If you’re overwhelmed with self-blame here’s a great quote from Bonnie Russell, the founder of www.FamilyLawCourts.com.

She says:

I’ve found women, especially therapists and other helping professionals, have trouble forgiving themselves.  They constantly berate themselves with:   “I should have seen it, known it, realized it,”  followed by “I wasted (fill in the blank)  years.”

I tell them to set aside five minutes, set a time and really wallow in it.

Here’s the secret: Really beat yourself  up.  Usually people can only do that for less than three minutes.  By three and a half minutes you’re glancing at the timer.  I encourage women to stay with it because it’s so unpleasant.  When the time finally dings you’re  SO HAPPY!

I assure you these thoughts will creep back later.  But the good news is when they do, most women happily say,  “Honey I already beat myself up over that, I’m moving on.”  And more importantly, they act on that and do.

Gary Egeberg, the author of The Forgiveness Myth says:

“We believe the goal is to heal.  Forgiving him can be a way to heal but not the only way.”

•  Use alternative phrases such as “making a fresh start right where I am, moving on as I keep the focus on myself and my needs.”  Happiness is a product of two things, addressing the hurt and then moving on.

•  Return the focus to yourself.   Any day you’re obsessing about the divorce, or how he hurt or betrayed you, ask yourself: “how can I return focus to myself?”  Forgiveness implies it’s finished once and for all but it’s a long process.

•  Stop referring to him as your ex. That keeps the relationship alive.  Start calling him by his given name.   When you use “ex” language you’re going back to the marriage.  When you use his name he’s another human being you can detach from.   You need distance to heal and move on.

•  Avoid those little putdowns.  Initially they’re a way of dealing with grief, but at some point they help you stay stuck.   Make changes rather than just bitching.

•  Do what you naturally enjoy, reclaim your life rather than have a pity party.  Live your life the best you can and eventually you will heal.

Author Bio: Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Question:

Dear Shelley,

“Moving on” and “letting go”.  These are the two phrases I HATE the most. My ex revealed his affair in July of ’09. I filed for divorce in August and he moved in with his girlfriend. We were married nine years and have two kids. His girlfriend just gave birth to their child in August. I am filled with rage and hatred. I want them to hurt as much as I have been hurt, but I know this is impossible. I am on meds, see a therapist and am trying to cope with being a single mom. I hate the fact that my life was turned upside down by them. I feel like I never had a choice and now I have to “co-parent” with this man that broke my heart and destroyed my family. Moving on, forgiving and letting go seem like impossible tasks to me. I hate that my kids are around the woman that cheated with their father and gave birth to their half sibling. It offends me morally, religiously, at every level. The divorce was final in August. He pays $150 per month to me and won’t help pay for the kids activities and sports and that only makes me angrier. I am 42, divorced with two kids. What now?

Betsy

Answer:

Dear Betsy,

First off, in terms of the legal divorce your child support sounds to be very low for two children.  Of course I do not know the particulars, for instance who has the larger income but if I were you, I would check with a legal expert.

Feeling like we want them to suffer as much as we have is a perfectly normal response but who is suffering right now?  Them or you?  The reality of the situation is that your anger is hurting you and not them. Given the fact that you were only divorced in August, you are still in the grieving process and it is marked by all of the negative feelings you are presently experiencing.  You need to grieve as this is a huge loss. Nonetheless, what we come to understand only with time is the fact that there is no going back. There is no controlling him. There is no ‘should be’. There simply is this reality or what is.  We can either accept our life as it is and learn to let go of the anger or we can choose to hold onto the past and suffer.

Acceptance is the conscious acknowledgement of reality without trying to change it.  If your child were to get sick you would probably react with a ‘why my child?’ response initially and be angry and sad BUT that will get you and your child nowhere.  Only when you accept the fact of the illness can you then move on to take matters into your own hands and find a way to combat the illness.  If you are lost in your car and driving around in circles thinking that you aren’t lost …you will stay lost. Only when you accept the fact that you are lost will you be able to make the move to get help.  Acceptance of what is.

I know that letting go and moving on seem like impossible task right now.  You aren’t alone in that feeling. I felt that way too. But I realized what me anger was costing me  and I saw that it was futile. Take back control of your life by accepting this new life.  As the old saying goes, “the best revenge is living well!”

What now?  Your entire future.  Get support.  

Shelley

Why is it that some people can move on happy, while others walk around bitter and angry many years postdivorce?

It’s not necessarily the decisions you make, but how you

learn to live with them

There is one thing for certain and that is, there is no looking back. All I and everyone around me wants, is to be “happy”. What does happiness really mean, and how do we realize this goal? What I’ve learned is that life is a journey. It is a rocky road full of bends and bumps and lots of uncertainty. But, if you allow it to be so, it can be exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, enjoyable, adventurous and fulfilling. The challenge is to make the choices that lead us to this place of “happiness” while enjoying the ride life offers.

Waiting for Perfection

If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be waiting forever. Just the other day, someone sent me an email with a picture of four skeletons sitting around a table playing cards……were these unhappy people waiting for something or someone to come into their lives to make them happy? Were they waiting for that perfect time for their happiness to arrive? This picture, made me realize that if you wait, you’ll be waiting forever. Any result that is truly worthwhile needs to be worked at.

Is the ever searching answer for

happiness really possible?

Can people actually be single post divorce and be happy? If they are then how do they achieve this reality? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets? Just follow these few simple steps and poof a new you, easily transformed while you sleep. Ha! Not likely. Maybe you think that the illusive goal of happiness only exists when you find that perfect mate; your knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress. Well, you’re single and that image you had of “happily ever after” needs to be reworked. It is possible; it’s just not the cliché.

Life postdivorce is a journey

into the unknown

Not realizing at the time, I had embarked on an adventure with some mysterious destination yet to be determined. I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities and on the way I have become a very different person. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today, with the person I was while married or even while I was in my 20’s. I’ve changed. I now have straight hair when I had curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. In reality though, the changes have become significantly more than just physical.

This much I can say for sure; I had to do something when I realized that life would pass me by if I just waited for that perfect mate. Not growing, my life could be summed up in a five minute conversation!

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children, an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. How did I gain such a rich life? I certainly did not have this when I separated. It was with a lot of hard work and desire to be happy.

Tips on Becoming a Happy Divorcée

As the “title of this piece suggests” according to happy divorcee, co-author Cathy Greenberg, an expert on the new science of happiness, AND co-author of the “What Happy Know Brands, LLC book series, happiness can be found in all aspects of our lives. Both good and not so good.

While researching my next book on divorce I came across “What Happy Women Know” and was fortunate to speak with co-author and behavioral scientist Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. who shared this wisdom from her own “experience” with divorce that we can all use for achieving happiness postdivorce:

With every ending comes a new beginning but often our culture does not provide the “rituals” we need to close one door as we open another. We know how to celebrate birth, engagements, marriage and even death. Too often however, we are not familiar with how to deal with “less than positive” outcomes like divorce. I always look for the opportunity in everything. A divorce can bring new freedom to examine your life, a new job, or to learn new things. Divorce can help you understand what to do differently in the future and how to build on your strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. The secret is to think positive and stay out of the “negative looping” our brains are famous for. When I went through my own divorce I learned that I could count on myself because I focused on the “positive” about me. My strength was not only important for my wellbeing but for my daughter as well. I knew that the memory of my divorce would be painful, but the resilience I had as I looked at the future was infallible. I always had me, my gifts and my abilities to count on no matter what. I always look back at my divorce as an opportunity to learn more about the best in me.

For more tips on the science of happiness and becoming a happy divorcee check out these books:

What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better by Dan Baker, Cathy Greenberg, and Ina Yalof

What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com

Submitted by Delaine

At any point since your marriage ended, have you been inspired to see a tarot card reader or psychic? Cause I have.  A few times, in fact.  I’ve also looked for ‘angel footprints’ and messages from Above – it’s all about needing a bit of faith, isn’t it?  In ourselves, our futures AND the universe we live in?

The first psychic ‘session’ I experienced happened soon after I separated from my husband three years ago.  And the strange thing is, she sought ME out, not vice versa:

I was on my first ever trip to Vegas with six close girlfriends.   One afternoon while shopping with the girls, I drifted off from the pack and wandered  into a clock store (no idea why, I had no interest in clocks!).   As I browsed around, I suddenly sensed I was being watched  – and there she was: a petite, dark-haired woman, standing in the middle of an aisle, staring at me.   She kept staring and staring -  I was beginning to wonder if she was “all there” – when she marched right up to me and hissed:  “I can see your aura!  Trust me, I can see things.  You need to know what I see.” 

“O…K”  I said, looking around uneasily. 

“Two things!” she said.  “One, your aura is so dark!  There are men all around you, bad men, men from your past, men coming at you now.  You need to get rid of all this bad male energy, it’s eating you up inside!”

“O…K” I replied again.  She was kinda making sense…

“Two!”  She stepped in close, looking me in the eyes.  “You are going to write a book! It will bring you great joy and be a great success.  You need to stop worrying about money.  Five years from now your life will look so good!”

And at that, she threw up her hands and scurried out of the store.

I stood there gawking down an empty aisle. “Did that just happen?  Then:  Wow, what a loony!”  Then, “Me, write a book?  As if!”  

But later, when I told my friends what had happened, one friend said,  “Even if she was a nut job Amelia, the universe wanted you to hear her messages.  There are no ‘accidents’ after all…”  

I suddenly felt a bit hopeful – maybe the darkness I was living in would pass…

Fast forward to last week.  My children were on holidays with their Grandma, so I took a much-needed road trip to Kelowna, BC.   I use to live in BC but it was over a decade ago - and the familiar landscape and energy out there stirred something in me… perhaps of the Amelia I used to be before I moved to Calgary, got married, had kids, and well …lost my Self.  

Anyhow, one lovely afternoon, as a meandered down an unknown street in Kelowna,  I suddenly thought, “I’d sure love to have a tarot card reading today.”  But I brushed off the thought - after all, what were the chances?

Yet there she was.  Sitting in the park under a tree.  A sign on her table read “Tarot Readings, $20.”  I sat down right away, the timing was perfect.  And for the next hour, I sat there listening to this lady with the blue eye shadow and unblended foundation, divine my present and future life in startling detail.

After that session, I stood along the boardwalk overlooking the water with tears brewing in my eyes.  Not because of any bad events she forecast, but because of the divine chills I kept feeling throughout our session; because of the loving presence I felt standing over my shoulder; because of the hope I felt caressing and undulating in my heart; because of the peaceful terrain I foresaw and believed to be ahead in my future.

And in that moment, I knew that she, this stranger with the bright blue eye shadow and wise heart,  had given me something I really needed – something that went far beyond what I’d have gotten from a session with a psychologist; that is, a return to the faith that life, and the universe, ARE on my side.  It was time to start remembering the core of who I am, who I use to be – that Gypsy-like Amelia who, a decade ago, was spiritually free and open to life.  She was a woman who created life… and didn’t just react to it. 

Yes…that old Amelia is still alive.  Alive, well, and very, very welcome.  But you know what the most ironic part of this tale is?  Not only did she write that book like Vegas ‘nut job’ predicted - it’s also  soon to be published.  (smile)

Amelia

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

When you found out your spouse was cheating, were you obsessed with thoughts of revenge?  Throwing all his clothes in a heap on the lawn…slashing his tires…or forwarding copies of his cyber sex sessions to his entire address book?   Maybe your fantasies were more devious – perhaps they involved some Superglue and the bathroom throne.  Or maybe that paste could attach a certain ‘member’ to the inside of his leg…

Well, for anyone who has experienced heart-break of infidelity, a new book called The Down and Dirty Dish On Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold To That Lying,Cheating Bastard offers new insights into how people plan, carry out, and savour revenge on an ex.

Let’s clarify something right away: this is NOT a “how-to guide” on revenge tactics  - though it does include some outlandish revange stories by real people (and famous personalities).  Instead, author Eva Nagorski not only dives into the history of adultery and revenge, she examines the psychology/genetics of people who desire retribution.  She provides experts’ commentary on both the merits and dangers of revenge.  And she also explores how people can ‘keep a lid’ on their vengeful feelings and move on.

Written in the tone of a chick-lit novel, The Down and Dirty Dish Revenge was inspired by Nagorski’s wildly popular blog, That Girl Emily.  In this blog, Nagorski took on the psyche of Emily, a 35-year-old fictitious suburban housewife, who found out her husband was cheating.  So ‘Emily’ exacted 14 days of purchased billboards in Times Square that announced that he was not exactly “well-endowed”; drove his desecrated car through the streets of Manhattan; and had the famous Katz’s deli in New York City make a sandwich in Steven’s name–”The Cheatin’ Steven.”

Again, ‘Emily’ was a fictitious character; Nagorski was actually hired to write this blog as part of an advertising campaign for Court TV’s, Parco P.I.. But Nagorski says her character resonated with so many readers – and so quickly - that she felt compelled to ‘stake-out” the world of revenge more closely. She says she hopes her book will help lift the veil of shame people have for their angry, vengeful thoughts.   Cause most people have them; but whether or not they act on them and how far they’ll take them, are other matters entirely.

What do you think of Nagorski’s concept?  Too sensational, borderline insane?  Too much focus on men being cheaters instead of all the female perpetrators?  Might the best revenge be just to be caught reading this book in public? Here’s the book trailer…

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

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It took me more than twenty years to figure out why I never left my husband and I’m still struggling with  regret about marrying him in the first place.    After he dumped me,  I wished many times I’d been widowed instead of left for a younger woman.   When your husband dies, there’s nothing to regret.   Even if it wasn’t the best marriage, you get to pick and choose your memories.   We’ve all seen widows deify the dearly departed husbands  they couldn’t stand when they were alive.  And why not?  The past is over, the only thing that remains is our memories.    If Ira had been  considerate enough to die on me, I’m sure I would have remembered his charm, sense of humor and kindness to old ladies.    I might even have invented a good sex life.   I didn’t get that opportunity so unfortunately  I’m stuck with an eighteen year sinkhole of regret.

Seven years after my divorce I’d done a lot of the psychological work of deconstructing my marriage.   I did the Imago analysis.    Ira  was very much like my dad, quiet, shy,  funny, creative…and angry     Unconsciously I must have felt that if I could please Ira maybe I could heal the wound of having an angry father—and an angry mother.     On his side,  I was supposed to heal his wound of  having a mother who ignored him.  He had me cast as the good mother– caring, loving and attentive.    I put up a good front, but   I didn’t pay much attention to him either.     He was too much like my own intrusive mother who stuck her nose into everything.  I never got used to his anger either, I just wound up tiptoeing around him.    Nothing got healed, we just repeated our childhoods.     He got angry no matter what I did and I ignored him no matter how hard he tried to get my attention. 

I also did the Crazy Timeanalysis.     According to my favorite divorce guru, Abigail Trafford, the balance of power is what keeps a marriage alive.  She says most marriages start out unequal  but if we’re lucky they balance themselves as time goes on.  Roles are renegotiated and power switches back and forth.     Sometimes you are submissive, your husband dominant, and other times vice versa.    Ira and I were stuck in what she calls a “Deadlock Marriage” where  the power balance between husband and wife mimics the psychological dynamics between parent and child.    I was the parent and he was the rebellious child.    We were  interlocking neurotic legos..     Without equality in a relationship it’s only a matter of time before a couple reaches a crisis.

We limped along with this imbalance, distracted by  our busy lives in New York City, and Tina, the 13 year old  foster daughter we took in when we moved to upstate New York.   When Tina left, I felt bereft and  longed for a child of my own.   Despite my  advanced age, 55,  I managed to talk Ira into adopting baby Freda, which upset the already shaky balance of our marriage.  Caring for a baby was too much for me and I pushed a lot of the parenting onto him, which infuriated him.  I was supposed to be the mommy,  his mommy and Freda’s mommy.   All of a sudden  we moved  from  occasional skirmishes to all out war.    His “best friend” at work saw her opportunity and pounced.  Our breakup was ugly and prolonged,  involving  much begging and pleading on my part and much lying and sneaking around on his.   I was stunned to find myself in a soap opera when I ‘d always considered myself a Hallmark Hall of Fame kind of girl.     The post breakup was even uglier, involving my inability to parent Freda and her subsequent breakdown.. 

Somehow knowing the all the “whys” of the failure of  my marriage wasn’t enough to banish my regret about marrying the guy in the first place.  It helped with understanding the end of the marriage, but  I still couldn’t accept those last eighteen years.  I was plagued by the “if onlies.”     If only I hadn’t married Ira I might have married……who?   It’s not like there were a long list of candidates waiting to ask for my hand.   I had no idea who I might have married, but whoever it was he had to have been a better choice.   As it was I felt I had lost the chance to find the elusive “soulmate” that I had longed for.   Not too many soulmates come along for a woman in her sixties. 

I was also haunted by the two children who inadvertently got hurt by our divorce, Tina who vowed never to marry because she was so hurt by his cheating on me,  but especially Freda who suffered the most.  Emotionally fragile to begin with she needed to be held together not torn apart.

Erica Manfred is the author of He’s History You’re Not, Surviving Divorce After 40.  She has written for Cosmopolitan, New York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, Women’s Day, and Bottom Line/Personal.  She currently runs a women’s divorce support group in her hometown of Woodstock, New York.

Other Articles:

Navigating and Moving On After Divorce: Tops For Women Over 40

You Can’t Go Home Again

A Handsome “Good Man’ Helps Restore My Faith In Love