Tailor Summer Vacation to Meet Your Children’s Needs

Hello Summer: Summertime is here, and with it comes unique hurdles and real opportunities for families of divorce. Parents who are early on in the divorce process need to think carefully about their plans and tailor them for their children. What we want is fun for all.

The first summer after a separation is challenging for all involved–especially the children. As the season opens, and school schedules change, kids are often left with more downtime to spend with their respective parents. Vacations pose an additional need for adjustments for you, your estranged spouse, and your children. In keeping with the mantra of The Intelligent Divorce: your children must always come first. Make sure that they don’t get stuck, yet again, right in the middle of their parent’s issues.

Let’s start with the positive:

Vacation is meant to be a time for bonding and fun. For the non-custodial parent, it is a time to strengthen the parent-child bond, to connect in a deep way, and to make new and wonderful memories.

For the custodial parent, vacation is a time when you don’t have to check homework and you can be more relaxed and flexible on bedtime. It gives you a chance to enjoy your kids with less worry and fuss.

Timing:

When planning a vacation, it is important to consider how much time has passed since the divorce. If recent, then a vacation–even just a week or two–is a long time for kids to be away from their other parent. Be prepared to manage your children’s homesickness and/or separation anxiety, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent.

Decide in advance when and how often your children can touch base with their mom or dad. If you are the parent of youngsters, you may need to be extra sensitive. A two-week vacation may be too much for your six-year-old, if up until this point she has not been away from her mother for more than three days. Do not feel rejected; your children are moving through the stages of grief at their own speed.

Location:

We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back to certain places again and again. Forewarned is forearmed: traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids when the family was intact, which will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce.

I advise you start fresh with an unvisited place, one where new memories can be made, and old, fond memories needn’t risk being tainted.

Preparation:

There are several things you can do to make the family vacation more stress-free, most of which center around the important idea of effective communication with your ex. Make it a point to arrange your children’s schedule together with your ex, in order to avoid unpleasant surprises and fights over your kids’ time.

Co-planning will lessen the awkward and unnecessary issue of one parent inadvertently (or otherwise) scheduling a vacation that interferes with a child’s routine. This includes the end or beginning of the school year, other summer activities, or an important time for the ex-spouses, like Mom’s birthday or Father’s Day.

Above all else, remember: vacation is not a competition with your ex to see who is the ‘better’ parent. It’s a good idea to plan fun activities with your children, but don’t over-do it. Your vacation should be a chance for you and your kids to enjoy quality time together.

Introducing your “new friend”:

Have you ever seen The Parent Trap (or any number of other movies) where the divorced parent brings a new girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation, against the wishes of his or her kids? In the movies, it is a plot device introduced to wreak havoc and chaos–which it almost certainly will in real life, too.

Avoid making this common mistake by resisting the temptation to bring along your new flame. Especially after a recent divorce, your kids will not be ready. They may well resent the fact that this ‘new person’ is coming on the family vacation.

Don’t put them in a position where they may feel disloyal to their other parent, or where they feel forced into the acceptance of the finality of their parent’s divorce before they are organically ready. You need to wait until some time has passed. I recommend one calendar year at minimum.

We know the summer months and family vacations can be stressful times, but they can also be fun times, the backdrop for new memories and new family traditions.

© mark banschick

Mark R. Banschick, M.D. is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology with over 20 years of experience in child and adolescent psychiatry. The Intelligent Divorce course evolved from his work as an expert witness in custody disputes. Dr. Banschick has appeared on the CBS Early Show and has been quoted in The New York Times, The Huffington Post and firstwivesworld.com.

Dr. Mark Banschick’s book, The Intelligent Divorce is a powerful and inspirational self guided resource that will change your life and the lives of your children. Order your copy today!

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Traveling alone for the first time?

As if divorce didn’t carry enough changes to get used to, there’s the sticky issue of finding yourself a single woman faced with the prospect of travel. On your own.

Maybe you traveled alone before you were married, but it’s been years. Maybe you still travel alone on business, and you’re used to that. You have clients to see, meetings to attend, colleagues to have a drink with.

But vacation? Or a road trip with your children? Is this just one more mountainous obstacle to adjust to – with trepidation and uncertainty?

Overseas travel adventures

I’m fortunate in that I have traveled to Europe, Eastern Europe, the Caribbean, and all over the US since I was quite young. And on my own. Some of that travel was entirely related to my interest in foreign languages, and living experiences abroad (in France), and subsequently, study and work assignments that took me not only to Paris, but to the UK, Holland, Belgium, and Switzerland.

As for the islands and many more trips to both the City of Lights and the South of France? Those were for pleasure and vacation, and before I ever married. Most of the time I made those excursions on my own. When I could, I made plans with a girlfriend. What 20-something or 30-something doesn’t prefer her BFF for wild adventures on a pink beach in Bermuda, or umbrella-decorated cocktails beside a tropical beach?

Whether with a friend or alone, I wasn’t about to not see the world because I wasn’t part of a couple. Nor was I willing to go without a much needed break in a harried and stressful professional life, even if a friend couldn’t schedule time off to join in the fun.

Vacationing in the islands alone

I took many vacations on my own. I am, admittedly, outgoing. And I was  (when I was younger) utterly fearless about hopping on a plane for the next island or country to explore – preferably French speaking!

I knew to consider basic safety rules – always:

• Don’t go off with strangers
• Use a reputable hotel (with concierge, preferably)
• Leave valuables at home
• No off-the-beaten-path wandering by myself
• Listen to my gut – always.

I have memorable scenes of Florida, Guadeloupe, Jamaica, and many other delicious destination spots where I relaxed, read, walked, ate well, swam, met wonderful people (couples and singles), and generally had a grand time. If I had been unwilling to explore the world on my own – I would never have seen it!

Women traveling alone

My ex and I didn’t do much vacationing. There were trips to Europe to see his family (with the kids in tow), and not much more than that. While I still traveled on my own for business, those trips, once I had children, became very few and far between.

As for vacations since my divorce?

Budget has been a considerable constraint, and of course – so has parenting. I’ve had my children with me about 95% of the time for the past 9 years. Family vacations (with me) have been impossible. Solo vacations as well.

Still, there has been the occasional long weekend to a far-off American city for museum-hopping and a little socializing. And fortunately, there have been opportunities when my boys weren’t home and I’ve had a chance to travel to Paris and the South of France, either to write, or for a few days break.

Hop overseas just for a few days? Yes, I’ve done it, just as I did in my 20s.

Tips for women traveling alone

I admit I’m a relatively seasoned traveler. I also admit I find traveling more challenging as I get older. I have to turn to my overseas packing tips – and it takes me longer to manage than it used to! There are also aches and pains I didn’t have in my 20s and 30s, so long flights are more uncomfortable.

And fear? Fear of the unknown? Knowing that you have to be responsible for yourself, and every other detail? Isn’t that part of adulthood? Isn’t that a fair price for adventure, for relaxation, for seeing a new city and possibly making new friends?

Again, I keep basic safety rules in mind.

• I plan ahead with reliable airlines and hotels.
• When I’ve been happy with a hotel, I return.
• When I’ve rented a flat overseas, I triple check the references.
• I always stay in safe neighborhoods.
• Again – valuables stay at home!
• I stay cautiously open to any encounters with new people.
• I anticipate inconveniences (and bring extra undies, prescriptions, and so on).

Special travel scenarios for women

In the coming months, I need to make at least one road trip with my teenage son. He is not a fully licensed driver as yet. Nor is he vehicle savvy – and I’m certainly not. That sort of travel scenario holds far more concern for me than other sorts of travel.

It is exactly the kind of thing I would prefer to do with a man along. But that isn’t an option at this time.

Fearful? Yes. But I have a good roadside assistance plan. I’ll be sure to travel in a vehicle that is tuned-up and checked out. And I won’t be driving at night or off the beaten path.

Travel tours to luxury destinations

Who  hasn’t read or seen Under the Tuscan Sun? It’s a delightful story, and the heroine, newly divorced, takes a group excursion to Italy. There, she spontaneously abandons the tour, purchases a run-down villa, and builds herself a new life.

It’s a charming tale, and the bravery of this character (based on a true story) has always stayed with me. But my point here is the concept of traveling with a group. If you wish to take a vacation – to an exotic or luxury destination, on safari, or skiing in the Alps – then do consider a reputable tour that makes sense for your age and the demographics of the group.

There are plenty of options, built-in company, structure that may allay some of your fears, and you could have a fabulous time.

Live your best life – your way

The bottom line is that some marriages end. And we don’t all take up with a fairy tale “next great guy” in the year or two that follow.

Does that mean we shouldn’t see the world? Take a vacation to Martinique, to Peru to climb Machu Pichu? To the Riviera, because we’ve always wanted to see it? Or put together family vacations for our children and ourselves – to the Grand Canyon? To the Golden Gate? To scuba in the South Pacific if you have the budget?

In my book, we have one life. We’d best go for it. So I travel – when I can. And I do so with the excitement that many wonderful adventures await. Including new friends, new sights, new sounds, new tastes.

I put a smile on my face and I do talk to strangers. Judiciously. And I’ve never regretted traveling alone. Not before my divorce. And not since.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

Submitted by Delaine

Since separating almost three years ago, my leisurely reading has been very limited and very serious. We’re talking non-fiction and self-help only.   This was for a couple of reasons.  First,  the idea of anything make-believe or romantic repulsed me (I guess experiencing infidelity can have that effect).  Secondly, I had work to do – not only in terms of piecing me and my life back together, but in terms of rising into the role of single mom of three kids AND my new career as an author.  Truly, I felt like Delaine-The-Avid-Reader, who I’d been since I was a teenager, was gone.

But all that changed recently…yessiree, it did.  And you can laugh or roll your eyes if you want, but it was all because a friend of mine gifted me Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga Series: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  That’s right – this pushing-forty, no-time-for make-believe divorcee got hooked and swallowed by characters and a storyline geared at ’young adults’.

Now immediately I have to mention that I KNOW I’m not the only woman in my age group to catch the “Twilight Saga Fever.”  Four of my other mom-friends were consumed by it before it hit me; I kept hearing mini-swoonings about this ‘Edward character’ - how badly he craves Bella, how he looks at her in THAT way, how the mere smell of her totally undoes him…  And I’d thought, “What the hell?  He’s a vampire ladies. AND he’s young enough to be your son!”

But damn…as soon as I met him myself, I snuggled in for as  long as possible.  And I can’t help but laugh – for it appears I needed a 17-year-old vampire instead of a White Knight to revive my romance-dead imagination.

Oh, it wasn’t just Edward that had me devouring each 600-plus-page book like a food-starved prisoner at a buffet.  The plotline had so many arches and twists that I often sat there shocked that my predictions were way off.  Cause so many books are just so…predictable, don’t you think?  There again, maybe it’s cause stories about vampires and werewolves have never been my first pick.  Heck, the only other vampire book I’ve even read is Interview With A Vampire.  Ah, but perhaps the time has come for that to change. *grin.

So if any of you are looking for an entertaining and EASY read (Meyer’s writing isn’t decorative or heavy), or, if perhaps you just want to escape from the insanity of your life right now, I’d recommend this series with a great big gushy smile.  And as for what you might think of Edward well…let’s just say the inside of your closet door makes a great place for Edward’s (Robert Pattison’s) poster.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Last weekend, Carnival’s cruise ship, Elation, hit the mighty seas for what was branded as the first ever, “Cougar Cruise.”  Parting from San Diego, California and porting in Ensenada, Mexico, this three day adventure was marketed as a ‘’sexually charged’  trip of dancing, eating and partying for older women and younger men.  According to the trip’s sponsors, The Singles Travel Company and The Society of Single Professionals, the cruise sold out almost instantly AND they had to hire more staff because the phone was ringing off the hook.

Back in September, when news of this themed cruise hit cyberspace, comments flew all over the place – some expressing disgust and fuming at the double standard (had such a cruise been marketed for older men/younger women).  But there was no denying the playful and excited tone to the majority of other comments from women (and younger men).

But feedback on last weekend’s cruise is starting to roll in on various sites.  And commenters point out that there even though there was no mistaking the ‘mischeif’ going down amongst come cougars and ‘cubs’, it wasn’t any more salacious or outrageous in nature than regular singles cruises.  And this doesn’t really surprise me – cause many people falsely assume that cougar’ish behaviour only entails them acting like wild, slutty, uncontrollable creatures of lust.  I mean c’mon - older women can still be mannerly and ladylike, and still have fun.

A conversation I had with a twenty-something male stripper a long time ago suddenly springs to mind.  When I asked him who was wilder - the older women in the audience or the younger ones -  he said that during the show, there was no doubt that the older ones hooted and hollered and acted randier.  But AFTER the show, he said that while the older women normally made polite conversation about the show and left it at that, it was the YOUNGER women who set out on the prowl with an alternative agenda.

I know the term ‘cougar’ still rubs many people wrong – and sometimes, it does me too, mainly depending on the context and how it’s delivered.  But with new TV shows gaining popularity  like Cougar Town and the reality show, The Cougar (made by the creators of The Bachelor), it seems as if this nickname is here to stay, even if it’s still blooming into full definition.

But for the record, regardless of what you think of the term cougar – another Cougar Cruise has been slated for December 2010.  Just in case you’re interested (full details not yet available).  *grin

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Last week I went for the second time this summer to a spiritual retreat in Lily Dale, New York.  Lily Dale is a rather unique spot.     It’s a tiny little village in western New York, near Buffalo, with small gingerbread Victorian and clapboard cottages all crowded together, most with luxuriant gardens.

Lily Dale is known as the “town that talks to the spirits” as it was called by Christine Wicker who wrote a book about it a few years ago.  It’s the home of the Spiritualist Church, a uniquely American spiritual movement that started in the 1800s.  The core belief of Spiritualism is that the dead are among and we can talk to them.   Seances, spirit photography, ectoplasm and other ghostly manifestations  became the rage all over the country at the time  and were a huge phenomena  on into the 1920s when the movement was discredited because phony mediums were ripping people off.

Despite the frauds and their controversial beliefs, spiritualists aren’t crackpots.    From the beginning they were admirably devoted to civil rights and individual freedom, supporters of women’s suffrage and the abolition of slavery.   Non-denominational, with no fixed beliefs other than in life after death, they accept members from all religions, and are egalitarian, running the town as a cooperative.  Their two churches have no ministers. Lily Dale is set on the original one hundred acres bought by the Spiritualist Assembly back in the 1800s, so you can walk up and down all the streets in about an hour.

Lily Dale looks miniaturized, as though it’s inhabited by little people, though actually most of the residents are on the large side.   Mediums love to eat.   Vegetarianism hasn’t arrived at Lily Dale yet and neither has Pilates.     In order to buy a house in Lily Dale you have to be a member of the Spiritualist Church, and most houses have signs advertising readings.    There are twice daily “message services” at the “inspiration stump” in Leolyn Woods, a old growth forest with a pet cemetery and fairy houses built by children, where mediums give messages to people from their deceased relatives.   I went to a couple but found them pretty hokey.   Most of the messages were of the “you’re doing great, keep following the life path you’ve chosen” variety;  nothing juicy like, “yes, your wife is having an affair with your brother in law.”   None of the mediums ever called on me to give me a message, probably because they didn’t want to be bothered by my mother who would probably have said, “you can’t possibly believe in this stuff.”

I stayed at the Maplewood, a hotel that’s remained the same since the 1800’s.  You feel like you’ve gone back in time at the Maplewood.  It’s definitely not the Days Inn. The keys are metal, not plastic cards, the reservations are on a huge sheet of paper not on a computer, and there are no TVs or phones in the rooms.   The Maplewood has a huge front porch with rocking chairs all in a row, facing Cassadaga Lake.  On my first morning I walked outside in my bathrobe as soon as I woke up so my doggie, Shadow, could pee, and saw that all the rockers were occupied by Tibetan Buddhist monks in maroon robes.  They’d recently arrived from Dharmsala in India to make a Mandala, which unfortunately I had missed.    The other porch rockers were occupied by a variety of regular folks, from a big guy who looked like a trucker, to an elderly couple from New Jersey, to a systems analyst who was planning to analyze the mysterious photos taken by an Australian woman who had snapped pictures from the porch at night of dots of light in the trees that she blew up into ghostly images, some of which looked like floating orbs and others exactly like fairies.     Maybe it was because Lily Dale was in the middle of nowhere, but the pretentious holier than thou spiritual types I’d run into at other retreats were nowhere to be found. The visitors and residents alike seem perfectly normal, although they believe in ghosts, fairies and spirits.   I suspended my usual cynical disbelief to embrace Lily Dale since it immediately had a soothing effect on me.

I really loved being able to leave the privacy of my room to sit in the front parlor or on the porch with whoever happened to be hanging around.   After dinner I’d hang around with a variety of interesting folks.    As soon as I got home from Lily Dale I felt very depressed and isolated.  I realized how lonely I am at home, where I live alone, with no one to talk to on a regular basis.   I would love to live in a place like Lily Dale, where I could have my own space, but know that there would be friendly people around when I wanted to socialize, right outside my door.   I guess that’s what retirement communities offer, but without the charm and quirkiness of Lily Dale.    Divorce throws you into a life on your own, often a very lonely life if you’re older and your kids are gone—and you don’t have a job and work at home like I do.   There has to be a new way to live but I haven’t discovered it yet.  I’m going to start looking.   I’ll let you know what I find.

Erica Manfred

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