Hot for a Cougar who may have a few years on you? Eight? Ten? More?

As a woman of a certain age who has been approached by younger men, and yes – involved with a few,  might I suggest the following tips?

• Don’t refer to her as any sort of feline creature. You know. The C word (cougar). In fact, C words should be stricken from your language. Unless they involve Cute (butt), Cultured (pearls), Caring (woman), Captivating (beauty), Corset (comeuppance), or Creative (in bed).

• Restrict cat-like references to her sultry and sexy movement – gliding across a room, on the dance floor, or in closer proximity. Also allowed (depending upon the woman): one or two other regional references, only in the most complimentary fashion, and aptly timed. Naturally.

• Never suggest a cosmetic procedure, question timing of the next bikini wax, or offer tweezers as a surprise gift.

• No matter what you think you’re looking at, while in bed, never ask “What’s that?” (It could be almost anything. If it feels good, go with it.)

• Never, never, never say: “You look great… for your age.“

• If she mentions a dead president you haven’t heard of, reconsider. You’ll both be happier in the long run.

© D A Wolf

These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.

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Today I want to talk about a moment during sex that many of you probably haven’t analyzed before:  that is,  the moment of initial physical mergence. Cause you see, a close divorcing girlfriend of mine recently took a new lover whose ‘entrance’ made her roll her eyes…with annoyance.

To use an analogy, his ongoing technique resembled a Samsung Sewing Machine flicked on at high speed:  da-da-da-da-da – you get the picture.  Even when she gave him subtle hints of what she wanted, ie, murmuring to ”go slow’ or holding him tight and close, he quicktailed it back into fast-gear.

As my girlfriend and I discussed this ‘never-been-talked-about-before’ topic, we both agreed on one thing:  this wondrous moment is best approached slowly – at least to the point where there is ‘pause’.  Cause the initial moment of conjoining, of being filled and consumed, is one where our longing and arousal turn into surrender - we have offered the deepest part of our physical Self to another being.  Even if it’s non-love sex, this is one of the most powerful and intense moments a couple can share.

We’d both assumed that men felt much the same way about it; that knowing that a woman was giving herself to him, that he was now connected to her and her sweet pleasure was his to enjoy, was a realization AND sensation he intuitively needed to fully savor.

So now, as my girlfriend and I continue to explore this vast, semi-wacky world of dating/sex post-divorce, I can’t but wonder:  Do most people think there is a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way for a man and women to conjoin?  Did we wrongly assume that this moment was as special to men as it is to women?  And oh no – how many more men out there think this is how women like it?

My girlfriend was well-aware that she might have explained her needs to him more clearly.  You know – maybe talked about it with him in the afterglow of a session: or clearly, yet seductively stated what she wanted while wearing something lacy…

But the truth was that she wasn’t that into him anyway and felt too impatient to invest the extra effort.  As she put it:  “There’s some things a 41-year-old woman shouldn’t have to say to a full-grown man.”

What do you think?

Delaine   www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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As I continue to wade through the vast sea of online dating, I find myself feeling impatient with myself.  Not because I want a man pronto, but because I’m STILL not sure what ‘type’ of man I like.  And I wonder, Did I get a chameleon chromosone at birth?  Or do I simply have no idea what I’m attracted to in a man?

Over the past week, I’ve briefly chatted with three men online, all of whom I found intriguing on some level.  First, there was the older, hot shot executive from New York who wanted to wine and dine me.  He appealed to the ‘glamourous’ businessman woman side of Delaine.  Then there was the masters student a decade younger than me; I could totally picture myself curling up with him on his stained, secondhand couch drinking a slurpee and chatting about life.  Then there was the long-haired photographer dude who drives a Harley to yoga class.  What can I say? I’m drawn to creative, deep types who break conventional social molds, too!

Sometimes I wonder, is it just me? Do most women HAVE a type of man they like?  Or does every woman have so many colors to her soul that trying to find a match in today’s sea seems overwhelming?

A part of me thinks that at this stage of my life, I should KNOW what I want in a man; or at least, I should be much clearer!  After all, it’s been over two years since my marriage ended, and believe me, I’ve explored the sea a fair amount already (wink).

Instead I find myself clicking on men’s profiles who are seemingly opposites; it’s like looking at a broad display of decadent chocolate knowing that no matter wonderful each morsel might be, tomorrow I’ll probably wake up wanting toffee!

Is anyone else in the same position as me?  Anyone been there and moved beyond it?

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Facebook has brought some amazing re~connections to all of us. For me it has brought an old (male) friend back into my sphere.  We have opened up like thirsty nestlings waiting for the next morsel.  Separated by fifteen thousand miles, we are comfortable enough to push boundaries and mystery.  I have been more open with him than anyone I can remember… So today came an absolutely normal question… what if…  would I… with him?  And here is my response that I am sharing because it just simmers constantly within me…

Whew! It wasn’t the question I was expecting so that’s … interesting…

And like you said, who knows?  I know that I have, from time to time (thought) about (it), particularly when we discussed you running away to New Zealand ~ and that would have been so spontaneous and exciting and delicious ~ but who knows what chemistry brings?

I know that poetic license is so incredibly important to me and openness and all of that stuff… and then without one skerrick of warning, everything clams up.

Like when I go to have drinks with the girls and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and happy and want more ~ and then something comes down on me like a sledgehammer and even if I were paid a thousand dollars to have one more drink, I couldn’t.

I’m too strange like that, I have a full heart, an open mind and a taste for curiosity and then ~ BAM! That good girl who is watching her daddy cry over her older sister’s antics as she is sitting on the stairs comes back and all sense of propriety comes back.  I don’t get it, I don’t necessarily like it, I don’t necessarily WANT it ~ but there it is.

Damn I’d love to be loose and who~gives~a~flying~fugowie and even with the best of naughty intentions, I can’t follow through.  I think it has too much to do with heart.

Love making is making love ~ and sex is… okay for others to play with but I got hurt so badly that I don’t want to let myself out there again.  I’m so glad you asked this question because every time I flow in this direction, I change the flow.  Safety in miles.  Safety in relative anonymity.

It’s not like it has been a lot but in my decade of independence, I HAVE gone out with the full intention of getting laid no matter what.  But nothing takes my fancy.  I need to have my fancy taken.

Even on my dates in California in 2005 as we were driving past a strip of motels along the road from San Diego to Encinitas, I knew that all I had to do was to say, ‘turn here’ and lick my lips ~ and I would have made his night ~ probably his year ~ maybe his decade… and I considered it until….  nope.  Couldn’t do it.

Even with my niece saying ‘Just once Maya ~ JUST ONCE!! No one will ever know and you will feel achy/soft/used/using/brutal/alive again’…  SOOO damned tempting.  But…. nah, no way.  No fancy.  And he had searched me out from the yearbook and got in touch and treated me so sweetly but he was so fucking safe and couldn’t take a chance getting lost on country roads and he was too stuck in his straight-backed propriety and there was no animal in him at all.

And crazy as it sounds, I keep saving myself for ~ what?  Who?  Just because OTL said the magic things?  I am still so aware that he’s changed too.  He says that he loves my pics, and he can still smell patchouli and hone in on me.  He’s not the same.  I’M not the same.  Shit.  Now you’ve got me thinking again.

Yes Raul ~ maybe ~ No Raul ~ maybe I’ve taken too much mystery out.  Yes Raul ~ definitely and no Raul, I don’t know if I could cross that line.

Did I tell you about my summers between college and my FWB?  I’m sure I did.  How amazing it was.  But with you, there is more to it.  I’ve let you in.  I COULDN’T fall in love with my FWB and he couldn’t fall in love with me so we laughed and frolicked all summer(s) long.  And never looked back.

It was all about the sex ~ excellent sex.  Fun sex.  Catch-me-if-you-can sex.  Right here right now sex.  Back seat sex. Roadside sex. Under landing planes at a little airport sex.  Kitchen table sex. Rubbing on the living room floor sex…  ala Jimmy Buffett, of course.

I’ve thought it.  I’d be dead if I hadn’t.  And you are so damned safe with your menagerie of beauties and me still being seventeen and fresh.  With you I get to play that same vixen that I get to play with OTL, that enticing memory but with a bit more panache.

So, in my roundabout way of saying this, it would have to be all about chemistry.  And maybe a very dark room so we could feel one another and I could feel beautiful… or not… I sometimes think that I am too damaged to even do that but that is my fantasy.

A bucket of sweet champagne, very faint candle or fire light, taste sensations like melting chocolate, DelMarVa strawberries, spicy ceviche or mussels that drip, and drip well…  darkness, quiet conversations that evolve.  A tantric start ~ maybe a little bit of herb, yes a little bit of herb ~ and darkness, touching.

Oh yeah, I haven’t forgotten that sensuality.  That swimming in a pool at night with the lights under the water and the feel of water and air on my naked skin.  Yes I think of it a lot.  And I love to remember it.  But like I told you, this door has only been opened for a select number of lovers and that guillotine sensation that slams down whenever I try to test the boundaries… It’s happened a few times more than I’d like.

Why? I think that’s one major reason why I don’t smoke pot any more.  I love it too much. It is in that Pandora’s Box of deliciously decadent things that I could do insanely until the end of time, losing all concentration on anything but yep, skin contact, feeling relaxed and uninhibited, sensual pleasures.  Like most people, I would imagine.  Nice, calm, cool, collected on the outside while raw and just a little mad on the inside.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I’m writing this at 4.00 on Saturday afternoon with a handful of teenage boys racing around shadow boxing and sparring and I am able to focus on my carnal desires.  Strange balance.

I’m going to go play mama/carer now and think about this.  And remember what it was like back in the day when there were no constraints and I could frolic all day and all night long…  I’m restless and uneasy.  Who knows the answer but thanks for the question.  Delicious.

besos y sensacional pensamientos carnales

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On the heels of my positive article called Why I Like To Date Divorced Men, I now want to disclose the top three things that turn me off some divorced DADS.  Please read that again -  I said SOME divorced DADS.  And no, this is not meant to undermine the positive stuff I said in my other piece. 

Turn off #1:  They bitch and complain about having to pay child support and/or alimony. There are very good reasons why the laws are the way they are and men are required to pay support.  Do they always seem fair?  No.  Can it make life challenging, if not downright tough for awhile?  Absolutely.  But there are two sides to every story in divorce, and quite frankly, no matter how a man tries to convince me he’s been totally screwed over, I don’t buy it.   He has financial obligations to his children – PERIOD.  If he has to pay spousal, those are his responsibilities too.  If the situation is truly THAT unjust, he should bring it before a judge.  Otherwise, he needs to accept that this is the way it will be in the short term, stop complaining and MOVE ON. 

I know it can be really hard to be a divorced dad – in many ways.  And I know it sucks having to get up every single day, go off to work, deal with that stress, only to juggle parenting with doing laundry, exercising, cooking meals, and running errands.  But that doesn’t abdicate you from your financial responsibilities.  Nor does it give you free reign to devalue your ex and her life; who are you to put a dollar amount on her head?  Why should you complain about paying her to validate the busyness of your life?  Your personal happiness is not based solely on what’s in your wallet so stop acting like she took away your soul.  I want to know that your spiritual evolution has surpassed the value you place upon your wallet.

Turn off #2:  They sing the woes of being a ‘single dad’, when in fact, what they REALLY are is a ‘part-time dad.’  A single dad is a man who has half-custody or more of his children.  He really understands what goes into being a parent and understands the challenges and complexities of his job.  A man who sees his kids every other weekend or in any part-time capacity does not merit that single dad status.  Whether he knows it not, his ex’s parenting responsibilities far supersede his and are deserving of respect.  Chances are, he doesn’t even know what half of them are.

Turn off #3:  Part-time dads who attempt to bow out of their scheduled time with their kids – and are self-righteous about it.  Men who say their kids are important but don’t show it through actions don’t have their priorities straight.  I find it shocking how many men religiously carve time to go to the gym or promptly attend business meetings, or participate in monthly golf tournaments, yet they are consistently late and/or cancelling when it comes to their scheduled time with their kids.  I’m not saying it isn’t challenging at times.  But in the end, we always make time for that which is truly important to us, so excuses become nothing more than lame-assed excuses very quickly.  If a man wants to gripe and complain instead of tackling his new life challenges with  intelligence, integrity and a sense of humour, sorry – I don’t play the violin; life is too short to listen to the non-stop whining. 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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Recently my friend Sheila had the opportunity to go home with a lovely young man from a bar.  We’d all been out for a rare night of drinking and dancing and as the evening wore on, her engine got all revved up:  “Just look at all those beautiful shoulders!” she exclaimed.  ”HELL-O!”  So how pleased was she when a 30-year-old, soon-to-be cop bought her a drink and zoomed in for the kill.

Now my friend has nothing against the concept of sex without love – especially since her heart isn’t up for grabs at this point post-divorce.  She knows she has NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology. 

Nonetheless, she rejected this young man.  She came close…but she couldn’t quite thrust herself across the line.  In the aftermath, she wondered, “What stopped me?  What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?” 

Here’s what she came up with – with the help of her girlfriends, of course.  And please add any thoughts or rules of your own to the comments below.

The first thing that can influence a woman’s decision is time.  How much of it, or little of it, has she and he spent together during the evening?  Even if she only wants him for one night, she  needs time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it. 

In Sheila’s case, he didn’t approach her till 15 minutes before closing.  And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call -  the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’  She likes her one-night stands to have a dash of magic: she wants fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three.  NOT just any “body.”

Secondly, a woman looks for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover.  Oh, we all know you can’t tell a book by its cover, but us women are usually pretty attune to languaging and energetic chemistry.  Sheila looks for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him.  Her will-be-cop didn’t say the right things, even though she offered him the bait.  And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor.  She couldn’t take the risk.

One of my girlfriends said that if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of oral sex, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover.   My friend Sheila has zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex.  And in a one-nighter scenario, she wants a smorgasbord – many helpings of whatever she wants – not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy her. 

Thirdly, a woman will be assessing the  ‘morning after.’  How will she get home?  Is it worth her time and energy?  And what kinds of concessions is he making?  In lSheila’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain.  Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.”  This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing.  It gets back to Sheila needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’  – she wants to feel like he just HAS to have her, whatever the cost, because their chemistry is so intense; they both want the night to go on and on…

Anything to add?  Or is this something you’ve never even thought about? 

Other Articles:

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Laughing.

Making love.

Holding.

Pillow talking…  

No, I’m not sitting here dreaming of falling in love again.   I’m imagining what it would be like to experience a weekend of ‘love without attachment.’  And I wonder:  Might they be a wonderful prescription for our restless/ hurting hearts after divorce? 

Remember when you were in that really bad emotional place? Or maybe you’re there now.  The confusion, the aching, the overwhelm…  Don’t you yearn to turn it off for awhile?  To recharge?  Some part of you aches to find solace in the body and heart of another person.  You long for a FEELING:  Of peace.  Of being 100% authentic, 100% you, wherever you are right now.  No games.  No conditions or future promises.  Just you and this other person, with whom you could laugh, pillow talk to, and love…  

“But Delaine,” you might protest,  “If I shared that kind of connection with someone, I wouldn’t want it to end after a weekend.”  But what if you simply ‘knew’ this relationship could never be more?  What if you knew you weren’t ready for more?  Would you be brave enough to actually ‘love’ another – passionately, openly, purely – knowing it wouldn’t mean forever? 

 I imagine what it would be like in the aftermath of such a weekend…  I think there might there be a twinge of sadness.  For human nature is to grasp tightly to another. We are afraid.  We are needy.  We LONG…

But if we could look beyond our neediness, FEEL beyond that, I think such weekends could lovingly propel our lives forward.  For we’d have been heard.  We’d have been seen and touched on the heart and soul level.  And we would emerge back into the real world freer.  Lighter.  Stronger.  And hopeful of what might lie ahead.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

So what happens is that when I’m having a conversation with a man and I perceive ‘neediness’ on his part – ie: that he needs someone to ‘take care of him’ in some aspect of his life, I literally see black in my mind’s eye.  My bloodstream goes to ice and I get all fidgety.  I have NO interest in going there.

I feel like I’ve spent the past eight years taking care of everyone else but me.  And as unspiritual and self-pitying as this may sound, look where it got me:  I’m now a single stay-at-home mom of three full-time starting over.  For the first time in my life, I want to make my life about ME (and my kids of course).  Me, me ,me, me, me!  Though this may sound cold, I really only see men as serving two purposes in my life:  a bit of entertainment –  and sex.  AGAIN, I’m honest with men from the get-go as to where I’m at.

The enormity of my physical and emotional reaction to men’s neediness really shocks me.  I mean, I know some of these guys are really good guys who, at the core, are looking for someone to love.  My reaction, I fear, is more a statement to myself as to what I think about relationships right now: they are draining, exhausting, and a sure-way to lose my sense of Self.

My fear is that this feeling will never go away.  I keep telling myself that recovering from divorce and infidelity is a process, one that requires time, and thank God I’m giving myself time to find myself instead of throwing myself (hiding) in another relationship.

But I wonder if this is, in fact, a phase or if it’s my new way of seeing men.  I think it’s a phase only.  I mean, last year at this time, I was running around with my heart on my sleeve trying desperately to fall in love and replace my ex.  But The One never appeared and time has moved me forward into this new place of Being.  I’m here for a reason, right?  Is anyone else here?  Should I feel guilty or fearful about it?

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

– My best friend Hali then put her wine glass down on the restaurant table and continued: “So when are you going to stop proving it and move BEYOND it?”

I looked at her confused. “Huh?”

“You’ve done it Delaine – you’ve shown everyone that you can live just fine without a man.  You’ve taken lovers on your terms, you’ve made hard choices, well-made mistakes and you’re all the stronger for them. You’ve even rebounded from your job of eight years as a stay-at-home mom to start a great new career as an author. And all of that is fantastic, and I applaud you louder than anyone else for how far you’ve come. BUT – “

She leaned in and said firmly, “Everyone needs to love and be loved; it’s part of being human. We all want to share our lives, have someone hold us, dream with us. We all need to be touched, to make love, to feel that connection with someone. And as much as you try and deny it, you, my friend, are NO different.”

Her comments threw me.  Why should I stop now? I thought almost defensively.  I still didn’t feel like I’d travelled far ‘enough’, to seriously start thinking about loving another man.

I said: “My life is still precarious Hali. My writing career isn’t established enough and I never want to have to rely financially on a man again. I know that’s hard for you to understand…but you HAD a great career before you had kids. I didn’t. I feel so vulnerable without one.   This is about proving something to ME.”

I continued: “And as for needing someone to hold me and cuddle with me -  I get that from my kids. I start my days with three little bodies climbing and snuggling into bed with me. And that’s enough. I don’t have to worry if some man beside me is pissed cause now he can’t have sex with me, I’m just free to savor those precious moments.   They’re getting older and won’t be jumping in with me forever you know.”

Hali half-smiled and nodded her head – but she wasn’t fully buying it. “I just want you to check in with yourself periodically Delaine to make sure that this is TRULY the course you want to stay on. Cause life ALWAYS feels precarious and unknown in some ways. And at the core, fear of loving might be what’s really holding you back and you don’t even know it.

“I also think being alone can become a habit,” she said. “A person can get used to having the bed to herself, filling up the entire closet with her clothes, and cooking meals for one. Humans are VERY habitual. And I worry that the longer you stay single, the harder being in a new relationship will become for you.”

Over the next couple of days, Hali’s comments kept returning to me. I knew they’d been said love and good intentions. Overall, however, I felt she was ‘off’ – I still hadn’t accomplished or moved ahead ‘enough’ to make loving a man a priority. A great deal of work still lay ahead of me and now was not the time to go all soft.

Nonetheless, her words have still not let me be - they follow me, on my back; like a warrior who doesn’t realize it, but there’s a crack in her armour.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com