I find certain words or phrases trip me up; words like “ex” or “divorced.” A friend of mine says he keeps stumbling over pronouns; struggling with me instead of we and mine instead of ours.

At one time, my career included a stint as an on-air news reporter for a local radio station. Being a reporter – asking questions, gathering information, writing stories — all felt familiar. But the on-air part was unlike anything I had ever done. Even having much experience with public speaking did not prepare me for this new game.

When you are reading live for 3 to 5 minutes in a stretch, it is as though your mouth and tongue become their own beings. Some days they work together smoothly and on others, they fight each other. At times, I felt like my tongue was an actual stumbling block and the words had to struggle to get around it.

The sensation is much the same now as I try to use these new words in my life to refer to the man who once was my partner and friend. Now, when I try to explain who my daughters will be spending their afternoon with there is a definite pause in the sentence, “oh, that’s my … ex-husband.”

I suspect it is not only a physical pause, but also an emotional one. That moment is when once again my heart and soul are reminded of the tidal wave that has hit my life and turned everything upside down. It is the remnants of those moments that plagued me for months when I could not speak or move, muted and paralyzed by grief and pain.

So, if that is the case, if it is simply waning hurt, then I think a simple sentence stumble or breathless pause is okay. It means I am healing and it means that one day, I can hope that my tongue will again be nimble and my words will flow like water.

I did not like getting a divorce.

Divorce is painful and wrenching. It is ugly. It is the death of dreams. Divorce is not something anyone aspires to.

However, now that we have slogged through the year of proceedings and court dates and oppressive emotions, I have a confession to make: one of the benefits of getting a divorce is getting my own room.

I love having my own room.

I was 18 the last time I had my own room. In college I always had a roommate, except for a brief 3-month period when my roommate graduated early. Then after college, I met and moved in with my boyfriend turned husband. Back then, sharing a room was exciting and new, one more thing we did together in creating us.

Twenty years later, the bedroom had become a place of tension and tip-toeing around one another to get to our things. It was as divided as we had become and I didn’t even venture into his side.

A year after the separation, I have slowly turned our room into my room. I replaced the bed quilt with a navy blue, corduroy duvet. I rearranged photographs and replaced wall paintings with a metal art piece reading “Live Your Life in the Moment.” I’ve taken over a closet and two bureaus, and best of all; I changed a bookcase into a shoe -rack.

These walls are now my sanctuary. It is a kid-free zone, save for a few bedtime snuggles. I read, and surf the net and eat chocolate and watch whatever television show I want to in this room without having to explain myself or compromise or tip-toe around. It is delightful.

When I walk in at the end of another frantic day of being the working woman/mom/friend, I breathe deeply.  As I change out of my work clothes, I revel in the mine-ness and move all around the room as though reclaiming it all over again. And as I find myself smiling at just being in there, I realize that it is part of the healing of my heart. Re-creating this space to be my space is the first few steps of recreating me to be whoever I am becoming.

I don’t know what my future holds in the area of dating and companionship, but sitting in my room, luxuriating in my place, I am not sure I will ever be able to give up having my own room again.

Author Bio: Robin Dake is a writer and photographer who lives in North Georgia with two daughters and a dog. She holds a journalism degree from the University of Georgia. She has written for newspapers and radio, as well as non-profits throughout Georgia.

If you’ve been through a divorce, you know the pain of divorce. Did you know or have you yet discovered the benefits though? I know it is hard to believe that divorce has its benefits, especially if you are someone who didn’t want a divorce.

Just ask any woman who has gone through a divorce and gone on to create a new life for herself and you will be told how much she has grown and come into her own now that her divorce is behind her. What are the benefits of divorce to the smart, insightful woman?

• A new sense of self with an acute awareness of your strengths and talents.

• Heightened wisdom that comes along with having survived a major life transition.

• The freedom to do what you want to, when you want to. WOOT!

• A life lived based on your values, living based on what is important to YOU.

• Peace of mind, a home free of conflict, no more walking on eggshells!

• An illumination of your sexuality and the ability to create a sex life based on what you define as “passion.”

• New found confidence, self-esteem and personal growth. Adversity is life’s way of teaching, if you pay attention you will flourish.

These benefits won’t drop into your lap; they don’t come without first properly navigating the divorce process. Women who chose to be mindful of the process, learn from it and explore what it has to offer are more likely to reap the benefits above.

I painted my toenails last week.

At one time, I kept red polish on my toes – bright red, happy red. I had tried other colors, but kept coming back to red.

At one time, I sparkled.

But somehow, in this last year, as my 18-year marriage crumbled, cleaved, then ended, I lost my sparkle and I stopped painting my toes.

At first, it was just putting off the repair. I noticed a few chips on the edges and thought, ‘I need to fix that, ‘but never got to it. The chips got bigger and my toes now needed a full-out re-do. They needed to be stripped down to bareness, filed smooth, then lovingly repainted.

By summer, the nails themselves were raggedy, but I didn’t have the energy to lift an emery board, much less gather the polish remover, lotion and cotton balls.

In yoga class – the class I joined to learn to breathe in the year there was no breath – my chipped and sad toes mocked me. They shouted that I must be a failure because I couldn’t even keep my toes neat and presentable. I couldn’t hear it then, but there was another voice speaking softly, saying, ‘it’s okay, love your raggedy toes now and know you will be okay.’

As the months went by that voice did get louder and I was able to accept that I was a girl whose toes were no longer painted red. I could do downward dog without trying to avert my eyes from my toes and I soon found myself looking at polish colors in the drugstore aisle.

In October, I unearthed the toenail clipper and neatened things up. I stripped away the last of the red and left it at that. I wore patent leather shoes to court that day, but underneath the shine, my toes remained unfiled and naked.

The cold that came in during the last part of November made me keep socks on my feet almost all the time. They were thick, fleece socks – blue with polka dots – that muffled the cold snaking around my toes. I only caught a glimpse of them as I showered and dressed before I sought out that fleecy warmth and protection again.

A friend gave me perfumed lotion for Christmas, and after a moment of listening to the inner voice that loves me, I slather it on my feet and ankles, enjoying the luxury and softness. And finally, I dug out the polish. I gently filed and smoothed those nails, then put that polish on stroke by stroke.  My toes wiggled with contentment.

The polish is not fire engine red, but instead a soft, pearled pink.  It doesn’t sparkle, but it does glow. Today, I breathe again.

I may not make it to back to fire engine red, but I suspect one day, I may just try purple.

Author Bio: Robin Dake is a writer and photographer living in North Georgia. She holds a journalism degree from the University

In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, ’should be’s . In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.

What exactly is an impossible expectation?

How about:

• I expect me ex to treat me with respect.
• I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement.
• I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior.
• I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce.
• I expect my ex to support me emotionally.
• I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.

Life rarely goes according to plan

Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That’s just a start. Life isn’t necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.

Let’s take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact

Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara’s impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying.

She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn’t manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.

The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic, virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.

Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectations she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.

Namely: Life Isn’t necessarily fair

Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn’t always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!

If you are using the phrase ‘should be’, then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be’s always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn’t lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn’t. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.

Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.

I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be’s. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.

Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations.

• What do you know to be true of life?
• Are there any guarantees?
• Is everything always a bowl of cherries?
• In other word, get real!

I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming,”But that isn’t fair!” Don’t be that child.

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I have been separated since May and find myself on a roller coaster of emotions every day. I have far too much contact with my ex (my choice) and it pains me to see him happy. I was blindsided with the separation and love him dearly.

I know I am being destructive in some of the things I text him, and it hurts when we do get along. I can’t even say I am sitting on the fence about what I want, because I am so far away from the proverbial fence, I can’t even see it!

My question is… When will things start to make sense again? I love him so much but actually enjoy the alone time and my whole house to myself. I love having my friends here all the time, but I just love him so darn much!

How do I begin to reconcile these feelings? I really don’t want our relationship back, but I miss him so dearly in my life as my best friend and someone to share my kids’ lives with.

Does this even make sense?

Anonymous

Answer:

Of course it makes sense.  Whatever you are feeling makes sense as there is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions.  You are right though when you say that you have far too much to do with him.  The more physical and verbal contact you have the more you are attached emotionally.

If you don’t really want the relationship back then you need to start doing the things that will begin the process of an emotional divorce.  Limit your contact and speak only when necessary…as it pertains to your kids and the divorce if that is where you are heading.  Every time you have contact with him an emotional trigger is set off.  For now, you need to start distancing yourself while you go through the steps of recovery and acceptance of this new reality.

Best to you,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

“EX-husband,”  “EX-wife,”  “The EX.”   The term “ex” is one we all use after divorce, in both our written and oral communications.  It’s something we don’t  give much thought to either – it’s just part of the English language, right? 

But have you ever noticed how you feel when say it?   What about when someone ELSE uses it in conversation?  Cause I’ve been tuning into it lately.  And I really don’t like what I feel.

I first started using the words “ex-husband” shortly after our separation, even though we weren’t officially divorced.  I stumbled over them at first – my brain wanted to say “husband.”  But with time and practice,  the “ex” part became automatic.  No stumbling.  No searching.  The title was right there to grab.  By this point I actually felt divorced.  He was separate from me.  And I said the ‘ex’ part with confidence.

But now, as I continue to move forward, I notice I’m fumbling with those words again.  Not because of unfamiliarity, but because of a gross feeling it awakens in my body: TENSION.

We all know that the words we chose to use, both out loud and in our thoughts, carry emotions. And as someone who is very sensitive to language, I’ve always been careful of how I speak: I try to choose words that are polite, kind and most importantly, optimistic.  And somehow the word  “ex” just doesn’t jive with that.  No matter how nicely I try to say it, to me it still sounds like I’m spitting; like I’m denigrating him to an ‘it’; like there’s a big X tattooed across his face that deserves to stay there forever.

Take the following sentence as an example:

“My ex is taking the kids this weekend.”  Is it just me or does this sentence carry all sorts of icky feelings in its wake? 

Alternatively, consider the following:

“The kids’ dad is taking them this weekend.”  To me that sounds warm, gracious, and much less offensive.  I think ”my former husband is” sounds softer and more peaceful too.   What do you think?

Hey – maybe right now you’re calling your former husband way worse titles than “ex” (smile).  And my friend,  that’s yours to choose – I’ve been there too (sometimes still am). 

But as I continue to move forward after divorce, I feel another layer of ‘letting go’  is upon me.  I don’t want to think of him or ‘feel of him’ as being The Enemy – even if our relationship is a far cry from being smooth.   Why?  Cause every time I feel the negativity, it holds ME back.  Every time I feel the tension, it’s MY body that suffers.  And if I want to optimize what this next stage of my life might offer me, I need to think and speak in ways that make ME feel good.  Cause that’s what moving on is all about, right?  Choosing to feel happy?

Question:

Dear Shelley:

I want to know what steps I should take to get over my anger and hurt so I can be a normal mom again to my two kids.

I was married for nine years and found out shortly after our eighth wedding anniversary that he was cheating.  My anger lies in the fact that for nine years he told me he would never hurt my family like his dad did to him and his mother, but that was indeed what he did.  In the last year, he has become engaged, moved into a new home with this woman, and, although he states he wants a better relationship with his two children, he habitually fails to show for his weekends or steps up to help with their rearing in anyway.  

I’ve had to become the sole provider, parent, and support for my kids and I’m falling apart.  I’m tired all the time, cry all the time, have to put on a happy face to get through work, and have no support system whatsoever.  My parents are both deceased and I feel so completely alone.  I can barely keep myself going but I have to parent two emotionally stressed children who don’t understand why any of this has happened.  

I can’t let go of the anger I feel towards my ex –  I literally would cheer if he were struck by a truck because that would mean he were no longer a stress in my life and I might just be able to move on.  Please help! I don’t know where else to go.  Sure my friends offer, but they just don’t know what I’m really going through.  

Nina

Answer:

Dear Nina,

Where do I start?  I think that the feeling that we trusted our partners wholeheartedly only to discover our trust was misplaced is overwhelming.  It’s all about ‘unenforceable expectations’.  We hold core beliefs about what we think life should look like and how people should be.  We believe in trust, honesty, integrity.  We believe that a Father should be there for his children.  We believe that an ex should step up to the plate, offer both financial and emotional support and accept responsibility.  All good beliefs.  Our beliefs lead us to expect certain behavior from others as well as expectations about life. The problem is…people do not always live up to our expectations and do not hold the same beliefs.  An unenforceable expectation is one that we cannot enforce, we cannot control.  That is what you have right now.

What we cannot control we must let go of.  Otherwise we eat ourselves up alive.  It is probably the most important lesson we will be gifted with in this life.  You cannot control his actions or the way he thinks.  You have to learn to let that all go.  You have to learn to accept ‘what is’ versus what you think ‘should be’. What is…that’s reality.  

It’s all about you now.  You must take care of yourself.  You must do the things that will alleviate the effects of all this stress or you will break down.  Exercise!  It is the number one antidote to stress.  Look into a yoga class.  Take time for yourself.  Eat well and get sleep. Offer yourself the same nurturing and compassion that you offer your kids.

Get support!  Go to meetup.com and find a divorce support group in your area.  Go to your clergyman if that works for you.  Talk to a professional.

You are ceding control of your life to him by allowing him to continue to control how you feel.  Take back control of your life by claiming full responsibility for it.   You are the only one who can truly make the changes that will allow you to let go and move on in your life. 

There are deep life lessons and wisdom to be gleaned from this life experience that will help you in the future. What have you learned about yourself?  What are you willing to accept and not accept in your future?

You are still in a grieving period so go easy on yourself.  This too shall pass.  Your future might just be better then your past!

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I was married for 25 years, have been separated for six years, and now divorced for three years. I recently found out that my ex has a girlfriend, goes to her place at night, of course is having sex with her, and it is making me crazy. I cry all the time and am depressed.

Today is his birthday, and I and our  kids (age 30 and 24) and him all went out to dinner. He talked a lot and even brought up some old happy times. But it seems that our daughter, the 24 year old, thinks that we shouldn’t talk and gets very upset by this. She thinks it’s wonderful that her dad has moved on.  My son (the 30 year old), however, is upset and says he never wants to meet this woman. I guess my question is, why after all this time, is this still upsetting to me? By the way, I have never dated since the separation and divorce.

Elle

Answer:

Dear Elle

You have never fully let go…otherwise this would not upset you.  In six years you have never ventured out to meet new people and have new experiences.  You are still stuck in the past. You haven’t moved on. Is that what you want?

Your ex talking about old times means nothing other then he was talking about old times. You may have made that mean something more, like he wants it back, but that is not the truth.  Six years is a long time.  He is no longer your husband and what he does is his own business.  Not yours.

Let it go.  See what you are holding onto and determine if it is worth it. I doubt it very much.  It is time to do the work of real recovery. Use this experience as an opportunity to do a deep self-assessment on yourself and heal old emotional baggage.  You have only one precious life to live and it is up to you and you alone as to how you want to live it.  Take back control of your life.

Shelley

I caught a glimpse of the ex the other day. We had to be in the same place and cordially stayed on opposite sides of the room. He always keeps his back to me when we are in these situations but I always sit facing him, daring him to look into my eyes.

I feel nothing for him ~ towards him ~ about him. I just want to be able to look into his face and let him know that I’m okay with all of this. Words are not important to me in this case, just something to finish it with some level of dignity.

I understand that this seems crazy but this has been important to me for a long time. HE left me. He left our kids and didn’t look back. He took off with a ‘friend’ and treated us with scorn, derision, loathing. He made me battle with him for Child Support and I always won in the end. I learned patience and tolerance and how to turn the other cheek. I grew strong and unbreakable but I never became brittle or embittered.

I see things differently I suppose. I look back at this as the best growth spurt of my life, one that I was forced to do alone (I had no family around me). I had to stand tall and be the best role model that my children could follow.

But my bottom line is that I am so thankful. Thankful to Denise for taking an abusive partner off of my hands. Thankful to the judges that gave me my 60% and custody of the children. Thankful to my friends who walked beside me in the darkest of days. Thankful to him for donating his sperm for these beautiful young adults. Thankful that they have inherited his perfectionism and his determination.

I am thankful because without having him in my life to rock it and roll it and try to bury me, I would never have known how amazing I am.

So when I saw him the other day ~ and I saw how ravaged his face had become, I almost wanted to touch it. Not because I love him but because I LOVED him. I wanted to go to him, to smile at him and to cross those angry days off of my life’s calendar. I want him to have a good life ~ to be good to our children and to stop loathing the girl that he never quite knew. I want the anger to be over.

My heart is calm, I am replete…

Namaste, Maya

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