Submitted by Delaine

I’m writing this article with the theme song of the movie Rocky playing in my mind.  For at this very moment, I don’t just feel like Delaine The Divorced Mother who raises her three kids 95% of the time on her own with no help.  No no -  I am a champion; my feet are dancing and my arms are raised in victory.  For it took strength I didn’t know I had, sweat, blood, and yes, even tears -  but in the end, I won: I defeated the insidious Chicken Pox virus that descended upon my children last week  and remain standing!

Perhaps you find it silly that I’m making this into a big deal.  But if you’re a single parent – (not a part-time parent who only has the kids every second weekend but a SINGLE parent) - I know you ’get’ what I’m feeling.  Maybe it wasn’t because of a disease or sickness -  maybe it came in the wake of an unusually insane schedule you miraculously pulled off, a smile you kept on your face for the kids despite the brutal argument you’d had with the ex, giving the kids the best Christmas they’ve ever had despite the odds against you, or maybe even just making it through those final hours before the kids went to bed when you felt like the walking dead. 

THESE are the moments, the victories, that go unnoticed and unrewarded by the outside world.  THESE are the moments that we KNOW would have other people (maybe the ex?) pulling out their hair, unable to cope.  Yet in truth, we have proven -  if not only to ourselves – that we, the single parent species, are INCREDIBLE.

Oh, we may not be humming this jubilant tune when we’re eyeball in it – and I confess there were numerous times this past week when I felt sorry for myself, pleaded with the Universe to chuck me a bone, and even felt angry and resentful that I was doing it on my own…

But the Heroine in me, someone I’ve become well-acquainted with these past years since divorcing,  reminded me, “This too shall pass”, “You’re only given what you can handle”, and “It’s OK to ask for help!”  So I brushed off my martyr-like state of mind and phoned a couple of girlfriends to cover me for an hour or two so I could recharge.  And they weren’t all ‘busy’ like that gloomy voice in my head had told me – they were more than willing to provide me with a brief reprieve.

So if this article serves but to make one other single parent knowingly smile and stand a little taller, then my job today is gone.  And I shall trumpet it out for all to hear, I really don’t care who has to cover their ears:  us single parents are AMAZING! (And man, someone should do a Rocky remake on YouTube dedicated to us!)

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Submitted by Delaine

As I read through his lengthy profile on the dating site, I found myself laughing out loud.  It was written with such good humor that I assumed THIS line was too: 

“What I don’t like:

1) Women who date younger men in the hopes of hiding from the fact they are OLD.
2) Women who judge me cause I date younger women, cause well… let’s face it, I’m cool. LOL

But when I jokingly teased him about these statements, I found out he meant them seriously.   He wrote:

“We all know that women are a lot more mature than men so it’s no big deal for us to date younger.  But when you flip it, the only thing that’s going on is pathetic older women f***ing boys.  That’s sick!”

Now whoa!  That wasn’t just harsh, it was hostile.  And I wondered:  Do a lot of men (perhaps over age 35?) share his sentiments?  Where does this hostility coming from? And  most importantly, can men’s feelings be changed or at least softened?  Cause  I don’t think this social phenomena is going to disappear any time soon…

If men brand every woman out there who dates/has dated a younger man ‘pathetic’,  almost every one of my divorced girlfriends (myself included) would be branded.  But I know none of us have regrets for our actions.  We were reacclimatizing to the dating trenches, we were determined to get ‘back out there’ and move our lives forward, hormones were racing, opportunities knocked, and hello! Sometimes we answered!  ALL the dating/sex we experienced, whether our partners were younger OR older, was serving a purpose:  exploring the new Women under construction.  Moreover, the bottom line is that SEX FEELS GOOD -  do we really need to justify who we have it with?

To me,  it makes sense that the ‘older women/ younger man phenomena’  has increased in popularity.  I mean, socially, we have more divorced or single women out there dating again than ever before.  And as fully grown women who are more than capable of making good decisions for themselves, why shouldn’t they take more than peek around at what’s available? 

At the same time, I understand men’s ‘resistance’ to it:  the roles and identities of women in our society continue to change, and this means it calls men’s roles/identities into question, too; they’re confused as hell!   I’ll even take it astep further:  I bet  being looked over and replaced by younger men hurts older men - at the ego and heart level, that is.   Suddenly they find themselves questioning their less-than-taunt waistlines; maybe the wrinkles they see in the mirror don’t look so ruggedly handsome anymore either.  It’s hard to be judged so superficially, isn’t it?  How can you not take it personally?

Of course, these are feelings that women have been experiencing for eons…but this isn’t about balancing out wrongs committed.   But what I DO see as a wrong is men then resorting to name-calling and sweeping stereotypes about women should they date a younger man. 

So while we continue on within this chaos of social change and upheaval, where gender roles, relationships, and values are metamorphosing, I ask that these men ask themselves this:  Do you REALLY think women dating/having sex with younger men is ‘pathetic’?  Could it be that it’s touching on your own insecurities instead?  Or at the core, is this more about you having a problem with women having the liberty to have non-sex love?

Cause a woman’s ’sexual purity’ should NOT be used as the measuring stick of her overall character and value as a human being.  And until such time as our society recognizes THAT fact, I don’t think the sexes will ever be at peace with one another.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Haunted By Ex Sex

Submitted by Delaine

So I’m becoming less judgmental and more open to men - and it has taken me a few years to get to here since divorcing  (better late than never, right?).   But after watching the movie, The Ugly Truth, and seeing how underneath Gerard’s Butler piggish character was a wounded man with a big heart, the more sympathetic AND curious I’ve become about what makes men the way they are.

Now let me make this clear: under no circumstances do I think men acting like pigs and jerks towards women is excusable. Men are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour and choices no matter what, as are women. That being said, women slicing all men to pieces and making huge stereotypes is not the way to go either. For that unfairly lumps Good Men in with the Jerks AND doesn’t permit us to see through the ‘facade’ of Jerks. The main objective here is to respectfully ‘get along’, isn’t it?

Recently, I’ve begun asking men why THEY think men act like pigs and players towards women. I may just be skimming the surface, so please enlighten me if need be; but here’s what I’ve gotten back:

1) Their behaviour is usually a coping/self-defence mechanism. They’ve been hurt badly by a woman (or more) and instead of processing that hurt in a healthy way, they choose to treat women like ‘sexual objects.’

Now, a part of me immediately rolls my eyes when I hear this.  I think, “Oh, get over it,” and “And c’mon, you don’t think us women have been hurt too?”  But this leads to point #2.

2) Men’s ability to ‘process’ and express their feelings is largely hindered by society’s definition of what it means to be a man. Growing up, men are STILL learning to shove their feelings inside. This is further exacerbated by the relationships many men have with their fathers – the old school take on what it means to be a man is still being passed on.

Again, a part of me is still rolling my eyes when I hear this.  After all, us women face immense social and family challenges around who we’re suppose to be too, so why should we have sympathy for you?  But again, I’m trying to open a door of understanding here – this isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m simply trying to understand…

3) Men are confused as all hell about what women want and even NEED from them. In many ways, women seem to be doing it all. Men don’t know where their place is. It’s not that men want to STOP women from their progress in so much as they don’t know where their role begins and ends as a result. When it comes right down to it, men want to feel like men, but they don’t know what that means anymore. Similarly, they want to make women feel like women and they don’t know what that means either.

To this, I respond that I understand the ‘confusion.’  I, too, am confused about what I feel my roles as a woman are. I feel intense pressure to ‘do it all’, which leaves me unsure of what a yin/yang partnership should look/feel like.   Thus I can  surmise that this situation is just as confusing and scary on the male side too.

A part of me thinks we’re going through an important and much-needed, mass social upheaval – all hell is breaking loose so that eventually we all learn to value one another for who we are verses limiting criteria such as gender, skin color, religion, or what have you. Maybe, collectively, some massive social message is in the throes of being written – it’s just not legible yet…

In the meantime, as stereotypes and boundaries continue to be pushed and broken down, I think it’s important we’re aware of when we’re erecting new walls that hurt, judge, and degrade members of the opposite sex. I know that on some levels, I’ve been guilty of this too; I’ve punished innocent men for the emotional crimes committed against me by others.

But underneath it all, I really do love the male species.  There are many things about men that I admire and want and even need.  Otherwise, well… I wouldn’t be out there dating, would I?

So guys, ladies: what do YOU think?  Is there way more to the male wound that I’ve described here or are these ‘explanations’ nothing more than excuses?  Please comment, share, enlighten me, please!

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Would YOU Go Out To A Bar Alone?

Shannon’s day had been typical and ordinary; she’d had no ‘signs’ or reasons to think it might be anything but.

At 5 o’clock, having finishing her nursing shift at the hospital, she decided to stop in at a trendy bistro for a drink;  having a drink alone was no big deal to her whatsoever.  She stomped out her cigarette just as she reached the entrance doors and headed inside with nothing but a cold margarita on her mind.

Movement to her left caught her eye – she glanced back over her shoulder.  And there, in the corner, with his chair backed against the wall was a man – a long-legged man wearing glasses and smile.  Had he just gestured her over? she wondered. Or had she imagined it?

Too late.  She’d already started walking over to him.  “Were you just smoking?”  he asked.  Nice opening question. Nice deep voice too…

“Yes I was,” she said.

“Ah….that’s too bad.”

“Haha.  Actually, me and my boyfriend are both planning to quit next week,” she replied.

“Ah.  That’s too bad too – the boyfriend part I mean,” he grinned.  He waved his hand to the open chair in front of him.  “Well then – she who has a boyfriend and will only smoke for one more week, would you care to join me for a drink?”

And with the wave of his hand, so Shannon’s life was swept onto a new page as well.  That casual drink two months ago was followed by many more drinks, dinners and dates….  A long story short – Shannon broke up with her boyfriend within a week and she and this guy have been together ever since.  She is happier and more at peace with hersself than I’ve ever seen her her whole life; she knows she has met The One.

So… what’s the point in my sharing this story with YOU? Perhaps you’re thinking, “Good for her Delaine, but I don’t even know this person…”

I’m sharing it for a few different reasons:

1) The story is simple.

2) It’s powerful (seems Divinely orchestrated to me!)

3)  And it can make us feel good.

And when it comes to divorce - no matter WHAT stage we’re at – we ALL sometimes need to hear some ‘good news’; you know, a ‘happy story’ where everything works out.  We ALL sometimes need a little hope, a little lightness, and a little faith in both the universe and our futures.

Me, personally, I am savoring my friend’s story as if it were my own.  Her story reminded me that there is a time and season for everything, including discovering new love; that when two people fall in love it can happen EASILY and with a sense of CONFIDENCE; and that in the blink of an eye, on any given day, our lives can majorly change – not just in a downward motion like we all know because of divorce…but upwards, and for the better.

I know that day is coming for me too.  I may not be out there looking hard for love…but I know it’s out there looking for me.

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Submitted by Divorce Coach Shelley Stile

Here’s a fascinating take on divorce that I find more true than not:  We choose our spouses, usually subconsciously, as a means to healing old emotional wounds we have been carrying around our entire life.

Our divorce then becomes the wakeup call to clean up that mental baggage we have been lugging around once and for all which in turn allows us to become the person we were always meant to be!

That theory would go a long way to answering the questions we often ask ourselves: How is it I married my Father/Mother?  Why do I over-react to certain things my ex did or said? Why do I continue making the same mistakes over and over again?

Old emotional baggage has a tendency to run us and limit our freedom of choice

It is revealed in the endless mind chatter that seeks to sabotage us and keep us stuck in the pain of our past. It is seen to our extreme sensitivity to those things that push an emotional button based in our baggage. It creates a huge obstacle to us being our personal best and having the things we so desperately want from life.

Let’s take a couple of specific example of this theory in action so you can get a better idea of it’s implications as it might pertain to you and your divorce:

A woman marries a man who, as it turns out, doesn’t make her feel good about herself or to put it more aptly, she allows herself to feel bad about herself due to her choice of a spouse.

He is highly critical of her every move and nothing she does seems to measure up to his standards.  She suffers and her sense of self is demeaned.  She begins to think about why she would have chosen someone who is so much like her own Father?

The pain she is undergoing is a reminder of how her own Dad treated her as kid. He too was highly negative and critical. As a child, she could not separate the facts (a negative father) from the meanings she created about herself, i.e. I am not good enough, I am less than and I am not worthy.

This woman never healed the old emotional scars from her past

She carried a belief around with her that she was not good enough, a belief that she and she alone created.  Keep in mind that this would a logical deduction for a child.

As an adult, we have the ability to see more clearly and realize that we are good enough and our childhood response is no longer valid, not to mention effective. Perhaps, just perhaps, she chose her husband because it would literally force her to come to grips with this old ‘stuff’, the mind chatter and baggage, that she had to heal and rid herself of if she was going to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Her healing might come in the form of recognizing the fact that her Dad was a negative guy and his treatment of her was no different than his treatment of everyone in his life although perhaps more so with his own child.  Unfortunately, not out of the ordinary.

That was just who he was and Lord knows he had his own ‘stuff’ too.  She begins to see that the core belief she holds about herself is extremely limiting and self-destructive. She sees how it has been running her and how she has enabled this behaviour in her ex and undoubtedly others.  She knows she must learn to say no to the things that do not serve her. She is on the way to a new life that reflects her newfound self-respect and confidence.  Hallelujah!

Here’s another example of choosing someone who will push you into self examination and renewal:

A man chooses a wife who is a control freak in that she must make all the decisions for the family because she knows best

We can only begin to imagine where that ‘stuff’ came from!  Ultimately, he feels bad about himself and loses his sense of self and power.  Why would he choose such a spouse?  Perhaps his own Mother was an over-riding force in his own life and was controlling and manipulative of him.

Perhaps there was some sense of security in that relationship.  Perhaps he came to believe that he could not trust himself to make his own decisions, that he was incapable.  As a result, he chose a woman who would ‘mother’ him in the ways that he came to define as mothering.

Of course, it didn’t work and only served to exacerbate his inner feelings of inadequacy.  All the old emotional triggers got activated when his wife bossed him around and didn’t respect his opinion.  Even little things became huge triggers for him because of his old emotional baggage.

His divorce became his call to arms to clean it up.  He also came to understand how he enabled his ex’s behaviour and also came to know what kind of a relationship would work for him in the future if he was to be happy and the man he was meant to be.

In my own divorce I found a major lesson that I had failed to learn over the years:  that I could not control everything in life and that I did not know best all of the time.

I also learned that there is a high price to pay in being right.  It was both a humbling and liberating experience.  I don’t have to control everything because I cannot control everything. Being right is based on my own old emotional stuff and I get that now.  That is what I had to learn and my choice in a spouse was the perfect choice to teach me these lessons and gift me this wisdom.

Take a long hard look at your own divorce and see if there just might be any truth to this theory in your own story

Remember, your divorce can serve as an opportunity to rid yourself of any demons that have had control over your life.  Your divorce offers you much wisdom that you can apply in order to live the life that you deserve. Every experience in life has something to give us.  Do not waste this experience.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

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Older, Wiser & More Beautiful

Submitted by Delaine

Do you ever wonder if divorce and/or infidelity have ‘hardened’ you? I don’t mean ‘hardened’ as in “made you stronger.”  I mean as in, “encased you in a shell of mistrust and bitterness towards the opposite sex.”

Cause that’s what happened to me; I wasn’t even conscious of it at the time.  Truth is, to this day, I still sometimes struggle with it.   And I find it kind of scary – cause even though these feelings are a natural part of the grieving process, I can see how it would be easy to get stuck in them for too long.  Some people never move beyond them… right?

I started building ‘walls’ between myself and men somewhere around eight months into my divorce.  I’d already been out there dating for a few months by that point – which was more like me running around with my heart on my sleeve trying desperately to find a ‘replacement partner.’

But by the eight-month mark something shifted in me.  I’d become more comfortable with the dating scene and realized I didn’t need to ‘panic’ - I even gave myself permission to  fully ‘explore’ what the dating/sex scene had to offer.  At the same time, however, I began processing my divorce/infidelities.  And my ‘walls’ started going up – with ANGER and FEAR OF BEING HURT AGAIN acting as chief foremen.

My Anger proclaimed that I’d never again be a man’s doormat - not even for a moment – as I had in past relationships and in my marriage.  Never again was a man going to rip my heart out by fucking other women behind my back; he’d never get close enough for me to care.  Never again was I going to be the one who chased men,  who spent hours daydreaming over ‘what might be’ –  hell, figuring out men was a waste of my time and an insult to my purpose for being alive.  I resolved that if a man wanted me, if he was TRULY worthy of me, he would not only pursue me with every ounce of his being, he’d have to be brave enough, strong enough, to blast through my walls and swoop me up…

And I’d laugh…God there were times that I”d laugh at and criticize men .  I felt like I’d finally learned the truth about them; that I’d inflated them to be these magnificently evolved creatures when in fact, most were simple-minded, penis-lead duds who didn’t deserve the time of day.  I felt like I’d been stupidly fooled and manipulated into believing that when a woman offers a man her heart, he’d treasure it, protect it, cherish it – not drop it on the floor as soon as a finely-dressed pussy walked by.

I even felt angry at our partriarchal society at large – for I’d spent my whole life hearing men comment about how women are ‘too fat”, “too old”, “her boobs are too small” etc, and every wounded part of my Woman Soul wanted to scream at them to get their priorities straight, to go home and look after their children, to work hard and pay support because it’s the right thing to do, to stop blaming us for everything, to open up their mouths and communicate for once from their souls, to evolve into who I THOUGHT they were, who they CAN be, if they’d just take their brains out of their pants…

(Shaking head)…Again, I wasn’t even aware of what was happening inside me.  I was blaming the entire male species for the horrible transgressions done to me by a couple of men. Higher and wider the stones on my wall grew. I felt safe.  Empowered.  I had complete ownership of my heart in here.

But then…then the universe usurped control of my fortress: it sent in a Good Man when I wasn’t looking.  And it was he, this Good Man – a man who was but a written voice on my computer, a man who I made jump through hoops to earn my trust and friendship, who announced:  “You’ve got these huge walls up around yourself,Delaine. And I understand that they’re there to protect you…

But you’ve built them so high that you set men up for failure before they even start.  And I’m warning you to be careful.  Cause the Woman inside those walls is absolutely beautiful…but she’s blocking out any chance she may have at love and happiness; she’s becoming her own prisoner.”

One day months later, as I sat looking way up at the walls I’d constructed, I began to see the truth of his words.  Slowly, hesitantly, I began dismantling them.  And strangely enough, the more blocks I pulled down, the lighter I began to feel; it was like fresh air blowing through a room in my soul.  Moreover – why lookee here at who had shown up:  standing in my courtyard and reaching out to me were MORE  Good Men.  And I smiled, thinking:  Ah.. a few Brave Men were sent to coax the Angry Woman out of her fortress.

I’m not going to say my walls are totally gone now; a couple of recent ‘mishaps’ have shown me I definitely still have work to do.  Plus, a part of me still kind of needs the walls - to ward off the simple-minded, penis-lead-duds – I mean, ‘less suitable” men out there in the dating trenches.

But I’m aware of when I’m being defensive; I’m aware of when a trigger has been hit and I’m falsely blaming someone else for an old transgression.  And on the whole, I’d have to say I’m happier and lighter within my relationships with men AND myself than ever before; I’m getting there.

And so I hope that my insane story lingers at the back of your mind to serve you somehow.  May it comfort you in your Dark Phase if that’s where you are now.  But may it also remind that you’re to be there only temporarily.  Cause you can’t build up walls that shut out the other half of the species without you serving a painful sentence yourself.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Sara looks amazing at age 42.  Having recently become a triathlete and dedicated herself to an intense training regime,  she has a figure – and a muscle/fat ratio -  most of us would give our eye-teeth  for.

But Sara is also divorced.  And just because of the ’D’ label, she has had to deal with something most divorced women face : being ‘watched,’ judged and gossiped about by women who are married or have boyfriends.

It wasn’t just the weird vibe and glances she got from two married friends at work.  The sting even came from a family member – a married cousin, who dropped condescending comments about her ‘singleness”, her ‘fancy clothes’ and how she goes out “all the time” (which wasn’t true).

But the most hurtful and surprising incident happened with a close girlfriend.   Sara and a group of friends had gone camping for the weekend.  And when Sara returned from a long mid-day run - sweaty, red-faced and wearing her running gear, her girlfriend’s husband lewdly commented to his wife on Sara’s killer abs and perky breasts.  Naturally,  Sara’s girlfriend got angry- but not at her rude husband like you’d think.  Instead she directed blame at Sara, saying she was deliberately flaunting herself and trying to tease her husband.

Unfortunately, I had an ugly incident occur similar to Sara’s:  six months ago, a neighbor friend  of mine blindsided me with accusations of wanting to steal her husband and break up her family.   Her totally false accusation not only hurt me, it sent me reeling. Is this what I should expect now that I’m a ‘divorcee’? I wondered sadly.

But I gradually came to realize that this ‘confrontation’ wasn’t about me or anything I had done wrong.  It was all about my neighbor - her marriage, her sense of self, her insecurities. The same can be said for what happened to Tara: the gossiping, the condescension, the anger, all belonged to them.  Sara was just a super easy target because of her beauty – she’d be considered a ‘threat’ even if she were married.

Perhaps you’ve experienced the same ‘watchfulness’, judgment, and gossip towards you since divorcing.  Or maybe they only lurk as fears at the back of your mind.  Just remember that when or if it happens to you, do not take ownership of other people’s emotional garbage.  Their ugly words and actions are meant to serve as mirrors to them and their lives.  OUR mirror lesson is to be proud, accepting and loving of who we are, regardless of how others label us or try to bring us down.

Hmmm…that seems to be an ongoing lesson the universe wants to test me on.  What about you?  Has your backbone gotten straighter and stronger under all that scrutiny, too?

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When Favors Are Treated As Demands

It’s something I bet Tiger Woods wished he’d had - and something everyone, including cheaters, can now take advantage of.  It’s called TigerText.  And it can kill embarassing text messages or ‘evidence’ – forever.

Released this past February by California start-up, X Sigma Partners, TigerText is an iPhone application that enables users to set a lifespan on messages they send – from one minute, up to 30 days.  For example. if you send a message at 4 p.m. and set the lifespan to two hours, come 6 p.m. the message will be deleted from your phone, the receiver’s, AND the server.  This means that’s once it’s gone, it’s totally gone.  And if the receiver doesn’t read the message within that time frame, it won’t be accessible to him/her.

The application further allows a “Delete on Read” feature, which means that as soon as the message is opened by the receiver, a 60-second countdown begins before the message disappears; kind of like Mission Impossible where the messages self-destructed.  

Company founder Jeffrey Evans says the application was designed to protect people’s privacy:  ”In today’s fast paced world, everyone is guilty of running at the thumb at some point in time. No one would want every text they send to live forever. Business texts are safe from leaks or corporate spying; personal messages are kept private; embarrassing texts simply disappear. I read stories every day where texts accidentally end up in the wrong hands or are entered into evidence in a court case. The issue of government search and seizure of texts is becoming the hot-button privacy issue of the day.”

But it also means those who are being deceptive and have something personal to hide – ie: cheaters - can do so with more peace of mind.

How can you tell if your spouse has installed the TigerText on his/her phone?  After a text message is deleted, “claw marks” – which represent the tracks of a tiger - appear over where the text originally was.   However those marks will also disappear.   You will also see the downloaded TigerText icon on their phone: a sideways tiger on an orange background.

So if your spouse is acting suspiciously and is suddenly paying for this service even though he/she isn’t a spy or dealing with highly private material at work, you may want to keep a closer eye on him/her.   Tigers are notoriously difficult animals to track; unfortunately, cheaters can be, too. 

Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Understanding The Pain & Rejection of Infidelity

When my divorced friend Barb moved in with her new boyfriend two years ago, she promised herself she’d make their relationship - particularly their sex life - top priority.  So in addition to their 6-10 weekly sessions of dynamite sex, Barb ALSO decided to make every Friday night all about his  – and only his – sexual pleasure.

Now I’m sure you’d all agree that Barb’s new ritual was very generous.  If you’re like me, you may even wonder why SHE didn’t get a night devoted to HER in return?  But Barb wanted to go the extra mile to show her boyfriend how much she loved and desired him.  Moreover, during their normal love-making sessions, he was always so generous in pleasuring HER (and teaching her new things about her body) that she wanted to make him feel extra special,too.

But believe it or not, trouble has brewed in Sexual Paradise.  Because instead of thanking his lucky stars for a sex life most men would die for, her boyfriend has become, as Barb puts it, “sexually lazy.” In other words, he has STOPPED pleasuring HER as often and with the same enthusiasm as he did before.

I find his reaction baffling; I just never thought that anyone (particularly men?)  would take great sex for granted.  I mean, if someone was going THAT far to show their love to you, wouldn’t you give it your all to make sure he/she was happy and satisfied too?

Obviously and with good reason, Barb was growing more resentful and upset at her boyfriend’s behavior.  She said she felt he’d “falsely represented himself in the bedroom.”  After all, she’d been passionate and enthusiastic from the beginning of their relationship – and that’s who she continues to be to this day.  He, on the other, had presented himself as one way, only to ’fall back’ into a less-generous kind of lover.   And right away, I started wondering how often this happened with couples; that is, they start out their relationship or marriage having lots of sex only to have one person lose interest/enthusiasm: maybe kids came along or some other life variable choked his/her interest.  Is this excuse enough?  Is this false representation in a way?  Or does the person whose left wanting sex have unrealistic expectations of a maturing relationship?

Barb – always a woman to say she how feels, even when it’s tough, finally couldn’t take it anymore.  She told her boyfriend straight out that his behavior was hurting her and that she could no longer, out of  a sense of love for him or herself, continue on with their Friday night ritual.  And I must say I admired her courage and ability to communicate her needs.  That wasn’t an easy thing to say, and she could have chosen to bury it or blame herself for his disinterest and allowed matters to plunge into a dangerous downward spiral.  But instead she chose to speak up, honor her needs, and give him the chance to fully understand how she was feeling.  Perhaps this is something many of us can learn from…

And how did her boyfriend respond to her confession?  Well, as of yet, let’s just say that BJ Fridays have still been indefinately suspended.  But she’s sighing and smiling a lot more already….

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

OtherArticles:

Beware the Loose, Wrinkly, Unsymmetrical Vagina!

Sex: How Long Could You/ Should You Go Without?

Bad Men Bring Us Gifts

Smart.  Knowledgeable.  A ‘no bullshit’ kind of woman.  This is the kind of girlfriend/ e-friend I think every divorcing woman needs to have in her corner during her divorce.

I’m not saying it’s the only kind of friend we need.  There are those whose shoulders we cry on, those who provide spiritual insight, those who make us laugh, and so on.

But divorce oftentimes requires us to be stronger and smarter than we think we are.  Some matters even require us to be tough.  And depending on where you’re coming from, in terms of both your marriage AND your life experiences, your tendency (and character) may be to put everyone else’s needs before your own, let fear and worry keep you stuck, and let good intentions and lots of prayers alone decide your destiny.  THAT’S where the support of a smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit girlfriend comes in.

My best friend Hali is one such woman.  And I must admit that at the beginning of our divorces (we went through them at the same time), I often found her approach too aggressive.  Whether she was dealing with legal matters, her ex, or issues around their parenting schedule, she always grabbed the bull by the proverbial horns and said, “This is what I want, I think this is fair and reasonable, I’ll seek legal counsel if need be, but I do, and will continue to, trust my instincts.”

I, on the other hand, was the opposite.  I  never pushed, never shoved, and trusted that all would “work itself out” cause I was a good person, so was my ex, and these things take time…

Sometimes Hali’s opinion about how I handled my divorce aggravated me.  After all, her opinions and her approach were just that – HERS, not mine.  And I found her methods and attitude too ‘masculine.’

But thank God, THANK GOD, she devoutly stood at my side even when I was going nowhere fast.  Thank God she continued to offer her guidance and opinion, even when I wasn’t ready to hear them.   Cause you know what?  I NEEDED someone like her in my corner to help me find my backbone.  I NEEDED someone to calm me down and reassure me that my ex’s behavior was unacceptable.  I NEEDED someone to remind me that the money I was spending on legal action was WELL-SPENT, that I and my children were entitled to an arrangement that was FAIR ,and that I DID have the courage and strength to grab MY life by the horns and fight for what was right.  Ultimately, my best friend Hali helped me find the smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit woman in ME.

Smart, knowledgeable, no-bullshit women are amongst us. And if you haven’t such a friend in your present life, know that you can find them here online, as well as an array of others that offer valuable support of different kinds.  Cathy Meyer,my friend and partner on this site, is another such no-bs woman.  She, like my best friend Hali, is honest, fair, knowledgeable, realistic – but she may not always tell you what you want or are ready to hear…yet.

Other Articles:

When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands

‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life?  Or Sacrifices?

Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’