The Wild Mind
The Wild Mind
Is there a hell? Yes, there is and I’m living proof. I braided my own rope, tied the knot and threw it right over the precipice where I dangled amidst the scorching flames of Hades, the very destructive and damaging result of my own fear-based choices. I’m The Wild Mind and I’ve lived to tell about it.
I married at 23 years of age as a legitimized manner of running away from home. I married a man who lived one way publicly but who was incredibly intimidating and frightening to me when angry. I knew I was in for trouble when I didn’t even want to enjoy that marital (so to speak) right of passage. I figured I’d dug my grave, I needed to lie in it. I endured that unhappy marriage for 16 years.
This is not to say he was a bad man. It is only to say, I was a very fearful young woman and that fear resulted in me making a number of incredibly poor choices that ultimately spiraled out of control. Further, I bought into the lie that the fairy tale is always till death do us part. I was determined to stick it out. I was also afraid of what the world, and I lived in a fishbowl at the time so it was a legitimate concern in some ways, would think if I just up and left such a wonderful loving man and father.
The reality was, I knew him differently. After sixteen years, three children and the stress of working full time in a career position only to farm my children out to babysitters in the evening so we, as a couple, could go to church events and play the happy staff couple roll, I self destructed. I caved under the stress of living a complete lie and I ended up having an affair. Yes, ladies. I am the “other woman”. It’s not a reality I am proud of and, to this day, that experience has led me to encourage others to consider serious counseling before divorce and divorce before infidelity. It is a much more honest way to go…if that is indeed the way things must go.
The story doesn’t end there. My fourth child is the progeny of that affair and was born while I was still legally married (though separated with divorce proceedings underway) to my first husband. No sooner was the ink dry on the divorce decree and I was planning a second wedding. I thought it was the right thing to do for my newborn daughter.
It ended up being an absolute living hell nightmare. I never thought I’d wake up from that nightmare, thus my statement about dangling in the flames of hell by my own decisions. I literally had to leave or somebody (quite likely me) was going to end up dead or very seriously hurt. I made the decision after six years too many to file for my second divorce. It was a turning point in my life and in my fear-based approach to making life decisions.
Since then I’ve learned that the worst thing I have to fear is fear itself and that, as my mother told me often, I will be okay and there are better days ahead. I’ve been divorced now for just over two years. I’ve dated a lot and I have a real passion for women who are post-40 and suddenly, for whatever reason having to play by very different rules than they ever expected to play in life. I’m crawling my way up that knotted rope and am just about to grab hold of the precipice and pull myself to definitive safety. Well, as much as can be had in this life.
By day I am a public schoolteacher, by night I try to address the needs of four wonderful young people who in spite of the nightmare we endured emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually are doing okay…well…better than okay. I’m a career professional educator, I consult with families about behavioral issues and effective positive methods of parenting.
But I write because it is really my first love. I’ve only recently been introduced to the world of freelance writing and I find it challenging, exhilarating and absolutely mind-blowing crazy at the same time. I regret that the reason I didn’t pursue this when I was 24 was because, you guessed it, I was afraid I couldn’t write under a deadline.
Sometimes the irony of life just cracks me up!
My blog, Random Musings of the Wild Mind, is my attempt to force myself to overcome the fear of rejection, of criticism, and of being vulnerable and taking risks. It is my venue to encourage and empathize with others who find themselves suddenly single in Post 40 World.
It is my writing practice. It is my writing playground. It is my place where hopefully the world, or even a portion of it, (maybe you?) will hear that life is something to be enjoyed courageously, that mistakes are avenues to growth and are not life threatening and that respect and love are always something worth working toward. I write about things that hopefully entertain, encourage, inspire and challenge us all. My best and greatest goal is that something I write might resonate with you and we could both be encouraged because of it.
You may contact me at: TheWildMind@DivorcedWomenonline.com
