“Out of blue, he kept trying a new sexual position,” said Gail.  “I thought maybe he’d seen it in a movie or something.  ‘C’mon,’ he’d say, ‘Just put these pillows under your hips, I know you’ll love it.’  And when I tried it – and didn’t like it much - he acted completely disgusted, like there was something wrong with me.  Guess he assumed that since ’she’  loved it, I would too…”

For Deana, it was her husband’s suddenly-slow ability to orgasm.  “A few times when we’d made love, I’d even thought, ‘Wow, this is taking a lot longer than normal’  And “Strange this is taking so long cause he’s been out of town for weeks.’  But I guess that’s what happens when you’re getting your fill, plus some, with someone else.”

Other ‘bedroom warnings’ of a cheating spouse could include:

1) a surge in sex drive

2) less eye-contact/ kissing during sex, and preference for positions where they aren’t possible

3) a decline or disinterest in sex

4) disinterest in cuddling afterwards

5) a new vanity in his body: he may parade himself (and a certain body-part) around as if ‘he’s the man’, or:

6) concealing his body, always covering up when naked and/or dressing in another room

Obviously, none of these signs are a sure sign of cheating.   Afterall, most individuals and couples go through ‘phases’ in the bedroom, and disconnect sometimes happens, right?

But both Gail and Deana agree that they wished they’d paid more attention to their intuitive response at the time -  some part of them KNEW something was off, but had made excuses for their husbands’ behaviors and dismissed it.

“It’s not about being paranoid,” said Gail.  “It’s about trusting your sixth sense.  And at the end of the day, no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we usually know when there is disconnect in the bedroom.”

Did signs of your partner’s cheating show up in your bedroom?  How?  And did you address it at the time? Have you been able to move past the sick feeling it creates in your stomach?  Please feel free to add your experiences or ask questions below.

Delaine  www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

A Man Who Earns Me

Dating Younger Men – Could You?  Would You?  Dare Ya?

Serving It Up Cold To That Lying, Cheating Bastard

Father’s right activists have been attempting to have Parental Alienation Disorder added to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), the American Psychiatric Association’s “bible” of diagnoses.

The National Organization for Women learned about the effort and is concerned. They have now sent out an Action Alert to counter the campaign. According to NOW’s Tracy Simmons:

I am writing you, the leaders of various groups that represent battered women, for your help in one of the most important matters we will address this year. The American Psychiatric Association is considering adding Parental Alienation to the Diagnosticians book, which would legitimize this legal tactic into a real disorder.

Parental Alienation Syndrome has now morphed into Parental Alienation Disorder thanks to the fathers’ rights organizations who are wildly pushing this through, and why wouldn’t they? It benefits the abuser and discriminates against the victims of abuse, which are overwhelmingly women.

This gender specific, abuse excuse, junk science can not be allowed to enter into the scientific community as there is nothing scientific about a syndrome/disorder whose only symptoms are a uterus, divorce papers, and bruises. I ask that you all to take action against legitimizing this outrageous theory by e-mailing the APA and asking your groups to do the same.

Although I doubt Tracy cares, I’ve a response to her concerns.

1. Why the hell does now push the agenda that most divorced women are victims of domestic abuse? NOW is an organization that I thought promoted independence and equal rights. How can any woman feel independent and equal to a man if she is taught to be the victim and that is what NOW does, they encourage women to become victims.

Some insights for Tracy on divorce. Most divorces are filed by women. Not because those women were victims of domestic abuse but because those women want out of unhappy marriages. Yep, some were victims, some were cheated on most though, they are quitters who have a romanticized idea of what marriage is. They are off out there looking for the “night in shining armor” and while doing so feel they have ownership over their children.

2. Most men who are victims of Parental Alienation are not abusers. They are fathers, good fathers who are dealing with women who use their children as a negotiating tool. They are fathers, faced with the up hill battle of trying to convince some family court judge that they, as a parent have as much right to parent as the mother of their children.

NOW has fought hard for the rights of abused women why not take your head out of your butt and take a look around at reality. Parental Alienation is a form of abuse and women are more likely to attempt to alienate a child from the father than fathers are from the mother. In this case, NOW isn’t speaking out for the victim, instead they are working to protect the abuser. You want to stop the discrimination against the abused, get behind this attempt to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder in the DSM-V.

3. Only someone who has never been a victim of Parental Alienation would refer to it as “junk science.” Although most perpetrators of Parental Alienation are women, some men are also guilty of attempting to alienate a child from a parent.

Take my ex for example. His children are objects to him; objects he wants nothing to do with unless he feels he has full ownership of said object. My son spent 10 months in his custody. During those 10 months, my ex defied the court order pertaining to communication and visitation.

He had my son’s cell phone turned off and purchased a new phone with a new number. A number he refused to give to me. My son was told he was to NEVER answer the home phone. Guess who had no way of communicating weekly with her son, even though the court order gave me that privilege.

My ex was court ordered to share with me all medical information. He refused, going as far as not contacting me when my son spent a week in the hospital. Something I knew nothing about until after the fact and then he did everything in his power to keep me from getting medical records from the doctors who cared for my son.

NOW has a skewed view of divorce and what takes place before, during and after a divorce. They also have a skewed view of what equality actually is. Equality is about ALL PEOPLE being treated equally…especially the children.

When it comes to Parental Alienation the focus should not be on the abuser or the victim, it should be on the children who have the right to equal time with both Mom and Dad. That won’t happen until Parental Alienation is viewed by the Family Court System as a recognized psychiatric disorder.

And believe it or not that happening has nothing to do with whether or not you have a uterus or have been a victim of domestic abuse. Most mothers put their children’s needs first. Most fathers do the same. Those who are victims of the mother and father who doesn’t, need to be armed with ammunition to fight back. Thanks to these Father’s Rights groups hopefully we will soon have that ammunition.

If you are interested in support the effort to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder click here.

It wasn’t until ’she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him…

…until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “I think he’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  - who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.”"

It was at this point that Pam realized that she’d never hear the full truth through her husband; nor would sleuthing through phone records or emails concretely answer her questions.  In her mind, there was only one risky choice still available to her: confront the other woman.

Part of you might immediately think Pam’s choice was crazy.  I mean, aren’t you suddenly envisioning two women screaming and rolling around in a cat fight?  How could such a scene NOT happen?  By all practical reasoning, wasn’t Pam setting herself up for more hurt… more drama?

But Pam had more guts and smarts than I gave her credit for.   A scene or an emotional release was not her objective whatsoever; getting answers WAS. She knew she needed to be calm, inoffensive, even compassionate when she spoke to her.  She was even prepared to cry and pull on the other woman’s heart strings if necessary.  She also knew that time was of the essence: she had to move NOW while everyone’s emotions were high and her husband and this woman hadn’t had time to collaborate stories.  And off she went, pride in her stomach, to the ’other woman’s’ work place – a bar…

At first, the woman kept saying that she and Pam’s husband were just really good friends; that they were important to each other, and had helped each other through some hard patches. But there was ’something’ in this woman’s eyes – (hurt?) -  that caused Pam to press on – patiently.  Compassionately.  And eventually, the thread of truth started unravelling from this woman’s tongue:  they HAD slept together, though “not often.”  But ‘frequency’ didn’t even matter.  Pam now knew her husband was a liar and a cheater.

Pam and her husband are now two years into their separation.  And Pam, who has weathered her divorce with the heart of a lion, and strength of a warrior, can’t help but grin when she thinks back on that confrontation in the bar.  ”I still can’t believe I did that,” she says.  “Where the hell did I find the balls?”

And I smile.  It’s amazing how people’s true colors shine through during crises, don’t you think?

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Girlfriends: Let’s Talk About Sex!

Stop!  Hey – What’s That Sound, Unresolved Legal Issues Pulling You Down…

Do You Have The Discipline It Takes To Look Good Naked?

One of my rules to live by?

Don’t make major decisions under stress or duress. And post-divorce life certainly qualifies on both counts. When I was newly single again, I realized that I wanted a new look for a new life, but I wasn’t sure what that might be. I did know that I should take my time, that I was vulnerable, and needed to ease into a brighter, shinier, different me.

What did I do?

I grew my hair. I went to a sexier, slightly artier style. I changed my glasses, my perfume, and took up some healthier habits I had let go by the wayside. I also treated myself (over time) to very fine lingerie – and to be worn every day, not just for special occasions.

What might suit you?

If it’s been six months, a year, two years since you’ve re-embarked on the single life, chances are you’re pondering possibilities a-plenty, or already have. They range from the symbolic (a new perfume or replacement ring) to the exotic (relocating to another country) to the more sensational – like cosmetic surgery. But does the Big D really necessitate Double D’s? Is it the time for extreme measures, if you have inner work to focus on along with a desired update to your appearance and personal style?

If you’re looking to shake things up a bit, consider options beyond the surgeon’s knife. Am I saying not to go for the tightened abs or naughty knockers? Not at all. But health and well-being are fundamental; self-esteem is built on more than a surgically altered outer skin.

Mini Makeovers:

Many of us want – and need – a post-divorce makeover. For ourselves, to encourage new attitudes and potentially new friends. We may be starting out on new career paths, as well as looking to re-enter the dating waters. We’re often more motivated to take risks, to spread our wings, and a makeover may help us do the trick.

I love mini-makeovers, when it comes to personal appearance or style, as well as for my wardrobe and my surroundings. Naturally – we all have financial, professional, and parental responsibilities that form the framework for what is reasonable. So here are some suggestions to add a touch of style to your single smile, and just in time for Spring!

Mini Makeover Suggestions:

Day spa

If a day spa is handy – treat yourself! You’ll feel like royalty after a little bit of pampering. And if it’s not in the budget (or you can’t get a babysitter), do-it-yourself spa time is very affordable, and schedule it for when you have an hour to yourself. Try an herbal tea facial (steam and one tea bag), or a few bath products you can pick up at the local supermarket or superstore. Then light some candles for ambiance, soak in your tub, and unwind.

Hair

Drab color? A little bit of gray? Just bored with what you’ve got? Chat with your hairdresser about a new style, a weave or extensions, or a new color. Switch it up – go red, go blonde, go sultry brunette! Nothing lightens your mood or changes your look quite so much as a dramatic hair makeover.

Makeup

A touch of brightening goes a long way on most women, and if you haven’t changed your makeup style since shoulder pads were the rage on Dallas, you’re certainly overdue. And that doesn’t mean you should overdo it. (Do you really want to resemble the makeup messes à la Real Housewives of Orange County?)

Head to the nearest department store where you can try any number of products – and have fun doing it. The older you are, the more a light touch will let you shine. Have a makeup artist show you how to apply products, and suggest the right ones for your skin and your lifestyle. And you’ll need a new look to go with the new hair!

Perfume

Do you associate your perfume with your ex? Or has it been some years since you’ve tried something new? Our sense of smell is powerfully linked to memory, and fragrance is incredibly seductive. That department store where you’re having your makeup done? Don’t forget to stop at the perfume counter. Dab a little on each wrist. Take some samples home to try at different times. Enjoy choosing just the right one, and imagine leaving a new fragrance lingering on a gentleman’s pillow.

Wardrobe makeover

While many may lecture on the pros and cons of dressing your age, my personal feeling is you should dress to please yourself. But ask a friend his or her opinion if you’re really uncertain, and use a proper mirror when you’re trying on new clothes, a new style, or a new color scheme. Do remember that professional attire is one thing (be suitable for your workplace), but when it comes to socializing, why not cut loose a little?

Whatever you do – I strongly recommend you treat yourself to beautiful lingerie that fits properly. Wear it for you – and enjoy how deserving you feel.

Smile

If you’re going to invest money in maintenance, there’s nothing so wonderful as a lovely, healthy smile. Does that mean blindingly white choppers or veneers? Not unless you’re headed to Hollywood. More likely, it’s as simple as regular visits to your dentist, whitening strips on occasion, and remembering the warmth and welcome that a smile exudes.

Makeovers on a Budget:

Like most of us, I live on a budget. I have a few classic, quality staples in my wardrobe, in blacks, neutrals, and jolts of color (reds and purples). A few pieces of bold jewelry, a variety of scarves (like French women), and I admit – way too many shoes!

Did I mention the importance of a gorgeous pair of heels? They don’t have to be four-inchers (though if you can pull it off, why not?); I’m all for comfort, and even a low heel for a high time is elegant when you go out.

The point in all this?

You need to take some risks. Try new things and get outside your comfort zone. Does that mean you can’t date until you lose 30 pounds, fill your forehead with Botox, or drop five figures for the combo tummy tuck, face lift and breast implants? Of course not.

If you feel that you must have cosmetic surgery to compete in the dating market, I hope you take the time to get to know yourself first, and be realistic about far less invasive and expensive alternatives.

But if you’ve always wanted those bodacious tah-tahs, or any other procedure, then do your homework, line up your resources, and keep in mind that there is no panacea for heartache, and no magic path to loving or being loved again.

Be healthy, be financially responsible, and enjoy refashioning your single life. It’s really all about you – your choices, your confidence, and feeling recharged and renewed.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

More Articles:

Facial Yoga: Eliminate Wrinkles the Natural Way

Top 5 Eye Creams: Say Goodbye to Crow’s Feet

Black Clothes Suck the Energy out of Your Face

I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.

After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex.  I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together.   How much harder?  I am willing to change.

But am I being naïve? Or, is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for?  Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?

Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values.  Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.

Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant.  The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home.  I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.

Once I understood it’s meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst.  (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)

I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy.  (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)

I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”

Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.

And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!

And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter.   Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.

But it hasn’t been a simple matter.  In fact, it’s been living hell.  Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much.  Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibers and carpet mites.

Why so f***ed up?  My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.

Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.

Horizontally we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless.  Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work.  We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and traveled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.

But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.

Here’s the conundrum.  In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt.  For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well.  He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.

However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships?  Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it.  Try harder I say.

So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?

If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.

I haven’t a clue right now.  I’m still talking to carpet mites.

How much do I miss sex with the Ex?  Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done.  I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs.  Got a match?”

Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.”   I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.

There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again.  These words drifted into my head after I made yet another half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”

Just because I lie on the carpeted floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?

Of course it does.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com to tell him your own haunting story. Be sure to check out his site at www.geronimocode.com also.

More Articles:

That Blissful Moment of Physical Merging

Sex: Thought Leads to Action

Why I Like to Date Divorced Men

His comments caught me totally off guard:

We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ’spice.’  And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”

But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up.

First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’   Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with:  “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”

But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t have children, but his divorcing friend Bob DID.  And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally financially screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob.

And then – oh yes, my friend, there was more - THEN there was his divorced friend Allan whose wife got the matrimonial home, their holiday house in Hawaii AND enough spousal to have her “set up for life.”  Spit, scowl, grrr – I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my chair…

Alas, the time for his ‘Grand Conclusion’ finally arrived.   He said, “Me and my buddies all agree that marriage isn’t worth it.  You work your whole life, you bust your balls to become successful…  Then WHAM!  Half of it is gone and you’re out on your ass going, ‘What the hell happened?’  We all agree, no woman is worth losing it all for, even if it’s the best sex you’ve ever had.  Unless, of course, she’s signs a heavy duty PRENUPT.”

And then he laughed…he laughed and laughed and laughed with his head tossed back and his stomach bouncing.   I smiled along politely, wondering what exactly he was laughing at:  Was it his prenuptual ‘joke’?  Was it he and his friends’ ’stupidity’ for having married?  Or was he laughing at women, myself included?

Suddenly, I felt so belittled and degraded by him and his pack of  ‘divorcing friends’ that I wanted to high-tail it out of there.  Why was he even out with me if he thought so little of women and relationships?

Finally I was alone in my car driving home, thankful and relieved to escape his company.  I sure won’t see HIM again! I thought.

And as if on cue, my cell bleeped.  “Thanks for the wonderful dinner beautiful,” he wrote.  “Let’s do it again this weekend.”

And I laughed.

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Anger, Passion & The Beebopping Minivan

A Whole New World

Women’s Sexuality: A Starting Point or End Point For Learning?

There is an old saying that women have to work twice as hard as men to get half as much. This may be true in some cases, but only if we allow it to be true.

Women have come a long way in the workplace. We have fought for the right to work alongside men, the right to be paid the same as men and the right to be treated with respect rather than the “lesser” sex. There is no reason why we can’t compete like a man. The question is: why don’t we?

According to Dr. Lois Frankel, an executive coach for fortune 500 companies, women unknowingly undermine their credibility and sabotage their careers. In other words, it’s not the male co-workers ruining our chance for a promotion, we do it to ourselves.
After interviewing and coaching over 1000 women, Frankel has documented 101 of the most commonly occurring mistakes women make. Thankfully, not all of us make all of the mistakes, but if you find yourself repeatedly being skipped over for a promotion, you may be doing a couple of them. Below are the top three to watch out for:

Working too hard: Women often complain that they do more work compared to other people. The truth is no one is promoted by hard work alone. According to Frankel, likeability, networking skills, and strategic thinking are some of the other factors needed to grow into a successful career. Instead of working hard all day, skipping lunch and breaks, give yourself permission to “waste” a little time. Spend at least five percent of your day building relationships.

Doing the work of others: Women tend to take responsibility for not only their work, but also the work of others. There is only one problem with this. While we are busy doing the grunt work, men are busy building their careers. Promotions are rewarded for a job done, not doing the job. Stop volunteering for low profile assignments. They will not only zap your time but won’t improve your career. Try not to let others delegate their work to you. Practice saying “I’d love to but I’m just swamped.” There is no need to explain further. It’s their job, not yours.

Failing to capitalize on relationships: Men rely on relationships to open doors for them. Women view it as taking advantage of a friendship or business partner. You would trust a referral from one of your business associates, then why wouldn’t the door swing the other way? When in doubt, ask permission to use a colleague’s name. For example, “I’m trying to set up a meeting with George Smith. Would it be all right if I mention that I know you?”

More Articles:

The Financial Impact of Divorce: There is More to it Than Splitting Assets

Assistance for Low-Income Single Moms

Opportunity is Knocking, Will You Make Excuses?

Submitted by Delaine

Sometimes dealing with an ex can feel like you’re dealing with a child:  you give and give and give….you kindly explain the same thing over and over and over again …yet still they don’t ‘get it.’ And though it’s sad to say - and painful to have to do - sometimes we have to take legal action to make them ‘grow up.’

Perfect case in point – that of my girlfriend Barb:

Ever since she and her ex Brian separated two years ago, he often hasn’t made child and spousal support payments on time.  We’re not talking months late; we’re talking a few days or weeks as he awaited bonus cheques or got out of his overdraft.  This came as no suprise to her by the way – he’d always had problems managing money during their marriage.

Time and time again, she accomodated his need to pay late, which meant shuffling money around in her accounts so she could pay HER bills, and holding off on buying things she and the kids needed.  But time and time again she ALSO reminded him that:

a) she was doing him a favor

b) he really needed to get organized and make it a priority; maybe find a financial planner to help?

c) it really was unfair that in the grand scheme of his financial life, his paying her and the kids was treated more laxly than say, his gym membership, or his vitamin supplements.  Why couldn’t he make late payments to THEM instead of her and the kids?

Problem was, by her giving in once…then a few more times…it became an expectation.  His attitude became one of, “What’s she gonna do about it?  If I don’t have the money yet, I don’t have the money.  She’ll get by.”

But Barb has decided she’s had ’enough.’  The clincher came this past weekend when her ex told her he’d be late on March’s payments even though he’d just spent the weekend skiing up in the mountains and was soon going on vacation in Mexico.  She told him: “Starting next month, I’d like you to give me post-dated cheques for the next year.”   Shocked, he said he couldn’t do that…”you know I’m often living in my overdraft…”

But Barb realized that that was his problem, not hers and their children’s; that she was enabling his mismanagement of money AND suffering the consequences of it by constantly giving in. Moreover, his actions were extremely disrespectful – he was taking advantage of her kindness AND neglecting the important responsibilities he had to her and the kids.  So off to her lawyer she now goes - Maintenance Enforcement will make Brian ”get it”, even if she couldn’t.

I’m writing about Barb’s situation NOT to promote you running to your lawyer on every single issue that arises between you and your ex.  But I do want to remind you that your ex is not a child and thus, shouldn’t be allowed to ‘get away’ with things that negatively affect you and/or the children.   Sure, you might cringe at the mere idea of having to talk to your lawyer (AGAIN) – but as Barb said to me afterwards, “In the end, legal enforcement will ultimately help make him a better father…and Better Man.” A lovely spin on it, don’t you think?

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Do You Pursue Your Heart’s Desire?
Top Three Turn-Offs About SOME Divorced Dads
Simple-minded, piggish men aren’t born that way?

Editor’s Note: Erica Manfred, author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, is answering your questions about divorce — from how to deal with betrayal, to surviving the first year, to dating again, to finding a new career. Our “Divorce Doctor” looks forward to hearing from you. Leave your questions for Erica in the comments below or e-mail submit@wowOwow.com. For more advice from Erica, visit www.heshistory.com.

Sally R. asks:

“Imagine my thrill at the prospect of starting over in my 60s. I have been married for 42 years and I’m now dealing with a somewhat different situation. My husband left me almost two years ago, and when I finally got fed up with being in financial limbo, I filed for divorce late last year. He says he doesn’t want a divorce — but he won’t offer a single reason to not get one. He tells his lawyer that unless I rescind the petition, he won’t do anything to reconcile. Although I still love him, I no longer like him and don’t see him in my future. I have wanted us to go to counseling all along but now I think it would be a waste of time. At this point, I want him to “cut me loose,” so I can move on. But the prospect of trying to find someone to date is overwhelming. I miss having someone close to cook for and with, watch movies and travel. As much as I enjoy the company of women, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life only with them.”

Erica Answers: Sally, it sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place. He’s the one who left, but he’s the one who doesn’t want a divorce. His threat about refusing to reconcile unless you rescind the petition sounds like financial manipulation. He’s made no attempt at reconciliation for the last two years – why do you think he’s serious about it now? I think you should go ahead with your petition. He’s the one who abandoned you, so you shouldn’t have any problems getting a divorce and, hopefully, a fair settlement.

Your second problem — missing couple activities like cooking for him and having a traveling companion — is a different issue. Once you put your marriage behind you, living alone will seem much less bleak. You will look around and start noticing new ways of reinventing your life. Until then you’ll be in limbo.

I can reassure you that even though you may not find another life mate, you will find men to date and even to love. Two years after divorce, 75 percent of over-55 divorcees have been in a serious relationship. Men are out there if you’re really interested in finding one. And what’s wrong with hanging out with girlfriends? I think it’s great fun.

Linda F. asks:
“How do you stop the bitterness and pain? It’s been five years and I am still lost and hurt. I was shocked one day by a call from the other woman (a convicted prostitute, with a drug addiction, criminal record and several aliases). Before this, everyone (including me) thought this was the perfect relationship. Now, I can’t deal. I don’t want him anymore, but I can’t look at anyone else. It’s really lonely. All of my couple friends have left me. Thankfully I have some strong girlfriends and a great family with two grown children. But it doesn’t help that I lost two good jobs in this terrible economy and now I can’t find work. Do you have any ideas, support or similar feelings?”

Erica Answers: Sounds like you could use a heart-to-heart with Silda Spitzer. Are you in therapy? I would start there. What helped me the most was self-reflection and figuring out my own role in my failed marriage. No, you’re not responsible for his betrayal or sleazy behavior, but there are always red flags that we ignore and denial that we use to protect ourselves.

Ironically, the more responsibility you take for the failure of your marriage, the better you will feel. Taking responsibility is empowering. You move from victim to active participant … which feels a whole lot better.

Another crucial piece is figuring out what happened. Who were you when you got married? Why did you marry this man? What changed over the years? What did you overlook to pretend you had a happy marriage? And, yes, you did overlook a lot. I guarantee it. The more you understand, the better you’ll feel. It helps to read books about divorce. Start with mine of course. I have a good list of other divorce books in my book. As far as looking at anyone else – after betrayal – it’s very hard to trust again. But is there a choice?

Love means taking a leap into the unknown. If you don’t do it, if you don’t risk your heart, you never get the rewards of intimacy. I wish I could help with the job situation, but I’m counting on President Obama to do that.

Have a question for me? I’d love to hear your questions and answer them in my column. Please ask me anything that relates to divorce, either before, during or after. I’m the girlfriend who’s been there, done that and wants to save you a lot of anguish … and a lot of cash. Keep in mind that I’m not a lawyer and can’t answer legal questions, but I’ve interviewed many lawyers and will tell you what I’ve learned if it’s relevant. I also may consult with lawyers and other experts on issues that come up a lot. OK, shoot … Leave your questions in the comment box below or e-mail submit@wowOwow.com (with “divorce doctor” in the subject line). For more information, visit www.heshistory.com or He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40.

Note: Questions may be edited for length and clarity.

More Articles:

Ask the Divorce Doctor: When the Ex Isn’t Paying

Ask the Divorce Doctor: Why Did he Leave me After 30 Years?

LipStick on His Collar, Hatred in His Heart

Submitted by Me & My Evil Twin

We went at it for hours.  And it was as awesome as the other six times we’d had sex.  Passionate.  Intense. Deep. Animalistic.  But as I lay beside him in the aftermath -  eyes closed, brain off in Post-Orgasmic Wonderland -  I suddenly heard:   “I love you, Lynn.”

My eyes flew open.  Did I imagine that?  Oh God, on no, he actually said that!  Quick, what should I say back?  Cause it sure as heck isn’t “I love you, too.”

I looked up at his face - he was staring at me adoringly.  I smiled.  “ That’s a beautiful thing to say,” I said. And that’s all I could say off the top of my head.

Have any of you been in a situation like this before? The kind where you consider your relationship primarily “great sex” only to find out that the man thinks your ‘connection’ is love? Suddenly I have flashbacks from my early twenties – but the roles were reversed: I was the one thinking ’love’ while the guy was thinking ’awesome sex!”

I know I’m not in love with this man.  In my books, we hardly even know each other.  How can someone be thinking ‘love’ when he’s spent less than a full 24-hours total with me?  I mean I LIKE him.  We get along well, and we have fantastic sex.   But as a divorced mom with some heavy life experience behind her and in front of her, I can’t imagine saying ‘I love you’ so quickly and easily to ANY man.  I’m not even sure what that word means anymore.  But I DO know what great sex feels like – and I’m afraid that’s enough for me right now (ouch – twinge of guilt).

After I had a chance to collect my thoughts properly that evening, I DID talk to him further about our relationship.  And unlike those men I dated in my twenties who may have said, “I love you,too” in the blissful moment, or cruelly continued stringing me along for weeks or months, I chose to be honest.  I told him I like him.  But that we don’t really know each other very well.  And given my recent divorce, I need to focus on getting my own life in order first and foremost.  “And as I do this, I WANT you to continue dating other women,” I said gently. “I DON’T want you to wait for me or get your hopes up.  Let’s just enjoy the physical connection while it lasts.”

I feel good about how I responded to him; speaking the truth does that I guess, even if it hurts someone a bit.  Still, I’m baffled that I even found myself in this situation.  And in some ways it even pulls on my heart strings….oh but to be able to love easily and abundantly.  I guess young women aren’t the only ones who can be naive.

Me & My Evil Twin

Other Articles:

Why’s A Hot Babe Like You Still On Here?

Depressed?

The Man of My Dreams Will Lie In Bed With Me & Read A Good Book