Question:

Dear Shelley:

Five years ago my husband started an affair with my very best friend in the whole world.  My husband felt neglected by me which, in a sense, was true – with menopause and other issues I was going through, I sort of ended up in this black hole.

During this time, he has left on and off.  He’d tell me he broke it off with her but then I’d found out they were talking again. Her and I? I could kill her.  We have been in physical fights and horrible mouthy fights.  Lies…oh the lies… just because we knew each other so well.

My husband left a year and a half ago and hasn’t returned since.  We still had sex weekly until a couple months ago when I just went crazy again.  He swears he feels no love for my best friend…but same towards me.  He wants to put himself first now.  Do his thing.  Be happy for him. etc We have a 14 year old together that has been crushed by all of this. 

My husband says he does not want a divorce.  I can’t move on.  I want no one else.  I love him deeply. Yes, even after all this.

What do I do?  How do I try to find a place in my life where I can be semi happy?  I don’t know who or what I am.  I hate her and blame her.  I know he is just as guilty.  But, damn girlfriends do not mess with their friends man!!

Any advice?  Words of wisdom?  Anything?

Rachel

Answer:

Rachel-

Why are you subjecting yourself to this abuse?  That’s the question you really want to ask.  He wants to live his own life but he doesn’t want to give you a divorce?  Where exactly does that leave you?   Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?  As far as I can see you have placed yourself in a very toxic environment and it is costing you big-time.  Why?  Don’t you think you are good enough?  Don’t you think you deserve better?  This situation is a call to action for you, an event that allows you to do some real self-assessment  and clean up all the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying around for so long.

Boundaries declare what we are willing to accept and not in our lives and they define who we are.  Victims have no boundaries and allow people to run over them and then blame others.  They take no responsibility for their own lives.  Heroines declare no to bad behavior from others and claim full responsibility for their lives and their futures.  be a heroine. Rewrite your divorce story from one of victimhood to one of freedom.

You and only you can make the difference in your life.  You get to make choices that will either move you forward or keep you stuck; choices that honor you or harm you; choices that empower you or weaken you.  You get to choose. You and only you,

Take back control of your life.  That’s your answer. Decide on how you want to be treated, how you want to live and take action on those fronts.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

It wasn’t until ‘she’ phoned in the middle of the night that Pam became suspicious.  The woman was obviously drunk, her voice a string of slurs.  And when Pam asked, “Who is this?”, all she got heard was “(Giggles) Just a friend…(click).”

The next day, Pam confronted her husband.  Completely taken off guard, he insisted they were “only friends.”  As the confrontation progressed, that soon changed to ”OK, so we were really good friends.”   By the end, he’d even finally gone so far as to admit that “YES…there was ONE time that we kissed.  But I SWEAR we never slept together.”

And what did Pam do with this info?  Why, what any wife/mother of young children who is in total shock would do: she believed him…

…until she told her best friend what had happened.  She then heard from her girlfriend the words she feared most:   “I think he’s lying, Pam.   He said he only kissed her?  That makes no sense  - who stops at a kiss?   Maybe if he was ten years old…but a full-grown man?  A man who knows how good sex feels?  I don’t think so.  Especially since they were supposedly such “good friends.”"

It was at this point that Pam realized that she’d never hear the full truth through her husband; nor would sleuthing through phone records or emails concretely answer her questions.  In her mind, there was only one risky choice still available to her: confront the other woman.

Part of you might immediately think Pam’s choice was crazy.  I mean, aren’t you suddenly envisioning two women screaming and rolling around in a cat fight?  How could such a scene NOT happen?  By all practical reasoning, wasn’t Pam setting herself up for more hurt… more drama?

But Pam had more guts and smarts than I gave her credit for.   A scene or an emotional release was not her objective whatsoever; getting answers WAS. She knew she needed to be calm, inoffensive, even compassionate when she spoke to her.  She was even prepared to cry and pull on the other woman’s heart strings if necessary.  She also knew that time was of the essence: she had to move NOW while everyone’s emotions were high and her husband and this woman hadn’t had time to collaborate stories.  And off she went, pride in her stomach, to the ’other woman’s' work place – a bar…

At first, the woman kept saying that she and Pam’s husband were just really good friends; that they were important to each other, and had helped each other through some hard patches. But there was ‘something’ in this woman’s eyes – (hurt?) -  that caused Pam to press on – patiently.  Compassionately.  And eventually, the thread of truth started unravelling from this woman’s tongue:  they HAD slept together, though “not often.”  But ‘frequency’ didn’t even matter.  Pam now knew her husband was a liar and a cheater.

Pam and her husband are now two years into their separation.  And Pam, who has weathered her divorce with the heart of a lion, and strength of a warrior, can’t help but grin when she thinks back on that confrontation in the bar.  ”I still can’t believe I did that,” she says.  “Where the hell did I find the balls?”

And I smile.  It’s amazing how people’s true colors shine through during crises, don’t you think?

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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