At 66 years old, my mom is a real firecracker. This woman has so much energy, she makes 20 year olds look like slugs.  But much more than that, mom is confident.  She’s generous beyond belief.  She’s sexy.  Has taken great care of herself.  And she spends her days either working 10 hour shifts in the hospital or taking care of somebody, some animal or some thing.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my mom is also divorced.  Ten years ago, after 35 years of marriage, my dad left her for another woman.  And not only am I so proud of how she has pulled herself and life together, I am so very grateful – for she has served as an important role model to me during my divorce, in ways that differ from my divorced girlfriends.

My divorced girlfriends have helped me immensely with the nitty gritty of the day-in, day-out baby steps of adjusting to divorce.  We’ve cried, belly-laughed, and shared everything and anything which each other over countless cups of tea (and wine:).  But in witnessing my mom’s divorce, which happened from afar as we live in two different cities, I was given hope.  Her personal tranformations in the aftermath were truly remarkable.  And some part of me thought, ” Hey, if she can go through this in her late fifties and turn it into a positive life experience instead of drowning in it, then why should I do any differently?”

That’s not to say I didn’t see my mom’s pain.  It was excruciating at the beginning.  I remember going grocery shopping with her one day and how she pushed the cart around with this glazed look on her face – it was a look I didn’t understand.  And when she later collapsed on the floor in tears while bringing the grocery bags in, I wept and held her, though I STILL didn’t understand the enormity of her pain….though I did a few years later when it happened to me.

I remember my mom expressing some of her fears to me back then – how she assumed friends would reject her cause she’d be the ‘third wheel.’  How she felt old.  Alone.  The mere  thought of moving out of our large family home was too much for her.  As for dating or a potential relationship with someone new – they weren’t even on her radar.

But with time – oh yes, this blessed healing thing called Time -  she slowly started putting the pieces of her Self and her life together again.  Anew.  It was like watching a grown woman give birth to herself.  She became much more open-minded about so many topics and life issues.  She joined cooking clubs and went out with all the ‘young people’ at work for dinners and drinks.  She started dating – and yes, she even then took a new lover.   And next thing you know, she was talking excitedly about the new home she was having built just for her….

My mom is so abundantly full of life and happiness now.  Her social calendar, between family and friends, is constantly full (so much for being the ‘third wheel’!).  And she is so grateful for what she DOES have - ie: health, money, friends, children and grandbabies – even though that long list doesn’t include a husband at this point in time. 

So I – her daughter – have sat back and watched this Woman – my mom - rise above her former life and become the libertine she is now.  And I think Wow.  Isn’t she something?  And though I wouldn’t wish divorce on any woman in the world, I see how good GREAT things can happen to women after divorce.  The personal growth that can ensue, the new sense of purpose and freedom, the new sense of Self – they really are all ours for the creating. 

But of course we all need the help of a wonderful friend or two along the way.  And as I look back on my journey, I can’t help but feel so grateful – not just for all the support of my amazing girlfriends, but for that which came from my ultimate role model: my mom.  

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

It’s been three and a half years since my ex-husband and I split up.  And since then, despite the many dates and mini-relationships I’ve had, I’m still single.  But I don’t think of this as being a ‘bad’ thing ; I think I’ve needed this time – to heal, to grow, to like myself more…and to get a much stronger sense of what a healthy relationship looks/feels like.

That being said, I want to bring up a conversation I shared with a divorced girlfriend the other day; it was a bit of an ‘aha‘ for me and I’m filing it away for reference for when I meet a potential Mr. Right:

My friend suggested that one flashing, yet oftentimes overlooked warning of an unhealthy relationship is when a woman constantly talks about her man’s potential instead of how he is – like right now, day-in day-out.  This woman talks a lot in the ‘future tense’, ie, he will be happy/more loving/more successful/a better father/ spouse when he gets a new job/believes himself more/is less stressed out/ finds his spiritual center etc.   Until he gets ‘there’ – wherever ‘there’ may be, she tolerates his poor treatment of her, buries her unhappiness and hurt (maybe even blames herself for it?), and may even makes excuses for his behavior.

Now please, let me clarify:  I’m NOT saying you should high-tail it out a relationship as soon as a rough patch arises in your partner’s life; we all go through those.  I’m talking about something much more insidious - it’s like a self-defeating, ongoing  ’dynamic’ that women may unconsciously get trapped in.  And I think some of us need reminding to clearly see someone for who he is and how he makes us feel…instead of who we hope and dream him to be.  

Of course my hand is waving in the air here - cause my tendency in past relationships has been to allow my romantic notions of who someone is to blind me.  Actually, it’s more than just my romanticism – it’s that I want to see the good in someone and focus on that. I’d always thought that was a  good thing…

But the problem is that there’s a fine yet dangerous line between believing in someone’s soul potential and seeing things that aren’t there and possibly never will be in this lifetime.  If he’s grumpy and mean and disrespectful to me now, chances are he’ll continue being this same way even when factor A, B or C is accomplished.  There’s a good chance that who he is NOW, how he treats me and the kids right now,  is exactly who he’ll always be.  And unless he decides he wants to rise into a bigger, better man, unless he decides he wants to treat me with the love and care I deserve, I’ll forever be living in an excuse-filled fantasy world that damages my soul.

Like I said, I’m filing this tidbit away for future reference with a potential Mr. Right.  Cause next time round, I want to do it right - and this will involve my focusing more on how I feel NOW versus ’some day’.  I’ll also be paying closer attention to how I talk ‘out loud’ to my girlfriends about a man – cause really, that’s me thinking/feeling out loud, possibly even giving voice to incongruities.  And the bottom line is that if what I’m saying sounds like  a skunk and smells of a skunk, then goshdarnit, he IS a skunk.  And I’m done with weasels.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Question:

Dear Shelley:

I want to know what steps I should take to get over my anger and hurt so I can be a normal mom again to my two kids.

I was married for nine years and found out shortly after our eighth wedding anniversary that he was cheating.  My anger lies in the fact that for nine years he told me he would never hurt my family like his dad did to him and his mother, but that was indeed what he did.  In the last year, he has become engaged, moved into a new home with this woman, and, although he states he wants a better relationship with his two children, he habitually fails to show for his weekends or steps up to help with their rearing in anyway.  

I’ve had to become the sole provider, parent, and support for my kids and I’m falling apart.  I’m tired all the time, cry all the time, have to put on a happy face to get through work, and have no support system whatsoever.  My parents are both deceased and I feel so completely alone.  I can barely keep myself going but I have to parent two emotionally stressed children who don’t understand why any of this has happened.  

I can’t let go of the anger I feel towards my ex –  I literally would cheer if he were struck by a truck because that would mean he were no longer a stress in my life and I might just be able to move on.  Please help! I don’t know where else to go.  Sure my friends offer, but they just don’t know what I’m really going through.  

Nina

Answer:

Dear Nina,

Where do I start?  I think that the feeling that we trusted our partners wholeheartedly only to discover our trust was misplaced is overwhelming.  It’s all about ‘unenforceable expectations’.  We hold core beliefs about what we think life should look like and how people should be.  We believe in trust, honesty, integrity.  We believe that a Father should be there for his children.  We believe that an ex should step up to the plate, offer both financial and emotional support and accept responsibility.  All good beliefs.  Our beliefs lead us to expect certain behavior from others as well as expectations about life. The problem is…people do not always live up to our expectations and do not hold the same beliefs.  An unenforceable expectation is one that we cannot enforce, we cannot control.  That is what you have right now.

What we cannot control we must let go of.  Otherwise we eat ourselves up alive.  It is probably the most important lesson we will be gifted with in this life.  You cannot control his actions or the way he thinks.  You have to learn to let that all go.  You have to learn to accept ‘what is’ versus what you think ’should be’. What is…that’s reality.  

It’s all about you now.  You must take care of yourself.  You must do the things that will alleviate the effects of all this stress or you will break down.  Exercise!  It is the number one antidote to stress.  Look into a yoga class.  Take time for yourself.  Eat well and get sleep. Offer yourself the same nurturing and compassion that you offer your kids.

Get support!  Go to meetup.com and find a divorce support group in your area.  Go to your clergyman if that works for you.  Talk to a professional.

You are ceding control of your life to him by allowing him to continue to control how you feel.  Take back control of your life by claiming full responsibility for it.   You are the only one who can truly make the changes that will allow you to let go and move on in your life. 

There are deep life lessons and wisdom to be gleaned from this life experience that will help you in the future. What have you learned about yourself?  What are you willing to accept and not accept in your future?

You are still in a grieving period so go easy on yourself.  This too shall pass.  Your future might just be better then your past!

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

How to look good naked

It seems looking good naked is on everyone’s mind after these days.

There is an excellent post over at Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy about physical appearance vs. feeling good. She brings up a number of great talking points on the topic of body image issues, being a slave to the scale and our self-esteem and how it connects to our physical appearance.

We often say that our self concept shouldn’t be based on whether we look good naked but, for so many of us, it is.  I maintain that for many of us, how we look naked matters a great deal because how we care for our bodies is often indicative of deeper feelings we have toward ourselves and our value as individuals.  If we want that to change then how we go about changing our physical appearance is the first step in beginning to care about and for ourselves.

Lose the Scale

Being an ex-competitive swimmer, swim coach and cyclist, and ex-aerobics and fitness trainer, I know how ineffective the scale is and how it can really work against one’s efforts at getting healthy. One’s weight can fluctuate a pound or two every day and even more for some women, depending on the time of the month.  In addition, if you are enslaved to the number on the scale, but you are truly about percent body fat rather than weight you might get to a place in your fitness regimen where you actually begin to gain weight while continuing to lose inches.

Those who absolutely use the scale as the sole measuring device in their quest to look good naked run the risk of ignoring some better health indicators. They can become easily discouraged and frustrated.  This is counterproductive to the person who really has the goal in mind of becoming a healthier, more physically fit individual.

Percent of Body Fat is A Better Indicator of Fitness

I prefer to consider percent body fat or Body Mass Index and inches lost when I work on improving my fitness level (because muscle weighs more than fat and building muscle eats fat).  One can be a size 3 and still be very fat.  I don’t want that for me.  I want the toned look and you can’t get that by merely losing weight on a scale you must transfer fat to muscle somehow.  If you are seriously overweight or out of shape or have never really done any serious training, please do two things:

First, get a physical and a physician’s okay before you begin any exercise program.  Even if you are relatively good health, this is always a smart move.

Second, seriously consider investing in a personal trainer who will meet with you for an hour once ever two weeks for, at least, the first eight weeks of your program.  Even two sessions with a personal trainer can be incredibly valuable in helping you jump-start your motivation and your journey back to fitness.

Toward A Healthier Lifestyle…A Personal Journey

While I know a great deal about the right things to do and the right ways to think about my body, its appearance and its health, I like many, many others have become negligent over the last decade. Sure there have been periods of good fitness, but I haven’t really stuck with them.  Of course, I have to cut myself some slack.  I’ve endured a pretty volatile decade personally, have been homeless and battled an emotionally abusive ex.  When survival is priority one, looking good naked gets much lower priority.  Even so, I’ve let go of some really great eating habits, stopped the consistent exercise and weight training program I had going and simply shifted my fitness priorities to the bottom of the list.

I don’t look horrible, but I really don’t look my best.  More importantly and more significantly, I don’t feel my best. I find that it is when I don’t feel my best that I am most prone to worrying about my appearance, suffering a loss of confidence and self-esteem and I’m especially prone to really stupid questions like “How hot am I, really?”  I hate being in that place mentally and physically.

Big Little Wolf’s post, my own personal journey to date, and experiences like these are crystallizing for me a sense of direction as I consider my own health and levels of fitness.  Note that I did not say weight loss program.  Because for me, though weight loss will inevitably be an outcome I hope to accomplish,, I am not venturing down this road with that goal in mind. In my post, two days ago, I spoke of moving toward a healthier lifestyle.  It’s true, I want to look good naked because that mirror in my bathroom is not exactly gentle in revealing the truth about my physical appearance, but I most certainly and more importantly want to feel good all of the time, not just naked.

I don’t just want to get smaller, I want to get better.  And better, might not necessarily weigh that much less, but it will look better naked.  It will walk further and faster.  It will not get winded. And, since I am the one looking at myself in the mirror, groaning daily with disappointment in myself about the extra pounds I’ve packed on and the muscle tone I’ve lost, and feeling disappointed with what I see (because the disappointment represents not beauty or lack thereof, but a deeper sense of loss) then looking good naked becomes important to no one…else…but me.  I’m the only one that matters.  It is indeed a deeply personal journey, but one with very visible results.

Getting Comfortable

But there is something even more significant at play here for me.  It is that idea of feeling comfortable in my own skin.  It is that idea that it is what it is and it is the best I can do so who cares what anyone else thinks.  Now, realistically I know, I should feel this way no matter what I weigh or what my muscle tone is, but the reality is, this is not the case for me.  Because the big reality is this, our fitness levels largely determine how we feel inside our own skin.

Our fitness levels often determine whether or not we look and perform at optimum levels.  All of those things conspire to impact our self-image and our confidence in our abilities in other areas. True, self-acceptance no matter what is important.  I’m not suggesting we all have to be stellar examples of fitness and brawn, but when our ability to function at our best each day is implicated, then I suggest that’s the time to really rethink our health and our habits.  Feeling comfortable in our own skin is more about doing the best we can with what we’ve got under the circumstances and I, for one, am not doing the best I can right now.  Not even close.  This bothers me.  It bothers me enough to make a change.  For me, it’s what 2010 is going to be about.

Starting Measurements…The First Steps

So, yes, yesterday, I pulled out the tape measure, hopped on the scale and took the front-back-side before pictures in my bikini.  Not because I intend to obsess over every little thing I eat or don’t eat.  Not because I intend to go on a crash starvation diet or crazy workout plan to burn that fat fast.  I’m smarter than that.  And, though I know my body will quickly respond to increased exercise and improved diet due to its past fitness, the reason I am doing it is not to get skinny…it is to change my lifestyle.

It is to change my thinking.  It is to become comfortable in my own skin. Taking the measurements now, before I’ve really begun will help me gauge my progress and will motivate me to keep going.  It gives me a starting point.

Fitness is About Character Development and Personal Growth

While this is about looking good naked on one level, it is also about so much more than looking good naked because whenever one begins a journey of this nature there are mental challenges that must be faced and obstacles that must be overcome.  I’d like to suggest that the journey toward improved health for me will be less a journey of fitness than a supreme course in character development.

I will need to test my commitment.  I will be forced to persevere.  I will need to focus and stay focused and that, because I am so easily distracted, will be challenge enough. I will need to flex and adapt to a schedule that changes dramatically twice a year while still keeping up my regimen of good eating and daily activity.

I will need to make some hard choices that won’t be pleasant or instantaneously gratifying (like that second glass of wine or that extra helping of pasta or saying no when I’m just not hungry) if I am to move myself into a place that bodes well for the health and longevity of this physical thing I call my body, not to mention the mind and spirit that it contains.  It won’t “feel” good sometimes at first, at others it will feel better than anything.  It will require me to flex my discipline muscles, tone my determination, and exercise my mental fortitude and push my commitment to my own improvement to the limits.

But that’s the cost for every one who would accomplish anything of value.

©The Wild Mind

My blog, Random Musings of the Wild Mind, is my attempt to force myself to overcome the fear of rejection, of criticism, and of being vulnerable and taking risks.  It is my writing practice. It is my writing playground. It is my place where hopefully the world, or even a portion of it, (maybe you?) will hear that life is something to be enjoyed courageously, that mistakes are avenues to growth and are not life threatening and that respect and love are always something worth working toward.

Budget

Discuss with your future spouse the ideal budget for a new home.  Make sure you choose a range that you can afford.  Try to keep your house payments to 25% of your income (33% at the very most.)  You may have two houses that need selling.  Make sure at least one of your houses is sold before you purchase a new home for your blended family.

Agree on the area of town

Are you trying to stay in a certain school district?

Will the new house be relatively (but not too close) to your ex-spouse’s house?  This makes dropping off and picking up children easier.

Involve the kids in the house hunting process

Ask each child in your blended family what’s most important to have in their new home.  You may be surprised at how helpful their answers will be.  Allow your kids, both biological and step, to come on selected trips with the realtor.  The best times to involve the kids are in the beginning, when you are only driving around looking, and in the end (when you have found a house you believe will work, and want them to tour it with you.)

Bathrooms

It’s important to have separate bathrooms, if possible, for the boys and the girls.  Adequate bathrooms are actually more important than the number of bedrooms.  Moving into a home together is tough for kids in a blended family; sharing a bathroom is even harder.

Make sure you and your spouse have your own bathroom, separate from the kids.

Bedrooms

It’s not as important for each child to have his own bedroom.  Children that visit, but don’t live in the house full time, can share a bedroom (if they are the same gender).

If you use a pullout couch or basement room for the visiting child, make sure they have enough privacy and that they can keep personal items in this area.

Give children the opportunity to make decisions about their rooms, such as paint color, curtains and comforters.  You want them to feel that this home is for everyone in your blended family.

Living Spaces

If your kids are varied in ages, it’s helpful to have several places “to be” in the house for entertaining, watching T.V., and just “hanging out.”  Consider a house with a basement or with several floors so that your kids can spread out and find their own space to relax.

Look for privacy in the master bedroom.  It’s helpful to find a house that has the master bedroom sectioned off from the other bedrooms, if possible.  You and your new spouse need your own space, too.

Final Tips:

Remember, you and your spouse  are the center of the family, the core of the relationship.  Input from all of your blended family is helpful, but ultimately you and your spouse make the final decisions on what house you purchase.  This carefully selected house will become the home for your new blended family.

Good luck house hunting!

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.

Question

Dear Shelley:

I am really struggling.  I was married for almost ten years and have two children.   My husband and I have been to court three times already.  At the last hearing, the judge asked both attorneys if all issues were resolved and both said yes – but my ex and his attorney have not completed the necessary paperwork and are totally unresponsive.

My attorney wants another hearing, but I’m praying for another way out. I have spent over $50K and am flat broke. His child support was reduced by 42% and I am responsible for the mortgage.  I was a stay-at-home mom and had to find a job in the 2008 economy.  So I had to take what I could get. What options do I have at this point?

MaryAnn

Answer:

Dear MaryAnn,

I cannot give you legal advice as I am not an attorney and matrimonial laws change from state to state, province to province.  

Options?  You either resolve to move forward by learning how to let go of the past or stay stuck where you are. I know it sounds simple but it really does come down to that.  What do you want your life to look like in one year and what will it take you to get there?  Concentrate on  what is under your control because we need to let go of the things that we cannot control and for the most part, we can only control how we choose to handle a situation/challenge.  Remember the serenity prayer?  If not, look it up on line and use it as your blueprint.

Start making small steps toward your goal. In addition, take good care of yourself by exercising and perhaps taking up yoga to reduce the effects of stress on your mind and body.  Make that commitment to yourself because you need all the resources you can get your hands on now.

There are always different ways of doing things and options to solving a problem.  If what you have been doing is not serving you then try doing things differently.  Reduce the occurrences of thing that upset you and increase the things that make you feel good.

Hope this helps.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Submitted by Amelia

At any point since your marriage ended, have you been inspired to see a tarot card reader or psychic? Cause I have.  A few times, in fact.  I’ve also looked for ‘angel footprints’ and messages from Above – it’s all about needing a bit of faith, isn’t it?  In ourselves, our futures AND the universe we live in?

The first psychic ’session’ I experienced happened soon after I separated from my husband three years ago.  And the strange thing is, she sought ME out, not vice versa:

I was on my first ever trip to Vegas with six close girlfriends.   One afternoon while shopping with the girls, I drifted off from the pack and wandered  into a clock store (no idea why, I had no interest in clocks!).   As I browsed around, I suddenly sensed I was being watched  – and there she was: a petite, dark-haired woman, standing in the middle of an aisle, staring at me.   She kept staring and staring -  I was beginning to wonder if she was “all there” – when she marched right up to me and hissed:  “I can see your aura!  Trust me, I can see things.  You need to know what I see.” 

“O…K”  I said, looking around uneasily. 

“Two things!” she said.  “One, your aura is so dark!  There are men all around you, bad men, men from your past, men coming at you now.  You need to get rid of all this bad male energy, it’s eating you up inside!”

“O…K” I replied again.  She was kinda making sense…

“Two!”  She stepped in close, looking me in the eyes.  “You are going to write a book! It will bring you great joy and be a great success.  You need to stop worrying about money.  Five years from now your life will look so good!”

And at that, she threw up her hands and scurried out of the store.

I stood there gawking down an empty aisle. “Did that just happen?  Then:  Wow, what a loony!”  Then, “Me, write a book?  As if!”  

But later, when I told my friends what had happened, one friend said,  “Even if she was a nut job Amelia, the universe wanted you to hear her messages.  There are no ‘accidents’ after all…”  

I suddenly felt a bit hopeful – maybe the darkness I was living in would pass…

Fast forward to last week.  My children were on holidays with their Grandma, so I took a much-needed road trip to Kelowna, BC.   I use to live in BC but it was over a decade ago - and the familiar landscape and energy out there stirred something in me… perhaps of the Amelia I used to be before I moved to Calgary, got married, had kids, and well …lost my Self.  

Anyhow, one lovely afternoon, as a meandered down an unknown street in Kelowna,  I suddenly thought, “I’d sure love to have a tarot card reading today.”  But I brushed off the thought - after all, what were the chances?

Yet there she was.  Sitting in the park under a tree.  A sign on her table read “Tarot Readings, $20.”  I sat down right away, the timing was perfect.  And for the next hour, I sat there listening to this lady with the blue eye shadow and unblended foundation, divine my present and future life in startling detail.

After that session, I stood along the boardwalk overlooking the water with tears brewing in my eyes.  Not because of any bad events she forecast, but because of the divine chills I kept feeling throughout our session; because of the loving presence I felt standing over my shoulder; because of the hope I felt caressing and undulating in my heart; because of the peaceful terrain I foresaw and believed to be ahead in my future.

And in that moment, I knew that she, this stranger with the bright blue eye shadow and wise heart,  had given me something I really needed – something that went far beyond what I’d have gotten from a session with a psychologist; that is, a return to the faith that life, and the universe, ARE on my side.  It was time to start remembering the core of who I am, who I use to be – that Gypsy-like Amelia who, a decade ago, was spiritually free and open to life.  She was a woman who created life… and didn’t just react to it. 

Yes…that old Amelia is still alive.  Alive, well, and very, very welcome.  But you know what the most ironic part of this tale is?  Not only did she write that book like Vegas ‘nut job’ predicted - it’s also  soon to be published.  (smile)

Amelia

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Every first step begins with a plan. If you’ve spent time in an abusive relationship getting out means planning for your escape; where you will live, your financial future. While putting your plan together follow the rules below. Keep yourself safe until you can get out of the relationship for good.

1. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you sense you are about to be abused or receive violent treatment. You should avoid rooms that have no exits such as a bathroom or basement and rooms where weapons may be found such as the kitchen.
2. Have a list of people that you consider to be “safe” contacts so you will have someone you can call or go to for help.
3. Always have change with you in case you are stranded and need to make a phone call.Make a list of important phone numbers and memorize them.
4. Create a secret word or sign that you can use so that your family, friends or co-workers will know you need them to call for help.
5. Plan what you will say to your partner if they become abusive or violent.
6. Always remember that you are entitled to live without fear and violence.

Now it is time to set your plan in action. You have to have somewhere to go, a way to support yourself so that your new life gets off to a secure proper beginning. Below are things you need to have in place in order to move on and rebuild your life.

• Leave: You need somewhere to go. If you can’t afford a place of your own find a friend or family member who will allow you to stay with them until you are able to get a place of your own. Or use the legal system to have him removed from the home.You can do this by filing for divorce and petitioning the court for exclusive rights to the marital home. The danger with this strategy is that he will know where you are. You are safer leaving and finding safe harbor with a friend or relative.
• Bank Account: You are going to need an account in your name only. If you’ve been planning correctly you will have this set up with a bit of money in it before you leave. DO NOT set up a new account in the same bank you have a joint account with him. Find a new bank, close to the location you will be living.
• Money: You’re going to need this too. Where can you get it from? All kinds of places; if you work have some of your salary sent to your new bank account. What if he is a financial control freak? All is not lost; collect change from his pockets, save some of the grocery money, do anything you can do and save up. When you are ready to go, don’t throw your wedding ring at him, pawn it! Don’t burn your wedding dress, sell it!

Sell/pawn anything you can get your hands on before you go. Right before you leave (like a few days before) see if you can cash in any mutual funds/savings accounts/CD’s or anything else you jointly own. This is a risky business, so only do it if you are sure he won’t find out until you are gone. Call the financial institution and inquire about redemption procedures, it may be easier than you think.

• Legal help: Yes, you are going to need an attorney. If you haven’t done it already, now would be a good time to go to your local women’s crisis center for information. They will know the law in your State and will be able to help you find legal aid services, offer counseling and assistance with housing, protection orders, child custody, divorce, etc…

Now that you are out or, he is out there are steps you need to take to protect yourself and your new life.

1. If you’re still in the home you shared with your husband change every door lock even if the door was not in use. Your husband may have a key and you don’t want him to be able to get in. Be sure all of the windows are locked.
2. Be sure you change your phone number if you’re still in the home you shared with him. Change it even if you have moved to a new location. Get an unlisted number and do not give it out to anyone you’re not sure you can trust.
3. Get an answering machine so that you can screen your phone calls.
4. Document and keep the records of all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving him in a safe place. You may need those records when contacting support programs for help. You will definitely need those records when seeking legal assistance.
5. If you are confronted by your husband be sure you have an escape plan ready and be prepared to use it.
6. Make sure all meetings with husband are held in a public place. Never agree to a private meeting even if he is being nice to you.
7. Do not follow the same routine every day. Take different routes to and from your home or place of work. Shop at different times and in different locations. Don’t have lunch or dinner in the same place every day.
8. If you have children in school alert them to your situation. Put a plan in place with the school so they will know what to do if trouble arises.
9. Talk to your boss, tell him/her about your situation and make plans in case your husband harasses you at work or shows up. Alert your co-workers and business contacts too.
10. Do your best to avoid being home alone. Don’t go to isolated areas.

I hope you understand the importance of having both a short and long-term plan when attempting to leave an abusive husband. Start making your plans now so that you can get out and stay out either today or down the road. If you don’t, you may well end up dead. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Physical abuse leaves behind bruises and broken bones, while emotional abuse kills the self esteem of the victim. Physical abuse is a situation where the husband beats the wife for little or no reason. Are you subjected to any of the below signs of physical abuse?

• Pushes, grabs or shoves you
• Slaps you
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Chokes you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Burns you
• Bites you
• Ties you up
• Forces you to share needles with others
• Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
• Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
• Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
• Throws objects
• Destroys property or your possessions
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
• Abuses you while you are pregnant
• Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy

If you are in a physically abusive relationship feelings of guilt or fear may prevent you from getting help. But it is important for you to seek help and continue to get help for yourself as long as you need it. Please call the National Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse: Your spouse…

• Frequently blames or criticizes you
• Calls you names
• Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
• Blames you for “causing” the abuse
• Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
• Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
• Isolates you from your family and friends
• Abuses animals
• Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
• Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
• Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
• Humiliates you
• Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
• Makes contradictory demands
• Does not include you in important decisions
• Does not allow you to sleep
• Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
• Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
• Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
• Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
• Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
• Threatens to commit suicide
• Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
• Minimizes or denies being abusive
• Abuses your children
• Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
• Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
• Uses phrases like “I’ll show you who is boss,” or ”I’ll put you in line”
• Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
• Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems. If you are concerned about the abuse level you are experiencing, please call 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).