1.     Don’t ignore the situation
As hard as it may be to hear that your partner is seeking a divorce the best advice is always never to bury your head in the sand about it. As soon as you receive correspondence from your partner’s solicitor, or in some cases divorce papers, you need to find your own solicitor and begin proceedings.

2.     Ask for help
As well as legal help you are also going to need emotional support to get you through this stressful time. Friends and family will always be there for you but a trained counsellor can also provide much needed comfort. A good solicitor will be able to put you in touch with a counsellor if you don’t know where to start looking for one.

3.     Do not move out unless it is necessary
By moving out you will lose vital negotiating power in deciding what ultimately will happen to the family home. If the final decision is to sell the house and you are not living there at the time you will also lose some control over the sale.

4.     Don’t mess with the finances
If a friend or family member is in need of money it is important not to be too generous whilst the divorce settlement is being discussed as if funds are given to someone else this could be seen as trying to put money beyond their reach, which would be very unfair.

5.     Don’t bring the children into your argument
Emotions can be all over the place at this time but it is important never to speak badly of your partner in front of your children as the last thing you want to happen is for this to affect their relationship with the other parent.

6.     Every break up is different
It may be helpful to talk to friends or family members about their experience of divorce but remember what happened to them may not happen to you. Divorce is dealt with on a case by case basis as some marriage break downs are dealt with much easier and quicker than others.

7.     Save money by doing things yourself
The more you discuss the situation and work out a solution without legal help the less it will cost financially as solicitors will charge by the hour and many things can be done by yourself.

8.     Don’t listen to assumed myths
There are many assumptions that people make during a relationship breakdown such as the mother always gets custody of the children and couples who live together that aren’t married have the same rights as a married couple. Talk your concerns through with your solicitor and don’t assume anything.

9.     Don’t take things out of perspective
Ringing your solicitor to inform them of every little thing your partner does wrong can be costly and won’t necessarily change the outcome of children’s custody or the splitting of finances. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in such circumstances but try to keep focused on the final settlement. And finally…

10.  Listen to your lawyer
Your divorce solicitor may not always tell you exactly what you want to hear but they will certainly do their best in achieving the best possible outcome for you based on their years of experience dealing with cases.
 

Question

Dear Shelley,

I am in a nine-year marriage marriage and there is no love left between us.  All we do is argue, we can’t communicate, there is no intimacy whatsoever, and I am currently unemployed.

I don’t know how I can support myself if I divorce him.  There are no jobs in my city. It is really exhausting keeping this relationiship going.  I’m tired of him and  really don’t care about him anymore. What should I do?

Lori

Answer:

Dear Lori,

What do you want to do?  What do you want the rest of your life to look like?  How could you support yourself? Have you looked into employment yet?  Have you considered other towns?  Have you considered further training in areas of the economy where they are hiring?  Like health-care? Have you truly looked at all the options out there?  Have you exhausted your research?

Submitted by Delaine

No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some, just check out Big Little Wolf’s post on the subject of women, relationships and money…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him? Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.”

Of the opinions I heard, two things were very clear:  First, this was a highly personal and sensitive subject.  The fear of being judged as ‘superficial’  was great.  As one friend put it, “If I say that money IS important, everyone assumes I’m a gold-digger and I’m not.  I just don’t want to invite more hardship or complications into my life.”

Second, it was obvious that many personal factors had  molded my friends’ unique opinions:  ie, whether they were moms/non-mothers, whether they’d maintained solid careers throughout their marriages or not, whether their hearts had been broken by infidelity, whether money had been an issue while married, etc.

So I’m putting the question out to you.  Does the size of a man’s wallet matter to you as you date again or not?  Why? My objective is not to start a war but to table an important issue that we all have feelings about, even if we don’t voice them aloud –  for whatever reaon.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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