Every first step begins with a plan. If you’ve spent time in an abusive relationship getting out means planning for your escape; where you will live, your financial future. While putting your plan together follow the rules below. Keep yourself safe until you can get out of the relationship for good.

1. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you sense you are about to be abused or receive violent treatment. You should avoid rooms that have no exits such as a bathroom or basement and rooms where weapons may be found such as the kitchen.
2. Have a list of people that you consider to be “safe” contacts so you will have someone you can call or go to for help.
3. Always have change with you in case you are stranded and need to make a phone call.Make a list of important phone numbers and memorize them.
4. Create a secret word or sign that you can use so that your family, friends or co-workers will know you need them to call for help.
5. Plan what you will say to your partner if they become abusive or violent.
6. Always remember that you are entitled to live without fear and violence.

Now it is time to set your plan in action. You have to have somewhere to go, a way to support yourself so that your new life gets off to a secure proper beginning. Below are things you need to have in place in order to move on and rebuild your life.

• Leave: You need somewhere to go. If you can’t afford a place of your own find a friend or family member who will allow you to stay with them until you are able to get a place of your own. Or use the legal system to have him removed from the home.You can do this by filing for divorce and petitioning the court for exclusive rights to the marital home. The danger with this strategy is that he will know where you are. You are safer leaving and finding safe harbor with a friend or relative.
• Bank Account: You are going to need an account in your name only. If you’ve been planning correctly you will have this set up with a bit of money in it before you leave. DO NOT set up a new account in the same bank you have a joint account with him. Find a new bank, close to the location you will be living.
• Money: You’re going to need this too. Where can you get it from? All kinds of places; if you work have some of your salary sent to your new bank account. What if he is a financial control freak? All is not lost; collect change from his pockets, save some of the grocery money, do anything you can do and save up. When you are ready to go, don’t throw your wedding ring at him, pawn it! Don’t burn your wedding dress, sell it!

Sell/pawn anything you can get your hands on before you go. Right before you leave (like a few days before) see if you can cash in any mutual funds/savings accounts/CD’s or anything else you jointly own. This is a risky business, so only do it if you are sure he won’t find out until you are gone. Call the financial institution and inquire about redemption procedures, it may be easier than you think.

• Legal help: Yes, you are going to need an attorney. If you haven’t done it already, now would be a good time to go to your local women’s crisis center for information. They will know the law in your State and will be able to help you find legal aid services, offer counseling and assistance with housing, protection orders, child custody, divorce, etc…

Now that you are out or, he is out there are steps you need to take to protect yourself and your new life.

1. If you’re still in the home you shared with your husband change every door lock even if the door was not in use. Your husband may have a key and you don’t want him to be able to get in. Be sure all of the windows are locked.
2. Be sure you change your phone number if you’re still in the home you shared with him. Change it even if you have moved to a new location. Get an unlisted number and do not give it out to anyone you’re not sure you can trust.
3. Get an answering machine so that you can screen your phone calls.
4. Document and keep the records of all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving him in a safe place. You may need those records when contacting support programs for help. You will definitely need those records when seeking legal assistance.
5. If you are confronted by your husband be sure you have an escape plan ready and be prepared to use it.
6. Make sure all meetings with husband are held in a public place. Never agree to a private meeting even if he is being nice to you.
7. Do not follow the same routine every day. Take different routes to and from your home or place of work. Shop at different times and in different locations. Don’t have lunch or dinner in the same place every day.
8. If you have children in school alert them to your situation. Put a plan in place with the school so they will know what to do if trouble arises.
9. Talk to your boss, tell him/her about your situation and make plans in case your husband harasses you at work or shows up. Alert your co-workers and business contacts too.
10. Do your best to avoid being home alone. Don’t go to isolated areas.

I hope you understand the importance of having both a short and long-term plan when attempting to leave an abusive husband. Start making your plans now so that you can get out and stay out either today or down the road. If you don’t, you may well end up dead. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Physical abuse leaves behind bruises and broken bones, while emotional abuse kills the self esteem of the victim. Physical abuse is a situation where the husband beats the wife for little or no reason. Are you subjected to any of the below signs of physical abuse?

• Pushes, grabs or shoves you
• Slaps you
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Chokes you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Burns you
• Bites you
• Ties you up
• Forces you to share needles with others
• Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
• Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
• Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
• Throws objects
• Destroys property or your possessions
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
• Abuses you while you are pregnant
• Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy

If you are in a physically abusive relationship feelings of guilt or fear may prevent you from getting help. But it is important for you to seek help and continue to get help for yourself as long as you need it. Please call the National Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Often a wife is as vulnerable and dependent as the victim of repeated beatings. The behavior patterns of ongoing infidelity often parallel the well-documented stages in the cycle of domestic abuse.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found they common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Infidelity and domestic abuse can both become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.
• The cheating husband may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. And will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.
• The wife suffers from low self-esteem, a sense of worthlessness, a lack of control over her life, a dependency on her husband, and a distorted sense of reality in which she believes that what happens is her fault.
• Women who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse.

If you have become an unwitting victim of domestic abuse due to your husband’s infidelity isn’t it time to break the cycle? Instead of driving yourself to distraction why not face the simple fact that your husband’s infidelity is his choice and that choice was abusive in nature. His choices may leave you with no choice but to end the marriage.

If your husband is cheating, take action. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. Set boundaries and stand by those boundaries. Don’t allow dependence on an unhealthy marriage to tear down your ability to live life on your own terms and free of abuse.

Join the New DWO Community!

Is your life good, are you thankful, playful, do you embrace joy? If so, join the Divorced Women Online Community and give advice and support to those who are new to life after divorce.

Are you struggling to rebuilt your life, are you feeling hopeless and unsure where to go from here? If so, JOIN NOW and connect with others who are walking the same path and learn from those who have, “been there, done that.”

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive marriage is when she tries to leave him - that’s when close to 50% of violent crimes are committed, including homocide.  And to drive this point home, American rapper Eminem (with Rihanna) doesn’t mix words in his dramatic new release, Love The Way You Lie. The rage, the regret, the control patterns - this song portrays it all, finally culminating with these chilling words :

I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Love The Way You Lie, which is now in  its sixth week at the top of music charts,has cast an intense spotlight onto domestic violence and its victims.   Even if you haven’t been phsyically abused, you can’t help but be moved, if not upset, by the power of its lyrics and images – cause this video represents real life for many women;  just check out the comments on Eminem’s website.  Some brought tears to my eyes.

Please remember, if you or someone you know is in danger, call 911 or your local police emergency number.  To find out about help in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE .

Amelia

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Will He Kill Me If I Try To Leave? A Tool To Assess Your Danger

30 Years Ago Would YOU Have Had The Courage To Divorce?

According to security expert Gavin de Becker, who was a recent guest on Oprah, six women die every day in the United States by the hands of their spouse or boyfriend.   When is an abused woman at her greatest risk?   When she attempts to leave him. And Becker wants women to know that a FREE online tool is immediately available to them to help them predict how likely their husbands are to attack, if not kill them.

Developed by a team of experts in psychology, law enforcement, mental health, victims advocacy, prosecution, and threat assignment, MOSAIC is the name of this online assessment tool.  It involves women answering an in-depth check-list to which a broad set of answers are available ( not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ type answers).  Results are then provided on a scale from 1 – 10,  10 being the most dangerous, as well as a report describing the factors considered.  Users identities are totally protected.

Becker says, “Mosaic works by breaking a situation down factor-by-factor, like pieces of a puzzle, and then seeing what picture emerges when you put them together.  It brings attention to factors and combinations of factors that might otherwise go unnoticed.”

The report women receive at the end of the assessment will NOT tell women what to do.  Becker stresses that if any woman needs to leave, she should call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and visit their website at www.TheHotline.org.    The staff at this organization know what they’re doing, and no matter how scared and overwhelmed you may feel, they can know how to help and take care of  important details like what to do with your pets or retrieve money from bank accounts.

Becker’s advice on how to safely leave a violent situation with children

Amelia Delayne

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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30 Years Ago Would YOU Have Had The Courage To Divorce?

POWER: A Scary Reasons Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids

Father’s right activists have been attempting to have Parental Alienation Disorder added to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), the American Psychiatric Association’s “bible” of diagnoses.

The National Organization for Women learned about the effort and is concerned. They have now sent out an Action Alert to counter the campaign. According to NOW’s Tracy Simmons:

I am writing you, the leaders of various groups that represent battered women, for your help in one of the most important matters we will address this year. The American Psychiatric Association is considering adding Parental Alienation to the Diagnosticians book, which would legitimize this legal tactic into a real disorder.

Parental Alienation Syndrome has now morphed into Parental Alienation Disorder thanks to the fathers’ rights organizations who are wildly pushing this through, and why wouldn’t they? It benefits the abuser and discriminates against the victims of abuse, which are overwhelmingly women.

This gender specific, abuse excuse, junk science can not be allowed to enter into the scientific community as there is nothing scientific about a syndrome/disorder whose only symptoms are a uterus, divorce papers, and bruises. I ask that you all to take action against legitimizing this outrageous theory by e-mailing the APA and asking your groups to do the same.

Although I doubt Tracy cares, I’ve a response to her concerns.

1. Why the hell does now push the agenda that most divorced women are victims of domestic abuse? NOW is an organization that I thought promoted independence and equal rights. How can any woman feel independent and equal to a man if she is taught to be the victim and that is what NOW does, they encourage women to become victims.

Some insights for Tracy on divorce. Most divorces are filed by women. Not because those women were victims of domestic abuse but because those women want out of unhappy marriages. Yep, some were victims, some were cheated on most though, they are quitters who have a romanticized idea of what marriage is. They are off out there looking for the “night in shining armor” and while doing so feel they have ownership over their children.

2. Most men who are victims of Parental Alienation are not abusers. They are fathers, good fathers who are dealing with women who use their children as a negotiating tool. They are fathers, faced with the up hill battle of trying to convince some family court judge that they, as a parent have as much right to parent as the mother of their children.

NOW has fought hard for the rights of abused women why not take your head out of your butt and take a look around at reality. Parental Alienation is a form of abuse and women are more likely to attempt to alienate a child from the father than fathers are from the mother. In this case, NOW isn’t speaking out for the victim, instead they are working to protect the abuser. You want to stop the discrimination against the abused, get behind this attempt to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder in the DSM-V.

3. Only someone who has never been a victim of Parental Alienation would refer to it as “junk science.” Although most perpetrators of Parental Alienation are women, some men are also guilty of attempting to alienate a child from a parent.

Take my ex for example. His children are objects to him; objects he wants nothing to do with unless he feels he has full ownership of said object. My son spent 10 months in his custody. During those 10 months, my ex defied the court order pertaining to communication and visitation.

He had my son’s cell phone turned off and purchased a new phone with a new number. A number he refused to give to me. My son was told he was to NEVER answer the home phone. Guess who had no way of communicating weekly with her son, even though the court order gave me that privilege.

My ex was court ordered to share with me all medical information. He refused, going as far as not contacting me when my son spent a week in the hospital. Something I knew nothing about until after the fact and then he did everything in his power to keep me from getting medical records from the doctors who cared for my son.

NOW has a skewed view of divorce and what takes place before, during and after a divorce. They also have a skewed view of what equality actually is. Equality is about ALL PEOPLE being treated equally…especially the children.

When it comes to Parental Alienation the focus should not be on the abuser or the victim, it should be on the children who have the right to equal time with both Mom and Dad. That won’t happen until Parental Alienation is viewed by the Family Court System as a recognized psychiatric disorder.

And believe it or not that happening has nothing to do with whether or not you have a uterus or have been a victim of domestic abuse. Most mothers put their children’s needs first. Most fathers do the same. Those who are victims of the mother and father who doesn’t, need to be armed with ammunition to fight back. Thanks to these Father’s Rights groups hopefully we will soon have that ammunition.

If you are interested in support the effort to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder click here.

He did not set out to be abusive.  He felt that punching a wall was an acceptable way of getting rid of his anger.  He and I both believed that we were lucky that he had such good self control when we’d look at the hole in the door.  It was so out-of-character for him to feel so much rage.

Those things happened even before we started our family, but on such a rare occurrence that it didn’t appear to be an abusive trait, never him and not to me… I loved him and I accommodated him so that he might not feel that rage again. 

But by accommodating him, in hindsight I was enabling him.  When I could feel his fires lighting up, I’d tone them down by cooking his favourite foods or making sure the house was extra clean.  I’d tiptoe instead of dance ~ just to keep his home life calm.

Eventually that was how we lived.  When visitors would drop in I’d apologise for the mess of crayons on the table or a basket of unfolded clothes freshly in from the clothesline.  He’d look around in disgust, giving me the evil eye that I knew would result in his icy silence for the rest of the week.  As the years rolled on those silences were occasionally predated by smashing his guitar through our dining room table or damaging more doors.  We lived with our breaths held.  I had set the precedence and that was how it was.

I am not taking all of the blame here but I am taking on part of it.  Initially he was never a bad man.  He never started out to be abusive.  And had I known then what I know now, I’d have turned him around and told him to come back when he felt nicer, just as I did with our children.  But I didn’t do it that way.  And in my tender ministrations, I gave him permission to behave like a spoiled child.  In my attempts to appease the situation, I set the stage for his resentment to own our relationship.

I pray that I have done better with my sons, that they will respect women and be able to handle their moods, to talk about problems and to grow.  I pray that my daughter has the wisdom to see where the roads divide and takes the higher ground, the one where we demand the respect that we deserve. Now that I am older and supposedly wiser, I no longer accept that the demise of us was all HIS doing.  I had my hand in that too…

~Maya~

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