In the community Leanne left the following comment – please read and offer her your advice:

Long story short: Married 6 together 10, 2 little girls (1 teen son from previous relationship), we are both in our early 30′s. Things, upon reflecting back over the years, were never really that great between us. My husband tried way to hard in the beginning to “win me over” when I resisted getting into a R, and I liked the security and comfort I felt I had being with him, and decided to continue- and eventually we moved in together. 4 Years later, we had our first little angel daughter together, and 2 years later our second.

There was emotional/financial abuse and control throughout the relationship and it seemed to worsen during my pregnancy with our first daughter – he was gone a lot and treated me cold when he was around.

So this went on for years, me feeling alone and in great emotional pain because he had no interest in changing or working with me to improve anything, he saw it as I was the problem, I was overreacting, I was making a big deal out of nothing..yadda yadda. Eventually a friend gave me a book to read on Emotional Abuse and I cried as I read my reality on the pages.

He has made some progress over the years in that area, but tends toward controlling behaviors at times, especially when we are in this limbo land battling about the idea of divorce and how it will go.

I am financialy dependent on him, I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 7 years, and am currently completing an online diploma- but i have no financial means to support myself in the interm, to get a vehicle, a rental place or anything. I am torn up in knots at the thought of breaking up my kids home, and the thought of packing my things and walking out the door is unbearable to me. They have known me to be here as the constant care provider- and will be lost if I leave. I can’t bear the thought of them crying and begging me not to go..it’s all too much.

My husband refused to leave our home, and says if I want out I have to leave- he WILL NOT leave. SO that is where it is at- and I just need some other perspectives from women who have been in my shoes, I feel trapped and terrified. I can’t bear to put my children through the separation of the only family they have known, but I also, at this point can’t imagine staying with my H for much longer. The love has been gone for a long while- I haven’t said I love you in over 2 years, and I feel dried up and drained with nothing left to give. I just ache to be free, on my own, on my own terms without marital discord and stress wearing me down. How on earth do I make this decision??

So, what should Leanne do? Please offer your advice here.

Every first step begins with a plan. If you’ve spent time in an abusive relationship getting out means planning for your escape; where you will live, your financial future. While putting your plan together follow the rules below. Keep yourself safe until you can get out of the relationship for good.

1. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you sense you are about to be abused or receive violent treatment. You should avoid rooms that have no exits such as a bathroom or basement and rooms where weapons may be found such as the kitchen.
2. Have a list of people that you consider to be “safe” contacts so you will have someone you can call or go to for help.
3. Always have change with you in case you are stranded and need to make a phone call.Make a list of important phone numbers and memorize them.
4. Create a secret word or sign that you can use so that your family, friends or co-workers will know you need them to call for help.
5. Plan what you will say to your partner if they become abusive or violent.
6. Always remember that you are entitled to live without fear and violence.

Now it is time to set your plan in action. You have to have somewhere to go, a way to support yourself so that your new life gets off to a secure proper beginning. Below are things you need to have in place in order to move on and rebuild your life.

• Leave: You need somewhere to go. If you can’t afford a place of your own find a friend or family member who will allow you to stay with them until you are able to get a place of your own. Or use the legal system to have him removed from the home.You can do this by filing for divorce and petitioning the court for exclusive rights to the marital home. The danger with this strategy is that he will know where you are. You are safer leaving and finding safe harbor with a friend or relative.
• Bank Account: You are going to need an account in your name only. If you’ve been planning correctly you will have this set up with a bit of money in it before you leave. DO NOT set up a new account in the same bank you have a joint account with him. Find a new bank, close to the location you will be living.
• Money: You’re going to need this too. Where can you get it from? All kinds of places; if you work have some of your salary sent to your new bank account. What if he is a financial control freak? All is not lost; collect change from his pockets, save some of the grocery money, do anything you can do and save up. When you are ready to go, don’t throw your wedding ring at him, pawn it! Don’t burn your wedding dress, sell it!

Sell/pawn anything you can get your hands on before you go. Right before you leave (like a few days before) see if you can cash in any mutual funds/savings accounts/CD’s or anything else you jointly own. This is a risky business, so only do it if you are sure he won’t find out until you are gone. Call the financial institution and inquire about redemption procedures, it may be easier than you think.

• Legal help: Yes, you are going to need an attorney. If you haven’t done it already, now would be a good time to go to your local women’s crisis center for information. They will know the law in your State and will be able to help you find legal aid services, offer counseling and assistance with housing, protection orders, child custody, divorce, etc…

Now that you are out or, he is out there are steps you need to take to protect yourself and your new life.

1. If you’re still in the home you shared with your husband change every door lock even if the door was not in use. Your husband may have a key and you don’t want him to be able to get in. Be sure all of the windows are locked.
2. Be sure you change your phone number if you’re still in the home you shared with him. Change it even if you have moved to a new location. Get an unlisted number and do not give it out to anyone you’re not sure you can trust.
3. Get an answering machine so that you can screen your phone calls.
4. Document and keep the records of all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving him in a safe place. You may need those records when contacting support programs for help. You will definitely need those records when seeking legal assistance.
5. If you are confronted by your husband be sure you have an escape plan ready and be prepared to use it.
6. Make sure all meetings with husband are held in a public place. Never agree to a private meeting even if he is being nice to you.
7. Do not follow the same routine every day. Take different routes to and from your home or place of work. Shop at different times and in different locations. Don’t have lunch or dinner in the same place every day.
8. If you have children in school alert them to your situation. Put a plan in place with the school so they will know what to do if trouble arises.
9. Talk to your boss, tell him/her about your situation and make plans in case your husband harasses you at work or shows up. Alert your co-workers and business contacts too.
10. Do your best to avoid being home alone. Don’t go to isolated areas.

I hope you understand the importance of having both a short and long-term plan when attempting to leave an abusive husband. Start making your plans now so that you can get out and stay out either today or down the road. If you don’t, you may well end up dead. Please call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Physical abuse leaves behind bruises and broken bones, while emotional abuse kills the self esteem of the victim. Physical abuse is a situation where the husband beats the wife for little or no reason. Are you subjected to any of the below signs of physical abuse?

• Pushes, grabs or shoves you
• Slaps you
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Chokes you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Burns you
• Bites you
• Ties you up
• Forces you to share needles with others
• Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
• Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
• Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
• Throws objects
• Destroys property or your possessions
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
• Abuses you while you are pregnant
• Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy

If you are in a physically abusive relationship feelings of guilt or fear may prevent you from getting help. But it is important for you to seek help and continue to get help for yourself as long as you need it. Please call the National Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

He did not set out to be abusive.  He felt that punching a wall was an acceptable way of getting rid of his anger.  He and I both believed that we were lucky that he had such good self control when we’d look at the hole in the door.  It was so out-of-character for him to feel so much rage.

Those things happened even before we started our family, but on such a rare occurrence that it didn’t appear to be an abusive trait, never him and not to me… I loved him and I accommodated him so that he might not feel that rage again. 

But by accommodating him, in hindsight I was enabling him.  When I could feel his fires lighting up, I’d tone them down by cooking his favourite foods or making sure the house was extra clean.  I’d tiptoe instead of dance ~ just to keep his home life calm.

Eventually that was how we lived.  When visitors would drop in I’d apologise for the mess of crayons on the table or a basket of unfolded clothes freshly in from the clothesline.  He’d look around in disgust, giving me the evil eye that I knew would result in his icy silence for the rest of the week.  As the years rolled on those silences were occasionally predated by smashing his guitar through our dining room table or damaging more doors.  We lived with our breaths held.  I had set the precedence and that was how it was.

I am not taking all of the blame here but I am taking on part of it.  Initially he was never a bad man.  He never started out to be abusive.  And had I known then what I know now, I’d have turned him around and told him to come back when he felt nicer, just as I did with our children.  But I didn’t do it that way.  And in my tender ministrations, I gave him permission to behave like a spoiled child.  In my attempts to appease the situation, I set the stage for his resentment to own our relationship.

I pray that I have done better with my sons, that they will respect women and be able to handle their moods, to talk about problems and to grow.  I pray that my daughter has the wisdom to see where the roads divide and takes the higher ground, the one where we demand the respect that we deserve. Now that I am older and supposedly wiser, I no longer accept that the demise of us was all HIS doing.  I had my hand in that too…

~Maya~

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Her ex was at her house doing pick up of their kids the past weekend when it happened.

She and her three kids were over at the school yard finishing a quick game of soccer in the snow. Suddenly, her eldest son, now eight, tripped her daughter by accident.

“Kyle,” she said to him, “You have to avoid all body contact with your sister. She’s only four and you’re twice her weight so even a slight elbow will send her flying.”

“Sorry mom, sorry Janet,” he replied.

Meanwhile, her ex stood by watching and listening in.

Soccer match over, they all headed towards his truck; it was time to go. The boys were running ahead, laughing and battling over the soccer ball, when Kyle accidentally tripped his brother.

Her ex came in for the kill.

“Jesus Christ Kyle!” He yelled. “You were told not to do that two minutes ago and instead of listening, you do it again!”

Kyle looked at him and bowed his head.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You can’t listen or what? You shouldn’t have to be told twice not to do something. You LISTEN the first time, got it?”

She watched Kyle from behind as he recommenced walking towards the truck. His shoulders were hunched over, his chin bowed; she knew he was crying.

Her ex continued. “Get in the truck – where are you going? Get over here. And stop your damn crying!”

Kyle walked up to him, chin down. “Dad,“ he began softly, “I didn’t do it on purpose. I was just trying to stop the ball-”

“I DON’T CARE. Get in the truck and Jesus, would you stop your damn crying.”

As her ex walked around the truck,she leaned into the backseat to where Kyle was now seated. He ducked his head into her chest, “I really didn’t do it on purpose Mom.”

“It’s OK,” she whispered. “I know that.” She looked him in the eyes and repeated, “I know it was an accident Kyle.”

Her ex stuck his head in the truck. “You still crying?” he bellowed. “Stop being a baby and do up your sister’s seat belt.”

Kyle jumped to do his bidding, while she strapped her other son, Evan, into his car seat. “See mom?” Whispered Evan. “Dad always tells us to shut up when we cry. I told you that, remember?”

“I know honey,” she whispered. “And it’s NOT OK. “ She kissed him on the cheek and looked him in the eyes. “You take care of your brother. You be there for him this weekend, OK?”

Her daughter was now in tears on the other side of the truck. “Mommy,” she said softly, tears trickling down her cheeks. “Please can I have a hug?”

She walked around to the other side of the truck and reached in to hug her. She simultaneously hugged Kyle in the middle seat and whispered: “I love you guys. I’ll call you tomorrow, I promise.”

She then walked to her front porch and turned around to see her ex with his head turned to the backseat; he was saying something to Kyle. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but she could see Kyle’s chin going deeper and deeper into his chest…

Her ex is a bully. He’s verbally abusive. It’s taken her a long time to actually be able to say that – it seemed such a horrible label…

But it’s true. And when they were married, he treated her like that. She let him put her down, chew her up, use that awful tone. But being an adult, she at least had a fighting chance to stand up to him. And whenever he’d treated her children that way, she was there to buffer it. In those situations he’d turn on her and sneer: “Stop being an overprotective hen for F*** sake.” And she’d back away and focus on dealing with her children’s wounds.

But now she’s free…but she’s not there to protect her kids. She’s not there to take the brunt of his name-calling, his sarcasm, his yelling. Her kids are on their own. And her sons, particularly her eldest, is getting it the worst.

Her ex has no idea what constitutes age-appropriate behaviour – he never has. And if situations requiring discipline arise, he uses bad language and is belittling instead of speaking firmly yet kindly. And for their kids, who spend 95% of their time with her, it is a HUGE shock.

She has been to see a child psychologist. She tried to get her ex to go too, but he said, “Oh, the kids are FINE.” So she went to see her alone and bawled like a baby as she brought up incident after incident. “How do I stop him?” She begged. “How can I make him see that what he’s doing is damaging our kids?”

“Unfortunately, unless he’s drawing blood or is an alcoholic or drug addict, there’s no legal recourse. But I can give you some techniques to teach your kids that will help buffer the damage he’s doing…”

And so she has sat with her kids, talking, explaining, teaching them how to handle their father’s bully’ish behaviour. Her ex continues on as he was, self-unaware, convinced parenting is the easiest job in the world, kicking his kids into shape, while she does damage control…

She feels so helpless…

Delaine