divorce Products.”

My first reaction was one of wonder and curiosity. But after reading the aforementioned article let me say that these products are beyond bizarre — this article would be better titled “Ten Products for the Sociopathic, Can’t Get Over Your Divorce Type Person.” Seriously, no one in their right mind would go looking for items like these or even consider purchasing them, though apparently there are people out there that do, which is really why I am writing today. Again, we all need a laugh but these products or for the purely pathetic.

Let’s go one-by-one down this list of gifts and I will explain how ridiculous this is and more on why people seriously need to get over it.

A wedding ring coffin - yep, it is exactly like it sounds. A small little jewelry box made in the shape of a coffin with a slot for your wedding ring to rest. To add to the craziness, you can have a headstone-type plate attached that displays a personal message like “RIP” or “I DO NOT ” and the most disturbingly, “I can’t live without you” Seriously, who would put this on their dresser? Is there any good reason to display a ring from a past that is over and ultimately that “symbol” of your love is now what, on display as a symbol of “I can’t let go”?

Personally, my old ring is in a box somewhere with my husbands old ring (not really sure exactly) just waiting to be tossed. I frankly don’t have the time or energy to spend looking for it. And if I were a scorned woman, do you think I would let anyone know that I was still stuck on the past or that I was not doing just great on my own — no way.

Divorce gift registry - Apparently there are now stores that, in addition to wedding and baby registries, now offer a “divorce registry.” Did your ex get the coffee pot (like if you are a coffee drinker you would wait for someone to buy you this as a gift) or maybe he got the dishes (because you could not stand to look at the dishes you were given on your wedding day), so quick–run out and register for gifts. I am not sure which is more disturbing with this idea: the fact that you would expect people to buy you gifts just because you are divorced or the event you would host in order to be given these gifts. Excuse me while I log into my e-vite account and invite all of my friends and family to my Divorce party.

As a woman who has gone through a divorce I can say that is insane and on the flip side of it, if I were invited to such an event or expected to buy a gift for a person going through this, I would probably send them a card with a referral to see a psychiatrist. It is not like you are attending a wine party with your bff and she spends the evening announcing to all the single men that you have ditched that old hubby and now are free to see whomever (thanks Ang ). Instead this is a “woe is me” party. Don’t you feel so bad for me that you have to bring me gifts. PATHETIC!!!!!

Divorce Cake - Ok so I was going to go on and on about how you spend so much time tasting and choosing the perfect wedding cake (unless your mother-in-law does it for you and picks what she likes, ugh, another great reason to be divorced) that of course you should spend time picking out the perfect divorce cake (again for that great event you plan where you get gifts as well.) But then I thought I must have a picture for everyone who is curious what a divorce cake looks like — that was when the real repulsion started.

I googled divorce cakes and there must have been thousands of pictures. But they were not what I had imagined. I pictured a girly cake with symbols of freedom and all of the things that men typically don’t like. These — well I will let the pictures below speak for themselves.

All that I am going to point out is that it is obvious that 1) women are the consumers of this product and 2) there is some serious bitterness and rage going on that these women need to get over. I would be ashamed to purchase a cake like one of these.

A detachable playhouse - You read that one right. Apparently you can by a toy detachable home for your children to play with. They can either attach it and play house as one big happy family or they can break it apart and play with two separate homes. I can imagine this is a good tool for a counselor or psychiatrist wanting to establish how a child is feeling and better understand him or her through play. But to buy this for your child and make them feel even more disturbed over the change? Why on earth would you do that to your child? Wouldn’t it be better to encourage them and strengthen them into being ok with their new situation? Shouldn’t you be the parent and want to make the best out of the change and point out all of the good, no matter how torn apart you may feel.

Even at the worst moments after my divorce when things were beyond crazy and downright scary, I always protected my children and put on a show of excitement and joy for them with all of the “great” things they were going to do or get in their other “new” home. I never would have let them feel like we were this divided home that was “broken.”

Can you imagine how unsettling this toy could be for a child?

Divorce Ring - So there are probably some women out there that live by the status symbol they believe their wedding ring gives them — I on the other hand, do not. Not that I do not cherish and love the perfect ring that my current husband spent so much time picking out and making perfect for me, but I do not need a ring to tell me I am married or to tell other people. I think it is pretty clear when you see me with my husband that I am the one he loves and he is the one I love.

But for some I suppose I can see the importance that ring has to you. So a divorce ring, well I guess if you need a ring on your finger to feel good about yourself then go buy yourself a beautiful, look-at-the-new-me ring. Again, if you are going to get any object (like a “divorce ring”) that focuses on the divorce and a past that is no longer, there is an issue. And sadly I am pretty sure the market for this kind of ring is just that–a broken-hearted woe is me.

My advice — let it go and do something for the new (moving on) you.

Divorce Photo Album - Like the divorce ring, if you are ready to clear out the pictures and create new memories, go for it. But seriously, buy a pretty new album–not an album entitled “Divorce Album.” If you were to display that on your coffee table, people are going to think you are a bit creepy and strange.

Divorce Music Album - These people are really stretching now. I think some people will come up with anything and everything to focus on the bad. I know that when you are going through a divorce you have no desire to listen to love songs but really, do you need to go out and buy an album that is designated for divorces’?

Divorce App – I’m an Apple girl and I love my apps, however this is one I never would have considered buying. The one listed on the original article is kinda a how-to and an answer your questions kind of app. Ok I get that. We all have questions and concerns and seek advice and information when we are going through divorce so an app makes sense in this case. I guess there really is an app for everything. By far this is the only item on the list that is not all that pathetic–unless you are past the divorce process and still using the app on a regular basis, that would make it pitiful.

Divorce Survival Kit Kitchen Utensil - This one freaks me out. See the picture at the beginning of this post–if there were a female version of this and a potential girlfriend came into a guy’s house with knifes sticking out of a female figure, don’t you think she would be running for the door screaming what a freak he is. So why is ok for a woman to have one with a male figure. Just as creepy, as far as I am concerned.

No matter how angry you are or upset, when is it ever ok to joke about stabbing another human being? It isn’t.

Is it just me or do you notice the theme with these products….they are almost always for women who obviously did nothing wrong and have no blame for the divorce (take note of the serious sarcasm)…..yah right. Does it make you wonder about women and their inability to get over things? Or maybe wonder, why are there not products like this for men?

Maybe it is because men are not this desperate and self-loathing after a divorce. Maybe it is there egos that just won’t let them sink to these kinds of lows.

Take a cue ladies, because these items are not cute and inspiring. In fact, bizarre is definitely a great descriptive word of these products but also clearly describes those individuals who would partake in these products. Only people who can’t get over their divorce and who want to keep the focus on the negative rather than moving forward and embracing their future would consume these items or any other product that focuses on divorce. It is not like they are buying a self-help book and trying to move forward.

What’s the moral? GET OVER IT!!!!!!

And then a seemingly never-ending process begins! In bookstores and on the Internet dozens of books, magazines, self-help courses advertise the solution, try to seduce us as the Sirens did with Odysseus. You are either ready for the changes or not. Experience shows that we are unable to let the other go, cannot embrace the idea that this is over, now we have to be happy alone. Since this kind of happiness requires active work on our part, we usually don’t feel like accepting this solution…

We rather snivel on the shoulders of our favourite girlfriends because we want to tell someone that the pain is unbearable, that the loss is irreplaceable, that our heart’s been hurt so bad that it’s never going to be healed, that life is never going to be the same as it used to be.
And then on a wine-smelling, series-addict evening new promising solutions pop up on the Internet! The oracle! Who shows you your future, path, direction and opens up new opportunities and promises everything good…

We make an appointment, we go there, we have our fortune told and we are waiting for someone who sorts out our future. Tall, blond man with one black shoe, two days later in the elevator! The answer is really promising… Just to make sure, we visit another oracle to prove the truth of the previous one to ourselves. Magic ball, a black cat – a tall, brown man in the park a week later. Truth reveals itself! Positive prospects, major developments in future.

That’s not enough, since it is actually a good astrologer who knows the truth! We attend to it, search for it, try to make out the exact date from the starry sky, in order to walk home with the possibly most accurate predictions in our bag. The celestials blessed us with amazing formula! Future promises plenty of opportunities for this and that, good job, travelling, love, everything is possible because our own destiny is in our hands! It is difficult to digest! Whatever I do tomorrow that’s how it is going to be… If I enjoy the sunshine, I’ll be happy, if I am constantly thinking about passing love, I’ll be unhappy… It all depends on me! But who can live with so much responsibility?

In the evening we nestle ourselves into our favourite armchair, stare at the TV screen, and don’t get it why nobody is able to understand that we are lost, incapable of decisions and actions, our broken heart cannot be held together even by the world’s strongest superglue. Maybe I should wait because time solves everything. Or destroys? You can seek for scientific solutions, might wander on religious ways, can meditate all day long, anything might come that offers momentary solution, may promise reconciliation in the sea of sorrow …

Personally, I believe my astrologer! I believe that my destiny is really in my hands. It is not simply hard but brutally hard to wake up with the weight of this responsibility every day and to go through the day.

Being a Buddhist, I meditate regularly – for my own happiness. It helps me to see, life is full of happiness, even if I’m unable to see this all the time. It helps me to feel for a moment (!!!) that the world is perfect, the flow of continuous change in it is the natural order of life, helps to see myself with the eyes of an ‘outside observer’ and not to spend my life in the prison of my obsessions, but to try to discover the uniqueness and the inherent endless possibilities and creativity in every moment.
We might lie to everyone, especially to ourselves, might lie that we aren’t afraid. But fear is going to grow constantly inside us. The fear that this miracle of love will never find us again. That He was the last man in our lives, who we honestly and truly loved, with whom we devised our future. That it was the last time that our hearts beat so much for someone.

Then suddenly, maybe not such a long time later, when we’d given up our desires, we’d actually believed that He does not return to us, when we’d got used to our changed days, which has become our everyday life, our fears come to the surface again. Those fears, which will be even more realistic than the previous ones. Which whisper that when we are in a hurry and don’t expect it, when we’ve given up, don’t wait for it, don’t plan it – step out to the street without make-up, with matted hair and someone comes towards us who revives the feeling and the magic happens again! We fall in love…

Let’s start with the SEEMINGLY most humiliating situation: if he left us for another woman. The most important thing to know about this particular situation is that it didn’t happen because we’re not good enough or pretty enough, or anything! Quite simply we have to digest, however hard it might be, that the story is not about us, we aren’t event participants of the events. The possible greatest mistake is to think that we were left behind because we were incapable of coping with a relationship. It simply happens so because, on the one hand that’s life – imagine if your previous relationships hadn’t come to an end and you should still be with the same guy as five or ten years ago – few better tragedies could happen to us.

Or because we outgrew the framework of the relationship, we need new people, new experiences – but unfortunately human nature tends to be reluctant to change well-established things and we rather sit in a bad relationship than voluntarily accept singe-life.

Or quite simply we don’t gain anything from our relationship anymore and the other person is willing to take up the role of the form-breaking, ungrateful relationship-breaker, who files for divorce.

A break-up can be about a lot of things, however certainly NOT about one thing, our incapability!

If our partner falls in love with another woman, he expresses it to the least extent that there is something wrong with us, since we are not even part of this story. In this case, the man, as a sentimental human being falls in love with someone, just as he did some time before with us…

In reverse positions, the whole situation doesn’t look so bad, does it? If you think about it, when you fell in love with somebody else, honestly, innocently, you can see that your current partner couldn’t do anything about that, we saw someone whose smell, intimacy and smile was irresistible. He had nothing to do with the story; it was about us and our new love. It wasn’t he who changed, but we, WE fell in love! This was completely independent from our current partner, since nobody is vaccinated against love, neither he, nor we! Life is about change, about our internal changes, about the never-ending cycles of the world that surrounds us, as they say: we have our ups and downs… What could be more real? It is an inherent nature of a healthy and authentic life that we cannot be constantly at the top, cannot always succeed in everything as we planned, and that we are able to accept changes and adapt to them.

Becoming single is one of the most dynamic and exciting points of a relationship. Because at that moment we have ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES to choose who we fall in love with – in contrast to the situation when we live in a relationship or a marriage, where our love “object” is kind of given. The only problem is – as my Buddhist philosopher of religions-self would say – that in this situation, experienced as a crisis, we only see one thing that the relationship has ended. According to Buddha, our conscious is space-like, that is to say infinite; and infinity provides us with infinite creativity and possibilities every moment. Provided we are able to look away from the fact that suddenly we became single or divorced and what a terrible thing it is, and let the rest of the world reveal itself for us, and we discover how incredibly lucky we are.

I don’t deny that on my part I mostly considered all of my break-ups as the end of the world. I cried out my eyes, tired my best girlfriends to death with the most beautiful moments of my passing-away love (which I had had told them million times before), stuffed myself with cakes (here we go, not only the end of the world, but I even put on few pounds on the top of the crisis), or I could not eat a bite and scared everybody with the external and internal signs of exhaustion… So I did many things that I neither enjoyed, nor did it take me forward, nor resolved my situation and above all did not promise better prospects…

Then, in the next situation, where for some reason, I forgot about the spiritual torture and self-pity, that I’ve obligatorily prescribed for myself, I was able to see how many things exist in the world apart from my GREAT and UNSOLVABLE problem!

Suddenly I began to wonder what to do with so much free time and empty space that was generated in my life. Of course, first of all I thoroughly mourned the programs, which had formed an integral part of my life. But then I realized that there are a lot of things to do, a lot of things I’ve neglected in the past because the relationship used up all of my time, energy, attention. And it was time to give all of these to someone who deserves them the most: myself!

Agatha Seymour is working as a writer, journalist though holds a Master’s Degree in Philosophy of Religion while she is interested in everything that is connected to people, relationships. The writer is currently working on her fourth book and you might meet her as a journalist of several online magazines around Europe. She is writing on the theme of marriage crises and relationship problems.

Her blog can be found at agathaseymour.blogspot.com

and her website at agathaseymour.com.

Her kindle format book, entitled Till Life Do Us Part, has recently been published on amazon.com. The book explores the theme of why men leave women, why women become boring for them, why comes a new, even younger woman, with whom the adored love lives through again the same passionate moments. As a practicing wife, she is looking for and finds the answer in her book in a diary-like form.

With four kids all in school and all in extracurricular activities and sports, not to mention a husband whose job takes him out of town on most fall weekends, I barely have time to breathe let alone cook a nice dinner for my family. And even if I did have the time to cook, we would all be eating at different times and who wants a cold dinner they have to reheat.

The solution…my Crock-Pot. Seriously, my Crock-Pot becomes part of my morning routine. Almost every meal I cook during fall weekdays includes it.

I am constantly looking for new recipes for my Crock-Pot, however, I do have several family favorites that I will share with you.

Today’s recipe–Pizza Pasta–one of the kids’ favorites!!!!

Ingredients:

• 1 pound lean ground meat, browned and drained
• 3 ounces pepperoni, sliced
• 1 can cream of mushroom soup, undiluted
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 12 ounces shredded parmesan cheese
• 8 ounces rigatoni pasta, cooked for 5 minutes and drained
• 14 ounces spaghetti sauce
• optional items: mushrooms chopped, olives chopped, other items you enjoy on pepperoni pizza (my family adds mushrooms)

Directions:

Mix ground beef, onion and spaghetti sauce together in bowl or skillet that was used to brown the meat. In the slow cooker, layer in order: half of meat mixture, half of cooked pasta, half of the can of soup, half of the cheese, half of the pepperoni slices and half of any other additional items you have prepared. Repeat layers.

Cook on low heat for 4 hours and serve with your favorite salad.

Author Bio: Carrie Dahle has spent her life doing the right thing, rather than pursuing her dreams. That is until now. Four years ago, she threw caution to the wind, divorced her then husband of ten years, and began reaching for the stars. She began writing professionally, and has been published numerous times. She is the founder and creator or Day to Day Woman and hopes that her experiences in life will inspire others

Because there are no reporting requirements by fertility clinics and sperm banks or any identifiers on birth certificates to calculate the number of children who are the product of home-based artificial inseminations, there are no clear statistics on the annual total of children born via sperm and egg donation (or a combination of the two) in the United States.

Commentators estimate the number of people using alternative reproductive technology (ART) to be as low as 5,000 to as high as 60,000 annually. My guess is that the number is at the higher end, if not significantly more, based on the demand for sperm and egg donation, the leaps in science allowing for more successful assisted reproduction rates, infertility issues caused by a delay in starting families (10 to 15 percent of married couples have fertility problems), and the large number of medical and legal entities offering services to facilitate non-traditional means of family planning. And you know something is on the increase when it becomes a huge Hollywood fad — think “Baby Mama,” “The Switch,” “The Back Up Plan,” and “The Kids Are Alright.” (full disclosure — I have an ART child).

One would think given this increase that there would be legal uniformity as to parental and financial rights and responsibilities. In fact, state legislatures have mostly punted this hot-button issue, declining to readdress the definition of parentage in recent years and instead allowing their judicial systems to render inconsistent verdicts. However, some scholars have begun to take note. For example, in March 2011, the American University Washington College of Law is hosting a conference entitled “The New Illegitimacy: Revisiting Why Parentage Should Not Depend On Marriage.”

The inconsistencies create an enormous amount of uncertainty ranging from inheritance rights to child support and visitation. Additionally, there has been an increase in the questionable practice of commercially contracting with foreign surrogate mothers in countries such as India. And what if, for example, a family undergoes alternative family planning in one state but then seeks dissolution of their marriage or union in another that has conflicting definitions of parentage?

And just because one State supports one non-traditional parentage does not necessarily mean that it tolerates another. For example, in Washington, D.C., surrogacy is a felony. On the flip side, in 2010, it became the first jurisdiction to confer the status of legal parent on both lesbian mothers who plan a child using donor insemination, rendering second parent adoption unnecessary.

Some States even have conflicting rules relative to egg and sperm donation because some define genetic mothers as the legal mother but deem a married man the parent of a child conceived from an anonymous sperm donor. In other words, under this scenario, if a married couple used a donor egg and a donor sperm using a surrogate, then the anonymous woman who provided the donor egg is considered the legal mother, but the husband is considered the legal father.

Is your head spinning yet?

A sample of notable state laws and judicial rulings in the past few years reflect how unsettled, inconsistent and controversial the question of parentage is:

In Pennsylvania, the trial and appellate courts initially forced a sperm donor to pay child support even though the mother was married to someone else at the time of insemination, and he had a contract that was supposed to relieve him of child support obligations. The State’s highest court overturned the ruling, stating that the decision in line with the lower courts would undermine the legal status of sperm donors, including anonymous donors at sperm banks, and would force women to seek sperm via sperm banks rather than from men in their acquaintanceship that they admire.

In Michigan, a married couple with fertility issues contracted with a surrogate mother, who had acted as a surrogate for three other children previously for other women. The resultant twins were produced by fertilizing an egg and a sperm from anonymous donors, so no party shared any DNA with the children. Upon hearing that the wife had a psychological disorder, the surrogate decided to object to legal transfer at the required guardianship hearing. The court sided with the surrogate because Michigan strongly opposes surrogacy contracts and, in fact, deems such contracts as a crime punishable by up to five years in prison as well as fines.

In California, as well as some other states, if a person or couple is assisted by a licensed medical professional (even if the insemination is done at home), then the sperm donor automatically loses all claim to the child, and if the mother is married, the husband automatically becomes the legal father (assuming he and the mother sign a consent form to that end).  But if you do not meet the above criteria, then the donor may assert claims.

To the contrary, in Florida, the distinction as to where insemination occurs is irrelevant — donors waive parental rights and responsibilities. Florida also permits surrogate agreements. But before you believe that Florida is at the forefront of tolerance on this matter, note that it does not allow same-sex adoptions.

Now, contrast that with New York, where contracts regarding sperm donation between a couple and a known sperm donor are generally unenforceable, and the court will only look at the best interests of the child in determining the rights and duties of the donor as opposed to the parties’ intent.  More recently, although the state’s highest court granted “legal parent” status to a non-biological mother to a child born after the couple had entered into a civil union in Vermont, the ruling does not extend to same-sex couples who fail to enter into such unions or same-sex marriage, both of which are unavailable in New York. However, New York’s decision to honor Vermont’s laws does not mean that other States will do so. Yet unlike Florida, New York allows second parent adoptions.

In Indiana, the Court of Appeals reversed a trial court’s ruling that the legal mother of a child was a non-related surrogate. In that case, a married couple enlisted the wife’s sister to carry her child as a gestational surrogate. The court remanded the case back to the trial court with instructions to conduct an evidentiary hearing to determine motherhood based on biological, not gestational relationship. Unlike Michigan, the fact that Indiana law does not recognize the validity of surrogacy agreements was basically ignored.

Additionally, many cases differentiate between anonymous and known donors. But further muddying the waters is the fact that since 2005, many sperm banks offer “ID consent” donors, who have agreed to have their identities released to any resultant offspring when they reach maturity. Banks that handle egg donors have not yet done so, but given the trends one can foresee that possibility. Adding yet another wrinkle is the fact that Donor Sibling Registries are now available — think about how, for example, that might affect sibling rights to inheritances. Given the existing legal confusion, one can easily imagine future litigation on these points as well without uniform guidance.

The Uniform Parentage Act, last revised in 2002, is a model statute that was created by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws to serve as a guide for drafting family legislation. It recognizes that as many as five adults can be involved in the production of a single child, and adopted a functional family definition as opposed to one dominated by genetics. With regard to assisted conception, it encourages that States:

Authorize gestational surrogacy agreements as valid contracts requiring court approval similar to adoptions.

No longer require that at least one of a child’s intended parents be genetically related.

Recognize that egg and sperm donors are not the legal parents of a child under any circumstances.

Unfortunately, only nine states have adopted versions of the 2002 Act, and for those who did, half have limited the parental rights to opposite sex married couples or declined to include the provisions related to surrogacy. Likewise, the Act does not acknowledge same sex couples, instead defining parents as a “man and woman.”

My opinion? Whether you like it or not, families created through alternative reproductive methods are on the rise. States must acknowledge this trend and instead of seeking to prevent their use should enact the following legislation:

Establish a method to report the offspring produced as a result of ART;

Uniformly deem enforceable contracts between known sperm and egg donors and recipients and provide guidelines regarding drafting of same;

Uniformly deem enforceable surrogacy contracts and establish guidelines for judicial approval;

Create guidelines and clarify parental and sibling legal rights relative to ID Consent donors and Sibling Registries; and

Adopt a version of the 2002 Uniform Parentage Act that includes a broader definition of parentage to include same sex couples.

*Previously published on The Huffington Post.

Then – 3/2/2004

“Journal question – Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior?

I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  I need to keep repeating the 3 C’s to myself:

I didn’t cause it

I can’t control it

I can’t cure it

Journal question – How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I think I still have a hard time removing myself from the equation.  It’s hard to stop wondering why he’s in the mood he’s in and if it has to do with me;  stop worrying about how he’s behaving and look at myself to see how I’m behaving.  Am I being true to myself?  Am I letting someone else affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings?  It doesn’t mean that I do not have compassion for anyone; it should mean that I have no control over the good or bad that is going on with them.”

Now – 5/22/2011

It’s amazing how the universe sends you a message through various people and each time you ignore the message, someone else shows up to repeat it.  People had mentioned that I should go to Al-Anon and my answer was “He should be going to meetings, not me.  I don’t have a problem other than his problem.”  So I fought the idea, assumed that I was smart enough to figure this all out on my own and ignored every suggestion.  Then my therapist mentioned Al-Anon and my mother and a friend and……so eventually I went to my first meeting to shut everyone up.  7 years later I can say that the program saved my life.

Answering those questions in my journal was the beginning of learning to keep the focus on myself, the end of my role as a victim and the end of my belief that I could handle everything on my own.  If I was answering a question about what I believed or thought or felt, I wasn’t totally focused on him….ah ha!

I was slowly admitting to myself that my life had become unmanageable and I was willing to take a look at what worked for other people in similar situations.

Next week – Is it really a disease?

In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

“People are born for different tasks, but in order to survive everyone requires the same nourishment: inner peace.”  (Sri Sathya Sai Baba)

Some avenues to inner peace include:

• Noticing your breath
• Meditating
• Walks in nature
• Quieting the mind
• Forgiving others and self
• Being gentle on yourself

and many more not listed here.

What exactly is inner peace?  (I’m sure some of you are asking that question.)  Well it’s the feeling of serenity no matter what’s going on in your life; the feeling that you are okay and all is well, even when circumstances appear otherwise.  Inner peace is creating your own internal climate (which you determine), in spite of whatever situation you find yourself in.

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead:  his eyes are closed.”

And indeed there is a mystery to inner peace, and finding it requires you to open your eyes fully.  For how is it that some find it and can live from that space, while others struggle to even experience it for short periods of time?

Much like any skill that we can develop, some people are born with a greater aptitude for finding and living in peace, while others have to work a bit more at it (just like some are more naturally skilled singers or musicians).  But that doesn’t mean you can’t live in peace.

For just as everyone can play a musical instrument if they practice enough, so too can everyone find inner peace.  You must make it a priority though and place your attention on it (just like anything else worth doing or having or being).

There are as many roads to inner peace as there are individuals seeking it.  And no one road will serve everyone.  So don’t worry if you know someone who found it through meditation, and you can’t meditate for five minutes without falling asleep!  That just means you can cross off meditation as your path…

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace.  You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”  Which is great news!  There’s no need to spend a ton of money or take expensive retreats (unless of course you wish to), for inner peace is accessible to you from the comfort of your own home.

More than anything else, inner peace comes from a shift in your mindset, your perspective, your inner dialogue.  Jack Kornfield asked, “What would we have to hold in compassion to be at peace right now?  What would we have to let go of to be at peace right now?”

And it really does come down to how you choose to view and interpret the world around you.  If you were able to see everything through the eyes of compassion, and not be attached to things occurring a certain way, you would know peace.  If you could live from a state of complete gratitude (even being thankful for things that “go wrong”), you would know peace.

But rather than seeing it as an “all or nothing” deal, why not aim for more inner peace today than you had yesterday?  So perhaps your desire is to experience inner peace more frequently, or to stay in that space a bit longer each time you get there.  Make your journey fun and enjoyable, and notice the changes you’re making along the way.

Think of yourself as living within a snow globe (you know the kind you turn upside down and it snows inside?) — and you are in charge of your internal climate within your snow globe.  What will your climate be — peaceful or chaotic?  You get to choose, day in and day out, hour after hour — the choice is yours to make.

Let me know what you choose…

About EliseOnLife

Elise Fee is a Consulting Hypnotist and a Life Mentor — her business “EliseOnLife” helps clients get a new lease on life. Elise’s many varied life experiences have taught her broader, more expansive ways to view and experience the world and humanity.  She works with clients all over the world, locally in one-on-one sessions or via Skype (audio and/or video) or telephone.  If you are interested in contacting Elise for a personal session, post a comment and she’ll contact you directly.  If you’d like to subscribe to her free daily blog, go to www.EliseOnLife.com