First and foremost, the best way to help your friend through a divorce or, indeed, the decision making process, is simply to spend time with them. The thing that they will likely need most is either an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, so just being there for them – whether it is in person or on the phone – is of utmost importance. It will not only show a sign of solidarity for you as friends, but it will also make them feel more solid as an individual.

So many unhappy people can become scared of divorce because they have nobody to turn to, nobody to support them through it, so it always helps to make it known to them that you are there if they need you.

Buying gifts for her might be a nice way to cheer her up in the short term – bunches of flowers direct to the door never fail to bring a smile to somebody’s face. Flowers, as you probably know, can have many different connotations, so you will need to be careful about picking the right ones for the situation (assuming that recipient is aware of the symbolism behind certain flowers!).

Even if giving a gift or two means that she starts thinking of thank you gift ideas for just being there for her as a friend, at least you have gone some way to taking her mind off the divorce. After all, that is one of the reasons for which they might want you there as a friend. They might want to talk about it in depth or they might want to talk about everything but the divorce so they can enjoy themselves again – either way, if you’re there every step of the way, they’ll feel more confident about making one of the toughest decisions life can throw up.

Image courtesy of Jeroen van Oostrom.

Then – 3/2/2004

“Journal question – Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior?

I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  I need to keep repeating the 3 C’s to myself:

I didn’t cause it

I can’t control it

I can’t cure it

Journal question – How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

I think I still have a hard time removing myself from the equation.  It’s hard to stop wondering why he’s in the mood he’s in and if it has to do with me;  stop worrying about how he’s behaving and look at myself to see how I’m behaving.  Am I being true to myself?  Am I letting someone else affect my behavior, thoughts and feelings?  It doesn’t mean that I do not have compassion for anyone; it should mean that I have no control over the good or bad that is going on with them.”

Now – 5/22/2011

It’s amazing how the universe sends you a message through various people and each time you ignore the message, someone else shows up to repeat it.  People had mentioned that I should go to Al-Anon and my answer was “He should be going to meetings, not me.  I don’t have a problem other than his problem.”  So I fought the idea, assumed that I was smart enough to figure this all out on my own and ignored every suggestion.  Then my therapist mentioned Al-Anon and my mother and a friend and……so eventually I went to my first meeting to shut everyone up.  7 years later I can say that the program saved my life.

Answering those questions in my journal was the beginning of learning to keep the focus on myself, the end of my role as a victim and the end of my belief that I could handle everything on my own.  If I was answering a question about what I believed or thought or felt, I wasn’t totally focused on him….ah ha!

I was slowly admitting to myself that my life had become unmanageable and I was willing to take a look at what worked for other people in similar situations.

Next week – Is it really a disease?

Question

Dear Shelley,

I am in a nine-year marriage marriage and there is no love left between us.  All we do is argue, we can’t communicate, there is no intimacy whatsoever, and I am currently unemployed.

I don’t know how I can support myself if I divorce him.  There are no jobs in my city. It is really exhausting keeping this relationiship going.  I’m tired of him and  really don’t care about him anymore. What should I do?

Lori

Answer:

Dear Lori,

What do you want to do?  What do you want the rest of your life to look like?  How could you support yourself? Have you looked into employment yet?  Have you considered other towns?  Have you considered further training in areas of the economy where they are hiring?  Like health-care? Have you truly looked at all the options out there?  Have you exhausted your research?

So I’ve finally reached the point where I’m not totally embarrassed of the fact that I’ve been living in Low-Income Hell since March; that’s when my ex-husband lost his job and my child AND spousal support went up in smoke – overnight.

It’s been hard.  REALLY hard.  I’ve laid awake many a night stressing over how me and the kids would get by this summer.  From the get-go, it made no sense to me to return to work full-time after eight years of being a stay-at-home mom; any income generated would barely pay for my (devastated) kids to be in full-time day care.  Instead I’ve buckled down, gotten creative, asked for help and stretched my meagre Emergency Fund money a really long way.  And you know what I just realized?  School is just around the corner – and I DID it:  I made sure my kids had a darn good summer despite everything  AND I was there for them every step of the way (patting Self on back). 

I have been humbled tremendously by this experience.  And believe me, I’m still not out of the financial dump yet.  But this experience has made me see how I’ve taken so much for granted.  I’ve discovered joys and blessings and a whole new sense of gratitude for what I DO have.  And in the big picture, I can see how, on a global level, this recession is creating a positive lifestyle change that is much-needed for our environment.

Truly, these past five months have been about SURVIVAL.  I’ve had to extend myself in many new ways while wrestling with my mountain of fears.  Thus, I wanted to share some of ways I’ve skinned back on my expenses and minimized my kids’ suffering  in case any of you are braving Low-Income Hell, like me:

1)      I applied for subsidized programs and activities for the kids.  Please see this article where I outline how to find them in your community so your kids can still do sports.

2)      Use kijiji.com or kijiji.ca to make postings on items you need, but can’t afford.  It could be anything from a lawn mower to kids’ sporting equipment.

3)      Sell anything you don’t need on E-bay – jewellery, books, children’s toys, electronics, even maternity bras.  Check them out, you’ll be surprised.

4)      Change grocery stores.  My grocery shopping is now a two-hour venture instead of one, but the savings I receive at Superstore verses Safeway or Coop are immense.

5)      I cancelled ALL ‘extras’ – no more babysitters, no vitamins, no filtered water by the gallon, no taking the kids to the movies or out for dinner, etc.

6)      I asked some still-employed friends for hand-me-down clothes for the kids; they’d have gone to Good Will anyways, which is what I always did back in ‘The Day.’

7)      I gave up all my extras – no more gym membership (walks in the park work just as well), no new clothes, no dinners out (except for tea).  As for my vanity, I gave up hair cuts and replaced full highlights with but six foils across the top.  Talk to your hairdresser – she’ll advise you on ways you can save.

8)      I stopped feeding every kid in the neighbourhood when they played at my house.  This was a big one for me – I’ve always loved how the kids congregate at my house; feeding them was my pleasure.  Sometimes I still whip out the apron and bake something simple cause it’s still cost effective.

9)      Unplugging everything electronic is now simply a natural part of my night time routine.

10)  I changed and reduced my phone plans.

11)  I read blogs like Suddenly Frugal to learn about other great ways to save.

One other important thing:  I’ve explained, and continue to explain, my financial situation to my young kids, aged 8,7,and 5.   I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t want to frighten them.  But I needed them to understand that changes were underway and that they’d be required to help out.  On their initiative, they then went out and started doing REALLY small jobs for neighbours (ie: collecting their mail) to try and earn money.   Their efforts only lasted a day – but bless their tender young hearts, they tried to give it to me (though of course, I didn’t accept!)

Blessings and abundance to you all.  Let’s hope this ebb ends soon and the flow comes on strong! 

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Other Articles:

Sexual Adventure: Less Than A Bump & A Grind

Not Looking For Love

Why Say Mean Things?