I urge you to study the divorce laws of your state. To learn what the divorce process is like in your state and to arm yourself with the knowledge needed to protect yourself during the legal divorce process.

Below is a brief outline of what the divorce process looks like. The steps you will take during the process will be dictated by your state’s divorce laws and the court within which you file for a divorce. You can get an idea though of what to expect during the divorce process from these steps.

File for divorce: You will have to complete this process with the help of your divorce attorney. If you find it a better option to file for divorce yourself, you can it do so by going to the courthouse. If you use an attorney he/she will take care of this step. The only thing required of you will be any documents your attorney will need to get the process started.

Temporary hearing: Once the divorce petition is filed the court will set a date for a hearing that will deal with any temporary orders to be followed until there is a final order of divorce.

During the temporary hearing a temporary agreement would be made to set things in proper order. During the temporary hearing issues in regard to division of pension benefits, spousal support, child custody, marital  debts, visitation and property distribution are settled.

Mediation for the couple: In some states mediation is required if a divorcing couple is unable to come to an agreement. During mediation things or issues are settled on equitable distribution basis. You would have to make a list of all the items, which you feel should be divided. The article, Ten Tips to Ease Your Divorce: Mediate, Don’t Litigate will explain the process of mediation

Pre-trial for the couple: During the process of pre-trial, you have to make a list of witnesses and evidence which would prove things in your favor should you go to divorce court. During this process it would be determined if your case would be moving further for the trial session. If you do go to divorce court below is a list of “thing” you can expect to happen.

• Discovery: “Discovery” is a legal mechanism designed for gathering information about either party to the divorce.There are five steps to the discovery process. Although states and their laws may vary during the discovery process, the five steps below are common and will probably become a part of your divorce.

1. Disclosures: Every state has rules of civil procedure and the way disclosure is conducted is determined by those rules. Attorneys for both parties request certain items from the other party. The list of items is sent to the other side and they must respond within thirty days.
2. Interrogatories: This is a list of questions that the attorneys send to the opposing side. Most states set limits on how many questions and the response time is thirty days.
3. Admissions of Fact: This is a written list of facts that is directed at the other party to the divorce. The party receiving the list of facts is asked to either admit to or deny each listed fact.
4. Request for Production: This is a legal mechanism used to obtain documents such as bank statements, statements of income or any documents the attorney feels will benefit his client. The party receiving a request for production is supposed to respond with the documents within thirty days. This part of the process can become a major obstacle to a swift divorce. It seems to be human nature to not want to turn over personal information and many times delay tactics are used at this part of the process.
5. Depositions: During depositions attorneys will take sworn testimony from the opposing party and any witnesses involved. Anything said during a deposition can be used in court should an agreement not be met and you end up in divorce court.

Divorce Court: During this process the case would be presented in the court, witnesses would be called and questioned. During trial evidence would be taken into consideration and the case would be decided by the judge.

The idea of going to divorce court is frightening. It is something you should avoid at all expense. Not because the experience is bad BUT once you end up in divorce court you give a judge the right to decide for you how marital assets will be divided, how child custody will be handled, how much child support will be required…all things most of us want desperately to maintain control over.

No one wants anyone telling them how often they can see their children or whether their home will be sold. I urge you to participate in the mediation process openly and honestly and that your expectations not be too high. If you are angry with your soon to be ex you need to remember that we live in the days of “no-fault” divorce laws. You can’t use the courts to punish or make him pay. Attempting to do so will only mean a lose/lose situation for you and him and more than likely a negative financial impact for you.

On the heels of my positive article called Why I Like To Date Divorced Men, I now want to disclose the top three things that turn me off some divorced DADS.  Please read that again -  I said SOME divorced DADS. And no, this is not meant to undermine the positive stuff I said in my other piece.

Turn off #1: They bitch and complain about having to pay child support and/or alimony. There are very good reasons why the laws are the way they are and men are required to pay support.  Do they always seem fair?  No.  Can it make life challenging, if not downright tough for awhile?  Absolutely.  But there are two sides to every story in divorce, and quite frankly, no matter how a man tries to convince me he’s been totally screwed over, I don’t buy it.   He has financial obligations to his children – PERIOD.  If he has to pay spousal, those are his responsibilities too.  If the situation is truly THAT unjust, he should bring it before a judge.  Otherwise, he needs to accept that this is the way it will be in the short term, stop complaining and MOVE ON.

I know it can be really hard to be a divorced dad – in many ways.  And I know it sucks having to get up every single day, go off to work, deal with that stress, only to juggle parenting with doing laundry, exercising, cooking meals, and running errands.  But that doesn’t abdicate you from your financial responsibilities.  Nor does it give you free reign to devalue your ex and her life; who are you to put a dollar amount on her head?  Why should you complain about paying her to validate the busyness of your life?  Your personal happiness is not based solely on what’s in your wallet so stop acting like she took away your soul.  I want to know that your spiritual evolution has surpassed the value you place upon your wallet.

Turn off #2:  They sing the woes of being a ‘single dad’, when in fact, what they REALLY are is a ‘part-time dad.’ A single dad is a man who has half-custody or more of his children.  He really understands what goes into being a parent and understands the challenges and complexities of his job.  A man who sees his kids every other weekend or in any part-time capacity does not merit that single dad status.  Whether he knows it not, his ex’s parenting responsibilities far supersede his and are deserving of respect.  Chances are, he doesn’t even know what half of them are.

Turn off #3:  Part-time dads who attempt to bow out of their scheduled time with their kids – and are self-righteous about it. Men who say their kids are important but don’t show it through actions don’t have their priorities straight.  I find it shocking how many men religiously carve time to go to the gym or promptly attend business meetings, or participate in monthly golf tournaments, yet they are consistently late and/or cancelling when it comes to their scheduled time with their kids.  I’m not saying it isn’t challenging at times.  But in the end, we always make time for that which is truly important to us, so excuses become nothing more than lame-assed excuses very quickly.  If a man wants to gripe and complain instead of tackling his new life challenges with  intelligence, integrity and a sense of humour, sorry – I don’t play the violin; life is too short to listen to the non-stop whining.

Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

I recently saw Terry Hekker on the Today Show and was struck by her story. Terry, now in her sixties, was a traditional housewife during the 70s and 80s.  She even wrote a book, Ever Since Adam and Eve at the end of the 1970s extolling the virtues of staying home and raising the kids.

Her book countered the rising feminist tide of women giving up the housewife role to find careers. It illustrated the stories of so many women who I interviewed for my book, He’s History; You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty.

Back then; there was a huge amount of controversy about career women.  Most women took on the housewife role as a matter of course.

Terry, with admirable honesty, has now written:  Disregard the First Book. It seems her husband handed her divorce papers on their 40th wedding anniversary, leaving her financially and emotionally destitute.

The judge only gave her “rehabilitative” alimony for a few years.  Somehow, she was supposed to find a job at age 67, with no training and no job experience—during a recession when even 27 years olds can’t find work.   In the meantime, her ex husband was in Cancun with his girlfriend.  This story is all too common among divorcees of a certain age, mostly over 55.

I was a feminist early on, but so many women of my generation missed the feminist revolution completely.  They were isolated in the suburbs with their families, and that is the way they liked it.   Or at least, like Terry, they said that’s the way they liked it.

Those women, the ones who stayed home to raise children and help promote their husband’s careers are now being blindsided by husbands who are going through the stereotypical midlife crisis.

Their husbands are trading in the older model for the latest one.   We feminists shot ourselves in the foot—or pocketbook—by convincing the courts we were independent women and didn’t need alimony.   Alimony for life, which I think should be standard in cases like Terry’s, is now a rarity, especially in my state, New York, which is where Terry also lives.

Eventually the argument that women should stay home with the kids became moot because most families needed two incomes to survive.  Women had to go to work to keep their families afloat.

However, we’re now experiencing a backlash where mommyhood is being extolled as a new route to sainthood, and  “helicopter” moms spend so much time hovering over their kids they barely have time for a job.   Terry is out there speaking to college classes convincing young girls that they must have a career and not depend on husbands, who may or may not stick around.

I totally agree, but this isn’t going to solve the problem of today’s older divorcee who doesn’t have a career and isn’t likely to find one in her fifties and sixties.  I believe lifetime alimony has to be restored as the default for women who spent their lives as homemakers.

Those women’s contributions to the marriage have to be calculated in dollars.   How much would it have cost their husbands to hire someone to cook, clean and raise the kids for 40 years?  That’s what their wives contributed to the marriage and that asset has to be taken into account,  just like the house and the IRA and other marital assets.

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