Facebook has brought some amazing re~connections to all of us. For me it has brought an old (male) friend back into my sphere.  We have opened up like thirsty nestlings waiting for the next morsel.  Separated by fifteen thousand miles, we are comfortable enough to push boundaries and mystery.  I have been more open with him than anyone I can remember… So today came an absolutely normal question… what if…  would I… with him?  And here is my response that I am sharing because it just simmers constantly within me…

Whew! It wasn’t the question I was expecting so that’s … interesting…

And like you said, who knows?  I know that I have, from time to time (thought) about (it), particularly when we discussed you running away to New Zealand ~ and that would have been so spontaneous and exciting and delicious ~ but who knows what chemistry brings?

I know that poetic license is so incredibly important to me and openness and all of that stuff… and then without one skerrick of warning, everything clams up.

Like when I go to have drinks with the girls and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and happy and want more ~ and then something comes down on me like a sledgehammer and even if I were paid a thousand dollars to have one more drink, I couldn’t.

I’m too strange like that, I have a full heart, an open mind and a taste for curiosity and then ~ BAM! That good girl who is watching her daddy cry over her older sister’s antics as she is sitting on the stairs comes back and all sense of propriety comes back.  I don’t get it, I don’t necessarily like it, I don’t necessarily WANT it ~ but there it is.

Damn I’d love to be loose and who~gives~a~flying~fugowie and even with the best of naughty intentions, I can’t follow through.  I think it has too much to do with heart.

Love making is making love ~ and sex is… okay for others to play with but I got hurt so badly that I don’t want to let myself out there again.  I’m so glad you asked this question because every time I flow in this direction, I change the flow.  Safety in miles.  Safety in relative anonymity.

It’s not like it has been a lot but in my decade of independence, I HAVE gone out with the full intention of getting laid no matter what.  But nothing takes my fancy.  I need to have my fancy taken.

Even on my dates in California in 2005 as we were driving past a strip of motels along the road from San Diego to Encinitas, I knew that all I had to do was to say, ‘turn here’ and lick my lips ~ and I would have made his night ~ probably his year ~ maybe his decade… and I considered it until….  nope.  Couldn’t do it.

Even with my niece saying ‘Just once Maya ~ JUST ONCE!! No one will ever know and you will feel achy/soft/used/using/brutal/alive again’…  SOOO damned tempting.  But…. nah, no way.  No fancy.  And he had searched me out from the yearbook and got in touch and treated me so sweetly but he was so fucking safe and couldn’t take a chance getting lost on country roads and he was too stuck in his straight-backed propriety and there was no animal in him at all.

And crazy as it sounds, I keep saving myself for ~ what?  Who?  Just because OTL said the magic things?  I am still so aware that he’s changed too.  He says that he loves my pics, and he can still smell patchouli and hone in on me.  He’s not the same.  I’M not the same.  Shit.  Now you’ve got me thinking again.

Yes Raul ~ maybe ~ No Raul ~ maybe I’ve taken too much mystery out.  Yes Raul ~ definitely and no Raul, I don’t know if I could cross that line.

Did I tell you about my summers between college and my FWB?  I’m sure I did.  How amazing it was.  But with you, there is more to it.  I’ve let you in.  I COULDN’T fall in love with my FWB and he couldn’t fall in love with me so we laughed and frolicked all summer(s) long.  And never looked back.

It was all about the sex ~ excellent sex.  Fun sex.  Catch-me-if-you-can sex.  Right here right now sex.  Back seat sex. Roadside sex. Under landing planes at a little airport sex.  Kitchen table sex. Rubbing on the living room floor sex…  ala Jimmy Buffett, of course.

I’ve thought it.  I’d be dead if I hadn’t.  And you are so damned safe with your menagerie of beauties and me still being seventeen and fresh.  With you I get to play that same vixen that I get to play with OTL, that enticing memory but with a bit more panache.

So, in my roundabout way of saying this, it would have to be all about chemistry.  And maybe a very dark room so we could feel one another and I could feel beautiful… or not… I sometimes think that I am too damaged to even do that but that is my fantasy.

A bucket of sweet champagne, very faint candle or fire light, taste sensations like melting chocolate, DelMarVa strawberries, spicy ceviche or mussels that drip, and drip well…  darkness, quiet conversations that evolve.  A tantric start ~ maybe a little bit of herb, yes a little bit of herb ~ and darkness, touching.

Oh yeah, I haven’t forgotten that sensuality.  That swimming in a pool at night with the lights under the water and the feel of water and air on my naked skin.  Yes I think of it a lot.  And I love to remember it.  But like I told you, this door has only been opened for a select number of lovers and that guillotine sensation that slams down whenever I try to test the boundaries… It’s happened a few times more than I’d like.

Why? I think that’s one major reason why I don’t smoke pot any more.  I love it too much. It is in that Pandora’s Box of deliciously decadent things that I could do insanely until the end of time, losing all concentration on anything but yep, skin contact, feeling relaxed and uninhibited, sensual pleasures.  Like most people, I would imagine.  Nice, calm, cool, collected on the outside while raw and just a little mad on the inside.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I’m writing this at 4.00 on Saturday afternoon with a handful of teenage boys racing around shadow boxing and sparring and I am able to focus on my carnal desires.  Strange balance.

I’m going to go play mama/carer now and think about this.  And remember what it was like back in the day when there were no constraints and I could frolic all day and all night long…  I’m restless and uneasy.  Who knows the answer but thanks for the question.  Delicious.

besos y sensacional pensamientos carnales

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