Question

Dear Shelley,

I am in a nine-year marriage marriage and there is no love left between us.  All we do is argue, we can’t communicate, there is no intimacy whatsoever, and I am currently unemployed.

I don’t know how I can support myself if I divorce him.  There are no jobs in my city. It is really exhausting keeping this relationiship going.  I’m tired of him and  really don’t care about him anymore. What should I do?

Lori

Answer:

Dear Lori,

What do you want to do?  What do you want the rest of your life to look like?  How could you support yourself? Have you looked into employment yet?  Have you considered other towns?  Have you considered further training in areas of the economy where they are hiring?  Like health-care? Have you truly looked at all the options out there?  Have you exhausted your research?

Submitted by Delaine

No doubt today’s subject is controversial and uncomfortable for some, just check out Big Little Wolf’s post on the subject of women, relationships and money…but I’m fielding these questions anyway:  Does how much a man earns at his job affect your decision to date him or continue dating him? Or do you find such a concept offensive, shallow, and/or insulting to the meaning of  True Love?

After asking a few divorcing girlfriends for their honest thoughts on this matter, this was what I heard:

“Money shouldn’t make any difference.  Love is all that matters and together, you can build something new.”

“I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle from being married and yes, I’d like to maintain that…”

“The bottom line is that I’m swimming in the enormity of my responsibilities right now.  So if a man can’t help us out financially, in a way he just becomes one more person to do laundry and cook for.”

“Underneath it all, I want to know he can take care of me and the children financially.  Not that I won’t contribute too; and not that he has to be a millionaire.  But as un-feminist as it sounds, I like it when a man can do more than live from paycheck to paycheck.”

Of the opinions I heard, two things were very clear:  First, this was a highly personal and sensitive subject.  The fear of being judged as ‘superficial’  was great.  As one friend put it, “If I say that money IS important, everyone assumes I’m a gold-digger and I’m not.  I just don’t want to invite more hardship or complications into my life.”

Second, it was obvious that many personal factors had  molded my friends’ unique opinions:  ie, whether they were moms/non-mothers, whether they’d maintained solid careers throughout their marriages or not, whether their hearts had been broken by infidelity, whether money had been an issue while married, etc.

So I’m putting the question out to you.  Does the size of a man’s wallet matter to you as you date again or not?  Why? My objective is not to start a war but to table an important issue that we all have feelings about, even if we don’t voice them aloud –  for whatever reaon.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want.

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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